When evil comes from home: what to do when a family member is toxic

“Whenever something cool happened and anyone would be happy, she wasn’t.” that’s what you said Fernanda* 20-year-old who declined to be identified, a journalism student about his troubled relationship with his mother.

It is within the family environment where we learn to relate and develop our personality. Most people understand that this coexistence is not always easy. There are disagreements that are normal, however, there are situations that go beyond what may be natural.

“Being an older person, she was always very tough, more closed. Our relationship has always been difficult and troubled. She had some prejudiced lines, but I always tried to understand why she lived in a different time, but we ended up arguing”, reported the young woman.

the psychologist Livia Marques explained that it is necessary to understand the nature of this family toxicity. “We need to contextualize the speech and life of each person. We say, for example, that the black mother is not affectionate because she has always needed to be strong. She didn’t learn about affection and lack of affection in the relationship, but she doesn’t prune her children’s dreams and doesn’t stop encouraging them, “she explained. “In the case of toxic cases, you realize that this mother is discouraging her child and she takes pleasure in putting him down. There is some gain on her part, and we need to realize what kind of gain she has when she attacks in order to affect”.

Fernanda said that her mother’s lack of motivation is even with small things. “Every dream I had, she didn’t care and tried to put me down to make me feel bad.” Lívia explains that when there is this type of satisfaction, “we are talking about a narcissistic profile, which looks only at itself”.

The way she faces the world also changes from this intimacy (or lack thereof), and all the experiences lived within that relationship reflect on the social circle of the children. Fernanda’s case is not the only one and there are several different weights of a toxic family relationship.

“These traumas are passed on from generation to generation. We end up learning this belief of worthlessness and lack of love, parents are mirrors and we learn about it, we reproduce it in our lives”, said the psychologist, who, according to her, there are some ways to break the so-called “hereditary traumas”, and one of them is psychotherapy .

“Psychotherapy helps to work on social and emotional skills and, in addition, it creates ways to reframe these encounters with this mother. It is necessary to reflect on the attacks that the mother makes and think of forms of defense, not in direct confrontation”, explained Lívia.

Fernanda reflected on the situation and realized that living with her father was different. “She compared me to other people and pitted me against my brothers, creating situations. Sometimes I was sad for small reasons, I started to realize that with my father it was completely different, he always supported me, I never felt that with my mother”, said the young woman.

There is no dialogue, only attack

This is the main characteristic of a toxic family relationship. The little dialogue or even the lack of it shows that the desire to resolve conflicts does not exist. “I started to be quieter, I was always one to talk, play with everyone at home. But these situations made me more and more sad.” The attacks were more and more frequent, and were already leaving traumas that, apparently, were irreparable.

“When she was separating from my father, she did everything to harm him too. He was jailed for 15 days for child support, but that was only because of the things she forced my sister and me to talk about. I was only 10 at the time, time passed and I was able to get closer to my father and I found out that he went into depression after that episode. That was very hard to face, it hurt me a lot.”

“The narcissistic person lacks empathy and things only work out if they go their way. They love to have the other’s attention, but sometimes in a manipulative way and use emotional blackmail to get what they want”, explained the psychologist.

“While we were talking about my birthday, she started talking bad about my dad. She said that he asked to have an abortion when she was pregnant with me, and that she should have listened to what he said ”, the situation that Fernanda experienced generated a belief of inadequacy, according to psychologist Lívia. “She begins to feel unappreciated and questions whether she is in fact worthy of affection, both within her family and outside that circle. This belief brings not only low physical self-esteem, but also personal self-esteem as an individual.”

Living with her mother became more and more complicated, so professional help was one of the paths Fernanda took and with that help, she began to understand what was actually happening. “When I started therapy, my psychologist opened my eyes and made me realize that this was not a normal or healthy mother-daughter relationship. She never advised me to take any action, but she always made me understand what was best.”

You have to cut the umbilical cord

“I commented once that I wanted to go live with my father, and she said that if I went, she would die and so would I, of remorse”, reported Fernanda, who has thought countless times about moving away from her mother, but is unable to do so. .

Family problems cannot and should not be yours, Lívia explains that, however difficult it may be, the main step is to break the vicious cycle of psychological aggression. “When she begins to perceive the toxicity of this familiar, she needs to reframe her own existence”, says the psychologist, that is “We need to identify what makes us suffer in order to start changing our behavior, giving a new response to this situation.🇧🇷

“It is necessary to cut this umbilical cord and empower yourself with professional help so that this break is not so abrupt and brings autonomy in life”.

“If there is the option of moving to another place, it is necessary to think about the benefits that this will bring. She cannot go to a toxic home, if she is going to live with someone else she needs to have affection, acceptance and respect ”, she added.

If there is no possibility of removal, Lívia declared that it is necessary to impose limits, and make him understand how far this toxicity is going. “Know how to impose limits, be assertive, learn to tell the person how you feel, what you are capable of accepting and what you will not admit”. Even though it’s difficult for those who are living the relationship, it’s possible. When realizing that you are again in a moment of conflict, the advice is not to embark on the discussion immediately. Breathe, walk away and return calmly to position yourself. The popular saying works: when one doesn’t want to, two don’t fight. If the fight is bad for you, don’t allow yourself to feel bad.

The support network is absolutely important when the time comes to disconnect emotionally or physically from that family member and break the umbilical cord that unites them. “Real friends, who are always close by, will be fundamental before any attitude. Being with family members who like you too, this support network is important so that the person does not feel alone. Then she can step out of that atmosphere, take a breath and decide what she can finally do.”

*The name has been changed to protect the girl’s identity.

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