When education hurts: toxic mothers

We are talking about toxic mothers, however, it is also worth clarifying that there are toxic fathers and toxic grandparents. Toxic mothers are pillars in the education of children who, far from promoting personal maturity and security,, anchor heavy chains completely vetoing the physical and emotional independence of that person.

Now, it should be said that the role of the mother almost always has a more intense weight in the education of children. It is she who establishes that close bond of care and affection with that newborn, who, day by day, will detach herself from her arms to move safely through the world knowing she is loved, always having that reference that has given her unconditional but healthy love. , with which to mature intelligently.

1. What is behind the personality of toxic mothers?

It may catch our attention, but Behind the behavior of a toxic mother, there is love. Now, we all know that when it comes to talking about love, there are two sides of the same coin: there is that dimension capable of promoting the personal growth of the person, whether at the level of a couple or at the family level, and at the same time, there is also that more toxic side where a selfish and interested love is exercised, sometimes even suffocating, which can be completely destructive.

The worrying thing is that Family members who deploy the tricks of toxicity do so towards creatures who are in the process of personal maturation., there where their personality, their self-esteem must settle… All of this will sculpt in them great voids, great insecurities that are sometimes insurmountable. Let’s now see what psychological dimensions profile toxic mothers:

1. Insecure personality

Sometimes, A toxic mother usually hides a clear lack of self-esteem and self-sufficiency. that forces them to see in their children “that lifeline” to model and control to always have by their side, so that they cover their shortcomings.

Seeing, for example, that their children are beginning to be autonomous, that they no longer need them as much and that little by little they are able to lead their lives, represents great anxiety for them, since above all they fear being left alone. Hence, they are capable of deploying “skillful tricks” to continue keeping them close and even justifying to them that it should be this way, and one way to do this is by projecting onto children from the beginning their same lack of self-esteem, and their same insecurity.

2. Control obsession

The need that toxic mothers have to control every aspect of their lives means that they end up doing the same in the lives of their children. They are not able to see the limits. For them, control is synonymous with security, with something immanent that does not change, and what does not change is good because it makes them feel good.

The complicated thing about this dimension is that Toxic mothers usually exercise control thinking that by doing so, they are doing good and thus showing love for others. “I make your life easy by controlling your things so that you are happy”, “I only want the best for you, and that is why I prevent you from making mistakes”…

Control carried out from the justification of affection is the worst act of overprotection. With this we prevent children from being autonomous, capable and brave. And even more, that they learn from their mistakes.

3. The projection of unfulfilled desires

“I want you to get what I didn’t have”, “I don’t want you to make the same mistakes as me”, “I want you to become what I can’t get”.

Sometimes Toxic mothers project unfulfilled desires from their own past onto their children, without even asking what they want. without giving them the option to choose, thinking that by doing so, they show them unconditional love, when in reality, it is a false love. An interested love.

How do we confront a mother or any “toxic” family member?

Be aware that you must break the cycle of toxicity. You have lived for a long time inside it, you know the wounds it has left you, however, now you understand that you need to open your wings to be yourself. To be happy. It will cost you, but you must start saying “No”, to voice your needs and put up your own walls, those that no one should pass through.

It’s your mother, or it’s your family, you love them and you know that breaking that cycle of toxicity can cause some damage. Sometimes, telling the truth about what you feel hurts others, but it is a vital necessity. It’s just about setting boundaries and making it clear what you allow and what you don’t. You do not want to cause any harm, you must make it clear, just as it must be stated that you do not want to be hurt anymore either.

Recognize manipulation. There are times when it is so subtle that we don’t realize it, so pay attention to any word, any behavior. And above all, do not fall into the networks of “victimization”, since it is an easy resource that toxic people and toxic mothers usually resort to. Standing up as the most hurt, the most wounded, when in reality, the one they have hurt is you. Always keep it in mind.

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Image Courtesy: Anna Radchenko