Why do I hate myself?

There are people who can spend half their lives or an entire life wondering “why do I hate myself?” Few realities can be more adverse than perceiving oneself with contempt, walking through everyday life without liking oneself, without trusting in one’s own resources and without feeling comfortable with one’s own skin and being.

Lord Byron said that hatred is a form of madness. In a way it is, because nothing alters life more than that feeling capable of awakening the worst in the human being, whether projected towards others or towards oneself. For what is this? What makes a person stop valuing themselves and place themselves in that underworld where they live with low self-esteem, self-rejection and apathy?

The causes are multiple and so are the effects. Because beyond all this, there is the way in which these people face each situation, each relationship and circumstance. We cannot ignore that, On average, someone who hates themselves projects that same feeling onto others.

Why do I hate myself? Causes, consequences and coping strategies

There are people who, indeed, have a history of abuse or emotional deficiencies in childhood that can explain this lack of respect and appreciation for oneself. Now, there are more extreme cases, those in which there is not only low self-esteem or absence of self-love: what there is is hatred towards one’s own person.

The feedback that is generated when someone orbits around that self-deprecating internal dialogue is very harmful. One can say that one is worthless, that one is not good for certain jobs or, even more so, that starting an emotional relationship is going to be completely impossible… Because whoever hates oneself, invalidates oneself for almost any existential dimension.

So what is the source of that self-hatred? In reality, there are several origins.

This is how they treat you, this is how you look

We talked above about the effect of a traumatic childhood. When someone asks themselves: “why do I hate myself?”, they must delve deeper into a specific fact. We are referring above all to the way in which he has been treated throughout his life.

If we have been devalued since we were children, it is very difficult to build the foundations of solid self-esteem. Feeling invisible, being made to believe that we are fallible or that we are no good for what we dream of, sooner or later triggers a thought process of self-hatred that continues even if the circumstances that activated it have disappeared.

Sometimes, even having experienced a bad emotional relationship, suffering from bullying at school or at work makes us end up hating ourselves.

The story you tell yourself

We often say that “people are stories.” Well, more than stories we are self-narratives, that is, We are what we tell ourselves and the way we interpret what happens to us.. What does this have to do with the question of “why do I hate myself”? The truth is that a lot.

One of the theories of psychotherapist Albert Ellis was based on the so-called ABC model. That is, A, we are the things that happen to us (events) that cause B (interpretations) and these cause C (consequences/behaviors).

Sometimes, Some of us apply clearly negative and disabling interpretations. They are those of the type “This happens to me because I am worthless, because I am clumsy, because I am a zero to the left…”. This way of judging and “interpreting” ourselves is almost always orchestrated by low self-esteem, which leads, sooner or later, to a clear contempt for one’s own person.

Why do I hate myself? Your cruel inner critic

We can blame our current unhappiness on our parents, on that partner who hurt us, and even on that job to which we dedicated so many years and that ended up consuming our dignity and hope. In essence, One can look outside to find the culprits behind the discomfort and frustration.. However, when someone inquires into why I hate myself, they must take a journey towards their own being.

There, you will surely meet an inner critic upon whom all forms of self-hatred, pain and suffering fall. It is he who whispers things like “You can’t, you don’t deserve, you’re no good, you won’t do well, you’re worthless…” This figure, that of debilitating internal dialogue, has been studied in the field of psychology for decades.

Already in the 70s, a work carried out at the University of Chicago by Dr. Louis Paul stands out, titled The cruel inner critic in which it talks about how that internal mental voice monitors us so that we fail, always speaking to us in a hostile way. Therefore, beyond seeking those responsible for our discomfort, we must be clear: often, it is ourselves who feed our own hatred and self-hatred.

How can I stop hating myself?

Stop hating ourselves to live better, to fulfill ourselves as people and be able to enjoy solid relationships, a future in accordance with our own desires. Who couldn’t wish for something like that? Practically everyone. However, it is not easy to generate this change, especially when it has been integrated into the same mental, emotional and behavioral pattern for a long time.

However, it can be achieved. A research work by Dr. Nele Stikens from the University of Leuven (Belgium) talks about a type of therapy aimed at turning off the negative internal critic. The process involves first being able to perceive and detect critical, hostile and negative thoughts. Later, we must develop a more compassionate and realistic attitude toward ourselves.

Later, We will have to shape new behaviors, vital changes that allow us to feel proud of who we are.free to begin a life with greater meaning without hate restricting us, without contempt stopping us… That is the authentic path to well-being.