Why did I want to be a mother? – GOOD SHAPE

I’ve been a bit absent here in this column, but I swear my disappearance was for a good reason: I’m 8 months pregnant. And this pregnancy caused a beautiful mess in my life and in my routine.

Wow… I would have so many things to share about this profound and transforming experience that is gestation. But what I feel writing here today is about how I found out I wanted to be a mother.

It may seem simple for some people to decide whether or not to be a mother. But for me it wasn’t and I know that for many women it isn’t either.

For many decades, being a mother was practically a social obligation for us women. And as much as there was a true desire to mother, a large part of this desire was the result of a cultural construction – after all, we grew up receiving dolls as gifts, right? It was called compulsory maternity.

Fortunately, that sense of obligation has changed a lot in recent years. Women today are reflecting more and choosing whether or not they want to be mothers. But I feel like we’ve gone from a time when motherhood was almost mandatory to the other extreme, a world where we are totally focused on our professional and practical goals and where motherhood just doesn’t fit. In a capitalist system focused on productivity, profit and “success”, getting pregnant and taking care of children makes no sense, it just gets in the way. And all this makes this choice quite complex.

We left a place where motherhood was highly romanticized for a shock of reality in which women who are mothers and work in the labor market have little or no support network and are therefore almost always exhausted, frustrated and guilty of not being able to being neither the mother nor the professional they would like.

And in this mess of challenges and deconstruction of stereotypes, how can we connect with our true desires? And when we connect, how can we afford them without it causing pain? Do you realize how this decision is not simple?

For many years, I was convinced that I would exercise my motherhood only taking care of my professional projects. I didn’t feel I had any vocation to be a mother. And seeing up close the exhausting and lonely routine of several mother friends only kept me away from the possibility of wanting to get pregnant.

Everything changed, however, when in a self-knowledge retreat, we were meditating on our deepest dreams and I had a very clear – and surprising – vision that I did want to get pregnant! I got in touch with a desire of those so deep and hidden that you are afraid to even admit that you have it, you know?

Anyway, I kept this information with me for a few years, the idea matured, I had initial conversations with my partner, until during the pandemic, with isolation and a deepening in myself, this desire became practically an urgency! I feel that my age also contributed to this acceleration. After I turned 37, it seems that a little clock inside me went off an alarm that said “hey, honey, is it going to happen or not?”.

That’s when I understood that it was time to put that desire into practice. I had a conversation with my partner – who took a while to understand my urgency. But it was in a conversation with him that I understood the main reason for wanting to be a mother.

He asked me “but why do you want to have a child so much?”. And when I stopped to reflect, the answer came in an intuitive and very clear way: “because I want to know this dimension of love that is being a mother”. I was sure I wanted to, but I hadn’t understood why until then.

And in these eight months of pregnancy, I have realized how much motherhood is really a personal project. It has no logic. I feel like it’s a choice, but it’s not rational. It is a soul’s desire. It stirs deep feelings within us. It has to do with delivery, courage, faith. It’s a deep dive into uncharted waters. And it’s been very transformative.

I end this text by telling you that I am going to “disappear” here again. After all, my baby could arrive at any moment and I should be pretty busy with him for the next few months. But I promise to return as soon as possible telling you a little more about the learnings that this journey has brought me. See you soon!

I’m Debora Pivotto, journalist, writer and therapist. I worked for 13 years in large newsrooms in the country until I discovered that the subjects that most interested me were inside – and not outside – people. Passionate about self-knowledge and communication, I do a kind of “report of the soul” with Aura Reading therapy, I help people to recognize and manifest their gifts and talents by facilitating a process of self-knowledge called Journey of Purpose, and I am specializing in Jungian Analytical Psychology. I love sharing my learnings in texts, videos and workshops. To learn more, follow me on Instagram @deborapivotto.