When and how should the first conversation about sex with children be?

From a certain point in early childhood, usually between the ages of 3 and 4, children begin to be curious about their bodies and to touch their genitals. It is not about masturbation, but about exploring sensations and recognizing their anatomy – so much so that at this stage they also tend to “poke” their ears and nose much more aggressively, for example.

After a while, comparisons begin between one’s own body and that of a friend or friend, and the first doubts are voiced: “Why does he have a pee and I don’t?”, “Am I going to have breasts like Mom’s or just do the girls have? and other questions in this purely anatomical sense. It is the moment that the mother and/or father must take advantage of to open a communication channel about sexuality with the children.

“The role of parents is to help their sons or daughters to organize their ideas about the body and create a relationship of trust in which everyone feels at ease”, says Mariana Pucci, psychologist at Clínica Infanti and psychoanalyst in a clinical living space for babies, children and their caregivers at the NGO Casa da Árvore.

It’s not about adults having a text ready and starting to teach, but about being prepared for any line of reasoning; it is essential, she advises, to listen to what the children have to ask and only then talk about it. “It’s more than informing about sex, it’s telling them what they want to know.”

Psychologist Priscila Segal, a member of the Nucleus for Research in Psychoanalysis with Children at the Instituto de Clínica Psicanalítica, agrees and continues: “Each child will build their theories and one should not anticipate answers, but rather wait for the questions, answer them and take the opportunity to explain that the body is hers alone and that no one has the right to touch her without authorization. It’s also not cool to put new and technical words like ‘vagina’, ‘penis’, ‘masturbation’; it is better to stick to the terms she brings.”

What if the child never asks about sex or sexuality?

As stated above, there is no exact age for questions to start, but it is expected that by the age of 8 or 9, the issue of sexuality has been raised by the child. If that doesn’t happen, it’s worth talking to an adult.

The proximity of the girl’s menstruation or an involuntary erection of the boy in the bath are good hooks to start with, in Mariana’s opinion. Using a book as support is also a good idea. “They mainly help parents who have a little more difficulty talking about sex”, observes the psychologist.

Priscila once again points out that the conversation should be carried out at the pace the child understands, without information being overrun. If he ignores something considered “important” by the adult, it is because he is not ready to address that aspect specifically. And that’s okay. In the next moment she may be, just wait.

If it’s still difficult to access your son or daughter, it’s worth seeking professional help from a psychologist specializing in children’s public. “She will mediate and elaborate the messages between the child and the parents in words, making communication flow”, concludes Priscila.