My partner blames me for everything: what can I do?

«My partner blames me for everything. It does not matter what happens; In the end, everything that happens is my responsibility. This is one of the most common complaints that couples therapists hear in their office. They are expressions loaded with great discomfort and also incomprehension. It is not always easy to understand the cause of these behaviors, however the emotional cost is usually immense.

The famous psychologist, John Gottman explains to us in his book Why marriages succeed or fail (1995) that Negative criticism and the projection of guilt make up one of the four “horsemen of the apocalypse” in relationship breakups.. What usually lies behind this psychological reality is poor emotional communication and a clear evasion of responsibility.

Let’s delve a little deeper into these causes and the possible strategies to overcome this problem, in the following article.

Why does my partner blame me for everything?

Blame projection is a common phenomenon in interpersonal conflicts. The striking thing is that it appears more frequently when there is a bond of intimacy; as are the sexual-affective relationships themselves.

An article published by the magazine Psychosocial Intervention studied the differential effect of gender and emotional intelligence in men and women when facing relationship conflicts. The results indicate that women respond more loyally and effectively to disagreements or arguments, while men do so more negligently.

Often, Behind these problems is a lack of management, in terms of emotional control. At the end of the day, guilt acts as that “throwing weapon” that one throws when one does not know how to work on one’s own frustrations well. However, there are several factors that are worth analyzing to have a slightly more accurate view of this reality. We analyze them.

A form of inaction and evasion of responsibility

Blaming someone else for any problem implies an evasion of one’s own responsibility.. Instead of solving what bothers you, worries you or frustrates you, you choose to carry the entire accumulation of discomforts on other people’s shoulders. We are faced with a deficient and maladaptive technique that entrenches the problems of the relationship.

Let’s look at the ways it appears:

In the event of any misunderstanding, your partner says that the responsibility is yours for explaining it wrong. When a problem arises, the other person expects you to be the one to solve it. If you don’t, it’s all your fault. If your partner deals with days of increased stress, he or she blames you for escalating the situation. Any attempt at communication seems useless; He loses his patience very quickly.

These are models of attitude that act passively in the face of any incident or discomfort.. Instead of trying hard to solve something, they expect others to do it for them. It is a clear form of immaturity.

The projection of guilt, a form of punishment

When you ask yourself “why does my partner blame me for everything,” keep this in mind: There are people who use guilt as a defense mechanism.. Works such as those published in Personality and Individual Differences define this resource as that tendency through which one attributes one’s own feelings, intentions or motivations to others.

Sometimes what you usually see in clinical practice is people who are not able to manage their anxiety, their limitations or their own problems. Instead of addressing them, they project them onto others. As Carl Jung said: “Everything that irritates us about others leads us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Poor communication and emotional manipulation

Your partner may frequently say one of the following phrases to you: “It’s just that you never listen to me, it’s just that you always prioritize your needs, you never pay attention to how I feel.”. These types of verbalizations, when constant, hurt and exhaust. Because who uses blame projection instead of assertiveness, not only does he communicate poorly, he also manipulates.

You have to remember something decisive. As a work published in Frontiers in Psychology points out, good communication is the heart of every relationship. That nuclear element facilitates the power to reach agreements and nurture the bond. Thus, lacking good communication skills often generates hurtful and even manipulative dynamics, such as the following:

If your partner doesn’t know how to express what’s happening to him, he’s likely to blame you for not “guessing” it.Not knowing how to dialogue or speak with assertiveness and respect, they resort to short, unhelpful and even threatening phrases. Likewise, poor emotional management is sometimes combined with frustration, due to the inability to not know how to describe in words one’s own feelings. Who projects blaming others, often makes use of violent communication.

Narcissistic manipulation and the reason why my partner blames me for everything

You may have been wondering for a while “why does my partner blame me for everything?” An explanation for this behavior could be explained through a profile similar to that of a person with narcissistic characteristics. However, it is necessary to evaluate more traits and behaviors.

So, research work, such as those carried out at the University of Wollongong (Australia), shows the interpersonal impact of maintaining a sexual relationship with someone defined as having pathological narcissism. Let’s look at some features.

Narcissists are often vindictive. In the face of any small frustration, disagreement or anger, they will not hesitate to find any excuse to blame the other for every little thing.They use manipulation. This mechanism makes it easier for them to obtain from others what they need to reinforce their self-image and self-esteem.They need to be the center of attention. If there is a fuel that the narcissist craves, it is to take all the reinforcements and attention. This makes them very selfish couples.instrumental empathy. These personalities can detect and connect with your emotions, but be careful, they do it instrumentally, that is, to obtain some benefit from you.

How to act when my partner blames me for everything?

As the doctor, John Gottman, points out in his book Principia Amoris (2015), Authentic love, the kind that shapes happy and lasting relationships, is based on the culture of respect and not on the tyranny of the projection of blame. So, what to do if you are currently immersed in this personal situation? We give you some keys on which you can reflect.

Analyze the situation

Each person is a world and, therefore, each relationship is too. Therefore, It is appropriate to become aware of the situation and try to decipher what is happening: Is my partner going through a bad time? How have I behaved in the last few days/weeks? Is respect still intact even though we are not understanding each other? Why are you blaming me for everything?

Asking these questions will help you have a clearer picture of the problem. The next step is the most important.

Understand through dialogue why my partner blames me for everything?

Your loved one may not have good communication skills. However, when there is affection and willingness to address problems, it is necessary to promote mechanisms to facilitate good dialogue. These are some keys to addressing the situation with correct communication:

State the situation assertively and simply.Provide concrete examples: “Yesterday you blamed me for Let him express himself, argue his ideas and listen empathetically. Try not to interrupt and give him signals to let him see that you understand what he is communicating to you.Propose possible solutions: “instead of accusing me, tell me what’s happening to you or how you feel.”Agree on a change, strategies and their implementation.

Analyze the progress of the agreements made

“If my partner blames me for everything, it is not something I can tolerate indefinitely.” It is important to internalize this idea so as not to fall into situations of great psychological vulnerability. Thus, It is important that you perceive progress in the quality of your communication and, above all, that the projection of guilt is deactivated..

In its place, emotional responsibility, respect and assertiveness must appear. To do this, evaluate how your relationship progresses as a whole and especially through healing dialogues that should act as a psychological tendon in each dynamic.

What happens if he keeps blaming me for everything?

The persistent use of blame can sometimes be a form of interpersonal psychological abuse.. In these contexts, it is necessary to jointly assess the quality of your relationship, focusing on the following aspects:

Does it respect your needs, your opinions, values ​​and aspirations? Do you feel loved? Does he take care of you and worry about you? Can you have quality communication with your partner? Can you reach agreements? How do you feel in that relationship?

If after evaluating these issues you come to the conclusion that things are not going well, You can opt for couples therapy to save the relationship. Works such as those published in Family Process highlight its effectiveness in addressing a wide spectrum of relational dysfunctions.

On the other hand, if your partner does not want to take the step and does not change his or her behavior, you should consider a more drastic decision, such as separation. Your psychological well-being comes first.

Recommendation: the cost of living with “guilt mongers” is not worth it

Guilt mongers don’t just look like the couple. This harmful behavior also appears in family relationships and even friendships.. They are profiles with immature emotional intelligence and poor communication skills. Living with someone who does not take responsibility for their problems and chooses to blame others for what frustrates them is very destructive.

Do not hesitate to demand changes, and propose mechanisms to improve the relationship. However, keep in mind that this effort must also come from the conflictive person. If there is no will and this type of aggressive communication relapses, we must prioritize our emotional and mental balance. Let’s keep it in mind.

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