Why are you still stuck with your ex?

It’s not easy to feel stuck with your ex after a breakup. You try to feel comfortable when looking for someone new to be with, but the new someone is not the same person as the past.

And now, is this memory the reality of what you lived together?

It’s worth asking yourself if you’re stuck at a time when you still feel your ex is a perfect being, full of wonderful qualities that complete your existence, and that you weren’t able to see while you were together.

Thus, he feels guilty and becomes more and more angry with himself every day and the internal discomfort grows, in a circle that seems to have no way out.

The idolatry of the ex

In many cases where the person is still stuck in the past relationship, what you love about the ex is an image, not the reality of what he/she really is.

The person, when suffering for love and, mainly, for passion, begins to see someone who is not the true ex-partner, full of qualities and almost no flaws.

However, that person never existed. We are all beings full of qualities and defects.

But, for those who suffer from love, it is difficult to see the negative points in the ex’s personality and the reasons that led to the end of the relationship.

The person who does not see these factors is trapped in this false image of idolatry.

Sigmund Freud, in Psychoanalytic Notes on an Autobiographical Account of a Case of Paranoia (1969), states that there is a difference in relation to obsessive love that is involved in the internal perception of loving and falling in love and an exaggerated fixation.

Both obsessive love and exaggerated fixation only cause harm to those who love and to those who are loved. But, many times, those who love don’t want to hear anything that takes them away from their ex.

As such, it feeds the cycle of feeling increasingly angry at yourself – or at the actions and decisions that led to the breakup – and even more guilt over the relationship ending.

Not accepting the end of the relationship can lead the person to want to understand what he calls the “real reason” that led to the end of the relationship or marriage. For those who are going through this difficult phase, nothing seems to make much sense and, worse, they may think that their ex still loves them.

The need to speak the unspoken

Who has never experienced this feeling in which heartache and resentment lead us to throw harsh words to the wind in conversation with an ex? Many people have gone through this, while others feel their pain in silence.

The most explosive feel that it is necessary to speak, complain that they need the ex’s help, attention, arguing that they were much more than love, that they were companions in good and bad times. They feel completely abandoned and that it is not fair to be despised at the end of that love.

All these feelings are understandable. But how are we going to force a person to love us?

How to make someone be our companion in a forced way or to be by our side unintentionally?

We need to ask ourselves: Is this what you really deserve for your life? Someone who decides to stay by your side out of obligation or even pity?

How to get out of this cycle of idolatry

Maybe it’s time to let go of all the bad feelings that tie you to a relationship that fell apart and was good while it lasted. That worked during the period when the exchange between the two people involved was good.

It is also possible to see it as a great evil on your part to make yourself stick to this period that has already passed.

An immediate action to get out of this cycle is to put your feet in the present and see that there are still many good opportunities to be experienced.

Certainly, new loves and new opportunities to live intensely joyful situations will come.

Tormenting an ex is prohibited, it will not result in any positive situation. It’s important to know what good attitudes are for you and for the other party in the relationship as well.

Living is a risk and there is no point in holding on to what no longer bears fruit. Seek what can strengthen you towards self-knowledge, finding a healthy way to love.

Don’t put yourself any lower than you already are. Get back on your feet as soon as possible so you can enjoy life.

Feeding on anger, hatred, guilt and other bad feelings won’t do anything – nor will it lead you and your past partner to the path of happiness together.