Why do the people I love leave?

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I was always told that I was not good at being a mother. All clumsy, inattentive and without any maternal aptitude. And, really, until a certain age, I had never thought of such a feat and that’s why, in that period between 15 and 22 years old, I don’t remember any protective instincts. Not even for my dogs. It’s sad, but it’s serious.

But suddenly, I felt transformed and that tendency to take care of the people I love started to exist in an exaggerated way inside me. To the point where I suffocated who I loved. It was kind of weird, but I didn’t know how to deal with such a transformation. And I can’t even remember how and when it all happened. But there I was, going from indifferent to too clingy.

Being eight or eighty has always been part of my life. Either I love too much, or I listen to pride and ignore the person, to the point that I live as if he never existed. But, I learned to deal with it and today I can say that I’m not like that anymore – at least not in these proportions, I hope. But if there’s one thing I still haven’t learned to deal with, it’s distance. Our, how this “distance” disorients me.

The people I love always end up leaving. It’s amazing how true this is. And before they decide to leave, they always talk to me first. So, I always end up with the mission to give my opinion on the matter. This opinion can, yes, make them change their minds. At this point I take a deep breath and think twice. Even because the answer is already automatic: “Are you crazy by any chance? Of course, I think this whole story is absurd, where have you seen it? It’s not going anywhere that’s far from me.” It’s just that I hold back and don’t go around doing crazy things.

How difficult it is to be the person who needs to encourage, when what I want most is to demotivate. And it’s not because I don’t believe it, but it’s because of the fear of “losing” that I feel so insecure. It’s about not having the warm hug, the sincere look, the inappropriate laughter, not knowing the routine and not being able to run close when I feel lost. And recently I went through another goodbye.

However, I was not selfish. I kept my fear in my pocket and encouraged it so strongly, to the point of making it lose its own fear. Because more than just having him close to me, I just want him to be okay. And I know that even far away he will continue to be this wonderful person, with a light heart and who always leads people to good paths. And I I am someone who is rooting for your happiness, whether near or far. Whether with me or away from me. Because every time you win, I smile too.

Even far away, knowing that I can maintain the bond and that I will still be with you, comforts my soul. Because it matters, you know? Your achievements are also important to me. My care is support. My praise is encouragement.

And when things go wrong for me, I just need to call you and hear your voice. I know I can count on you on the other side and thus relieve some of this tightness in my chest. We’ve always been like this: I do it for you, you do it for me and, in this way, we never forget. My only concern now is to see you always well. I always want your best smile and several dreams inside your heart. I couldn’t arrest you, I never could. You have wings. Born for big flights. And I to support you in everything you do. In whatever you choose. So go, take our memories in mind and the love I have for you in my heart. And if you want to come back, you know where to find me. I’ll be in the same place, with my arms outstretched to hug you.

Vanessa Pearl