Why do we fall in love with the wrong people?

Why do we fall in love with the wrong people? There are many who ask themselves this question constantly after each failure and emotional disappointment. Thus, and although it is true that in this matter of love we often grope and mistakes and failures are frequent, there are those who have the clear feeling that they always end up opening the doors of the heart to the least suitable person.

“It’s just that I always attract narcissists”; “they always betray me”; “At the moment, my relationships have not lasted more than a few months. “I’m already tired of so many disappointments.” Behind all these verbalizations and complaints, an obvious reality is often hidden: there are many people who blame others for their emotional failures without looking at themselves.

Perhaps the root of the problem lies in the person themselves and in the love that we come to tolerate. Many times, when a relationship begins, the most important thing is forgotten: who we are, what we want… In essence, one’s own identity.

Reasons why we fall in love with the wrong people

For many people there is a repeating pattern, almost like the figure of an ouroboros bringing a singular curse. The one in which You fall in love with someone, you get hurt, the relationship breaks up and, some time later, the experience repeats itself with another person.. Different faces and same stories, other names and same outcomes.

It is true that you cannot control who to love and who not to love. It simply arrives, sometimes in a blinding way, weaving that universe of attractions, passions and affections that no one can foresee, much less stop. The anthropologist Helen Fisher points out that the human being is born to love and be lovedand although sometimes we don’t get it right, this will be a drive that moves us for a good part of our lives.

However, why do we fall in love with the wrong people? The answer to this question is multiple, we analyze them.

1. When love dilutes identity: you are everything and I don’t know who I am

There are many men and women who give everything in love and in their relationship, reaching unhealthy extremes. They pour themselves into the loved one with every fiber of their being, they make renunciations and prioritize the other in every circumstance until they are completely diluted.

From the University of Bern (Switzerland), a study states that This reality frequently appears in people with low self-esteem. It is necessary to keep in mind that the quality of a relationship will depend on the good self-concept and self-love that each member has of themselves. High self-esteem is synonymous with well-being and satisfaction in every area of ​​our life.

2. The fear of loneliness: when we fall in love with the first person who validates us

Why do we fall in love with the wrong people? Sometimes the answer is simple: fear of being alone. In this context, what happens is little more than emotional suicide: You can tolerate the intolerable just by having someone by your side.

In addition, another fact occurs: those who fear loneliness are more receptive to falling in love. It is enough for him to have anyone who notices him and validates him, even if the same values ​​are not shared.

3. We look for in others what we lack

Security, resolution, openness, extroversion, self-confidence… In relationships, it is very common to look for in the other what one lacks.

Now, this, which at first might seem logical and understandable, rarely turns out well. And it doesn’t do it because the problem is in us, since Those who come to an emotional bond with excessive deficiencies will perceive that their gaps become larger. every day in that life together.

4. When you forget the love you deserve

Indeed, this is a very recurring reason that we often neglect. Sometimes, we start emotional ties forgetting that we deserve much more than we believe..

Love is not about tolerating, accepting slights, assuming disqualifications and that lack of reciprocity in which I give everything and you give me nothing.

5. The inability to learn from the past

Another dynamic that we frequently see in people who complain about their emotional failures is the tendency to repeat patterns from the past. Far from learning from those unhappy and even traumatic relationships, there is a tendency to look back at the same personality profile (narcissists, manipulators, etc.).

Why happens? What explains this way of perpetuating suffering and walking with eyes closed towards the same emotional abyss? In a way, many of the dynamics described above are integrated: lack of self-esteem, fear of loneliness, seeking in others what one lacks… It is a conglomerate of psychological stings that orchestrate those captive bonds from which one cannot escape. in a while.

We all accumulate unhappy relationships behind us, the kind that we would love to forget. However, as we mature and advance in our life cycle, we become clear about what we want and what we expect from love. Likewise, there is an unwritten law that we should all remember: It is impossible to love anyone if we do not first love ourselves well.

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