When the family affects the relationship

When the family affects the relationship, the foundations shake and the scene gets complicated. It is then that we learn to deal with situations for which, perhaps, we were not prepared. In this way, let’s start by reflecting: at the moment we choose who to share our life with, in some way we also choose their family.

The issue is not new, we know it. However, in the midst of these types of situations orchestrated by interfamily dynamics, conflicts, clashes and discrepancies continue to be (on average) quite recurrent. What’s more, as several studies reveal, such as the one published in the journal Psychology Today, three out of four couples experience significant problems with their in-lawsand 60% of women usually experience disagreements with their partners’ mothers.

In some way, this reminds us of that wonderful Stanley Kramer film “Guess who is coming for dinner tonight”. In it, the parents of the young woman – who had just become engaged to a black man – carry out a reasoning that would summarize the essence of these conflictive situations. One believes that one has educated one’s children to perfection; It instills in them some values ​​and guidelines, but in the end they choose emotional partners who do not always conform to family expectations..

Often, parents do not define their children as free people capable of choosing their own paths, goals, or people to love. They see them rather as personal projects on which to project a series of ideals. Thus, when they begin a relationship, the shadow of disappointment usually appears, the uncomfortable sound that there is something wrong and above all, that long shadow threatening the family project…

Between a rock and a hard place: the rejection of the couple by the family

There are many types of families. What’s more, as Oscar Wilde said, nothing is as hermetic and mysterious as that home where one covers the curtains and no one can sense what is orchestrated there, what is experienced there. There will be parents, of course, characterized by that principle of emotional health where they understand that there are limits, where they know how to facilitate and respect as much as possible the relationship between their children and their partners.

Now, sometimes the opposite happens. Family affection becomes toxic, controlling and even authoritarian. Even more, Sometimes, we start a relationship without knowing that in the lot we receive the backpack of a family where the most poisoned rivalries live., the most adverse dynamics. Because, although we always talk about the classic and antagonistic relationship with in-laws, inherited problems are ignored, those in the form of rivalry between siblings, those where conflictive cousins, uncles and sons-in-law, criticizers, in-laws who get involved in everything…

Thus, we can speak of a family as a microcosm loaded with multiple meanings and dynamics. We may clash with older relatives trying to maintain their position of authority or with mothers accustomed to passive-aggressive behavior. We may have friction with ideas about how to raise a child, with religious or political ideas, or constantly deal with the conviction that we are not good enough for that family. And when any of this arises and affects us, everything begins to destabilize. When the family affects the relationship and the limits of our intimacy are crossed, we have to face the challenge of redirecting the situation without causing harm.

When the family affects the relationship: what can I do?

There are those who choose extreme decisions, to put the couple between a rock and a hard place and force them to choose.. There are those who create sides and with this, create real storms. Others choose silence and letting things be done, letting themselves be carried away until they become the center of all the grievances, the puppet that endures everything for the love of their partner. Thus, sooner or later all these situations end up affecting the relationship itself until reaching situations that are as sad as they are disappointing.

Although we would love in many cases to be able to erase or deactivate the presence of those conflictive families that sometimes accompany our couples like an appendage, it must be said that there are better options. Let’s look at some strategies to reflect on:

We will maintain constant communication with our partner. It is necessary to express to them how certain words, acts or circumstances affect us. We will avoid criticism, it is only about highlighting realities without falling into contempt or offense. The situation of each family is particular. Starting from this idea, It is necessary to differentiate between what is acceptable and what is not, between what is understandable and what is abuse.We will come to an agreement with our partner about where our limits are. About what we will accept and what we will not be willing to allow. The consensus between both must be very high, but The most important thing is to establish those limits early with the family so that they are clear between all parties.Likewise, it is necessary to always show what hurts us or what bothers us to that mother-in-law who criticizes us, to that brother who does not accept us or to that father who wants to know and control everything. We will practice assertiveness so that they understand the impact of their behaviorsso that they see our limits and understand that there are alternatives to improve the relationship.

To conclude, although sometimes the family influences the couple’s relationship, it does not always do so for the worse; in fact, many political families serve as a place for reflection in moments of crisis. On the contrary, If the influence is negative, it is important to reach an agreement with the partner on how to actsince in this way we will get you to give us your support. If we do it this way, it is most likely that the couple will emerge stronger from the challenge and that the conflict will be resolved.

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