Why is it so important to learn to set limits?

Setting limits does not mean defending our opinion and beliefs tooth and nail at all costs, as if it were an imposition. Nor does it mean being sincere at all times, without taking into account the feelings and thoughts of others.

Specifically, setting limits means letting people know what we need and what we want, that may be different from the rest. It consists of expressing what we want and what we don’t, but without forgetting the needs and desires of others, taking into account what people think and feel. How to achieve it then? That’s what we’re going to see in this space, so don’t miss anything.

What are limits?

Setting limits is establishing lines with others (and with ourselves) that should not be crossed. It is choosing situations, actions and ideas that we do not tolerate in others or in ourselves, expressing them and making them count. As you can imagine, it is a much more complicated process to carry out than to recommend.

Edward T. Hall and Robert Sommer, pioneers in the study of personal space, assure that those limits where a person is contained and in which he inhabits something more than a physical territory, are a place where we feel mentally, physically and emotionally protected, a refuge where no one can attack us with their comments or behavior.

However, in their studies they revealed that in our daily lives it is common for those borders to be overcome, those barriers that we do not always protect with the attention and resources they need to avoid falling. That said, let’s look at what limits us and why it is so important to set limits.

Setting limits requires deep reflection on our needs.

What stops me when it comes to setting limits?

What limits me from setting limits and saying “no” at times? Probably, fear of rejection plays a determining role. For example, if they ask me for help, but I don’t feel like it or consider it appropriate to help a partner, the fear that the relationship could deteriorate is a factor that may push me to help them, even if it is not what I want.

Prioritize others

Sometimes we prioritize the needs of others over our own and feel guilty if we say “no.” upon a request from another person. Guilt brings us thoughts like: “If I don’t do it, I’m a bad friend,” “I’m selfish,” “I think I’m a bad person for not helping him.”

These thoughts usually have a more intense emotional connotation than usual, precisely because of this bias. However, It is not about being selfish and putting ourselves above others, but it is not about putting ourselves below either. It’s more of a question of balance.

Overinvolvement and assumption of other people’s responsibilities

In addition, we do not set limits when we tend to take responsibility for everything, for overinvolving ourselves in the problems of others. This is usually born from the idea that helping others is the same as taking care of their obligations or solving their problems.

Why is it so important to learn to set limits?

Having said all the above, you will have seen that setting limits protects us from a multitude of unpleasant situations. Let’s better explain the importance of this idea.

Know yourself

One of the benefits of setting limits has to do with self-knowledge. To set limits requires a good knowledge of oneself and one’s needs. It consists of being aware at every moment of what you want and what you need. Ask yourself: What do you want? What do you need? What makes you feel comfortable?

Strengthens self-esteem

Setting limits will probably result in a considerable increase in your self-esteem. Simply by talking about yourself and giving you the place you need. By feeling better about yourself you will lose the fear of showing yourself as you are.

You will finally release the continuous tension of having to be alert in case something or someone could harm your vulnerability. You will feel free to express your needs, regardless of how others take it, without feeling guilty for not doing what others expect them to do.

It is in your hands that limits are a tool to create healthy relationships.

Healthy and balanced relationships

Setting limits and respecting them is a way to relate to others in a healthy and balanced way. Thanks to this practice, the inequality in terms of what each person brings to the relationship.

You will be able to communicate to others how you want them to communicate with you, and this will bring you a lot of personal satisfaction. Thus, frustration and stress due to the absence of limits will no longer be present in your relationships.

By managing to respect your limits and those of others, your relationships will become healthy and stable relationships over time. Respect will be palpable in your relationships and neither will feel invaded by the other.

How to set limits effectively?

Now that we know the benefits of setting boundaries, we come to the key question: how do we begin to set them? Here are a series of tips to achieve this.

Train your assertiveness to set limits

The ability to say no is something that is trained. You will have to be clear about your priorities and needs and free yourself from the pressure of external opinion.. When setting limits, we prioritize ourselves and base our decision on solid arguments. Remember to always communicate it with emotional responsibility.

Don’t let others make decisions for you

You don’t need anyone to give you an order or validation for what you want to do.. Having others manage your life is comfortable in a certain way (when assigning responsibilities, for example), but it is about escaping the chains that this entails for your freedom. Make your own decisions.

Check your belief system

The education you have received, the culture you live in, the people around you, all of this has shaped you over the years to bring you to where you are.. It is known, for example, that the parental attachment style influences adult life, increasing the risk of emotional dependence when it is not secure.

Therefore, it is necessary that you verify all this and start making modifications. An example of this would be to review the idea that you should solve your friends’ problems, since behind this there could be an erroneous belief that this is the appropriate way to help others.

Seek professional help to learn to set limits

A good action is to allow ourselves to address this problem with a psychotherapist, since behind the absence of limits there could be other problems to solve, such as anxious attachment or emotional dependence. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, because no one should travel complicated paths without a helping hand.

go little by little

As we have mentioned, the mentality necessary to set limits and enforce them is not acquired overnight. Therefore, start with small things, not too challenging boundaries, and with people you trust. Little by little you will be able to cover more areas.

Finally, it must be emphasized that the task of setting limits is a long-distance race. It is difficult for everyone to stand up and say no, and there will always be people who want to transgress those limits. However, it is possible to do it, so do not give up your efforts to take control of your life.

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