When we stop talking to a family member

When we stop talking to a family member it is because there are reasons behind it that, in most cases, justify it.. It is not something simple nor a decision that is made impulsively or overnight. Family estrangement often responds to certain frictions, chronic disagreements, unhealed wounds and the refusal of one of the parties to make a change or an improvement.

Experts in family dynamics comment that These distancing respond to one of the most painful realities that human beings can experience.. Now, suffering does not always come from one’s own decision to set a limit. What’s more, sometimes, that step generates relief. The authentic discomfort is concentrated in all the past experience, the same one that motivates that decision.

On the other hand, there is an often indisputable fact that occurs too frequently. Our society projects a very severe judgment towards those who, at any given moment, choose to distance themselves from the family.. Almost instantly, the label “the bad son”, “the bad grandson”, “the bad sister” appears… There is not always room for doubt or for that empathy from which to ask ourselves what can justify that behavior.

Likewise, it is important to note that There are many people who, even having taken that step, continue to experience suffering.. Hence, they need psychological support in order to deal with, manage and untangle the skein of a past that continues to hurt. The same one whose mark remains unerased and gains weight with the passing of the days.

When we stop talking to a family member, the most difficult decision

We stop talking to a family member when we feel like we have reached the limit. When discrepancies create walls, when negative emotions structure almost every situation, circumstance and word. However, and although this decision will mark a before and after, the distancing has already occurred years before.

We insist once again that it is not an easy decision and one that no one usually takes lightly. So much so that, Today, there are organizations aimed at offering support to those people who have distanced themselves from their family..

For example, in 2015 a study carried out by the London Center for Family Research and the University of Cambridge was published. The objective was to analyze this reality that, although it attracts our attention, occurs very frequently in our society.

The work was titled Hidden Voices: Family Estrangement in Adulthood. In it, we are revealed such interesting data as that The fact of distancing ourselves from a family member (or several) often generates anger from other family members. Recriminations and even humiliation appear. It does not matter that, sometimes, there is a clear justification (such as mistreatment). No All people respect these decisions and are not sensitive to each person’s reality.

Walking away from family: a very complex emotional pain

Family distancing occurs according to the data in a generational range as wide as that contained between 18 and 60 years of age. There are those who wait until they are of age to take the step. Others, however, take longer to make a decision for which we are not always prepared.

Sometimes, it is because of fear, other times because of indecision and most of the time because of that social pressure that teaches us from early on that distancing ourselves from our loved ones is inappropriate. And yet, the data continues to increase. Experts in family psychology, such as Dr. Joshua Coleman, point out that this fact It is common, a “silenced reality” that undoubtedly requires greater studies, support and sensitivity.

When we stop talking to a family member we experience many types of pain that are not always talked about:

All the suffering experienced in the past remains, that which we do not know how to deal with. Likewise, another reality that many people suffer is shame. Shame for not having a “good family”, people who offer support, real affection… They also feel shame for not knowing if the given decision is the right one, for suffering criticism from part of their closest environment.

On the other hand, Factors such as the weight of stigma and even social isolation also influence and must be considered.

Is it appropriate to stop talking to a family member?

As we have pointed out, stopping talking to a family member is not a decision that is usually taken lightly.. It is not a whim, the reaction of a teenager or the result of a specific disagreement. In most cases, there is a slowly generated reality that can have many origins: abuse, authoritarianism, contempt, lack of continued support, invisibility, lack of affection…

It is clear that each person lives their reality in a different way. There will be those who believe that none of the aforementioned realities have ever occurred, others that they have occurred daily. However, and be that as it may, what there is is an unresolved conflict. The ideal in these cases is to address it, confront it, give yourself the opportunity to generate changes in which each member is recognized..

If this does not happen, if there is no will and the suffering is high, distance is an appropriate response. However, what is recommended first is the following:

Decide on a contact frequency. We can try meetings once every two weeks or once a month. We will also think about the duration of these visits (two hours, one…).Choose what type of contact is most comfortable for us. Home visits, meetings outside the home, calls, messages…We will evaluate each situation and circumstance. Little by little we can decide if it is better to stop at once a month, in two visits a year or simply reduce contact and communication completely.

To conclude, when we stop talking to a family member, sometimes the problem does not end here. In some cases there are many loose ends, many imprints that generate discomfort and that must be resolved. In this situations, Psychological therapy will always be useful to us. Let’s think about it.

You might be interested…