Linking yourself to someone who doesn’t know what they want is playing with fire

Linking yourself to someone who does not love himself, who lives on doubts, insecurities and those fears and voids that others must temper, nourish and fill, can be as dangerous as a fall into the void without a parachute. Because Those who do not know what they want make love a deadly game of immaturity and subtle irresponsibility.

We are faced with people who doubt everything, even the feelings we profess to them. In this relational context, one is forced almost constantly to show the other their affection. We become, almost without realizing it, figures that shelter fears, that dispel doubts, that must perform great heroic deeds so that the loved one trusts us.

Something like this not only leads to exhaustion, because we offer everything without receiving anything. Sooner or later, obvious wear and tear is created in that bond. What is behind those who doubt everything? What happens in the mind of the person who needs constant praise and fears abandonment almost every day? We analyze it.

Having to offer constant displays of affection to the insecure person causes great exhaustion

The insecure couple, a bond of suffering

Let’s talk about relationships: when Most of us start a relationship and want to build a happy, dignified and meaningful bond.. We want authentic life partners, valuable lovers and mature people capable of building a common project: solid and enriching. This is what we long for in capital letters and neon lights. However, we must admit, reality is sometimes less shiny.

According to Dr. Sandra Murray, professor of psychology at the University of Buffalo and expert in relationships, affectionate spouses who are characterized by classic personal insecurity can become real psychological saboteurs.

Something curious that this same author explains is that There are many women who usually start relationships with insecure men just after having left a complex and stormy relationship with a narcissistic partner.. Suddenly discovering someone who, at first glance, does not seem so focused on themselves, is attractive. Seeing that we are dealing with a person who appears fallible, shy as well as insecure, can seduce us because of that more human and even close nuance.

However, As coexistence begins and in the day-to-day life of the relationship, we discover sharp edges.. They are like the tips of a complex iceberg that emerges from nowhere and with which we inevitably collide, encountering a cold, distant and even destructive dimension…

What is this behavior due to?

Attaching yourself to a person with great insecurities, who deals with great internal struggles and who fears everything, comes from different origins. This dynamic of approach and flight, of behavioral changes, of great needs and deep deficiencies, is explained by two realities:

1. Insecure attachment and anxiety

Attachment styles define the way we bond with our parents in childhood.. Thus, research from the University of Milano-Bicocca, in Italy, for example, suggests something interesting. Relational well-being is nourished by a secure attachment. They are bonds based on trust, independence and maturity.

However, People defined by an anxious or insecure attachment are dominated by restlessness, fears and even constant jealousy. They do not trust others, fear abandonment and need greater displays of affection. The cause stems from that childhood with a parent who did not attend to his needs.

2. Possible underlying mental disorders

The person with insecurities usually shows everything from anxiety problems to a personality marked by neuroticism (emotional instability).. It is important to understand in all cases that these profiles dominated by alterations in their way of relating may hide some psychological disorder that should be addressed.

Behind the insecurity there can be anything from an anxiety disorder, depression to a traumatic childhood. Professional care is essential

The consequences of associating with an insecure person

At first, as we have pointed out, this insecurity can be attractive to us. There is something endearing, sweet and even seductive in those profiles that are vulnerable, that admit their fears, their doubts, their limitations. Even more, There is no shortage of people who fall in love with these people when they think that they can change them, that can act as true saviors by providing security and temperance to those who balance the fine thread of fears.

However, we must be clear. In relationships, no one can or should act as a savior, as a hero of low self-esteem.as a magician of deep fears or as a brave manager of limiting attitudes.

This is so for a very simple reason: We cannot change someone’s personality from one day to the next, even more so if our partner shows some psychological problem that should be addressed. On the other hand, the consequences that one can suffer when associating with an insecure person are multiple and very varied. Next, we will talk to you about them.

1. Relational exhaustion

Insecure people are characterized by a constant need for external approval and recognition.. We cannot forget that those who do not know what they want have a self-esteem in danger. It is as if it were a bicycle tire that constantly gets flat, so it needs to be removed and “inflated.”

This makes us figures who must act as constant validators of our partner’s shortcomings. Something like this is exhausting.

2. They will break your heart and you will feel alone

Another common aspect has to do with erratic and capricious behaviors, with emotional ups and downs and the constant change of personal goals.. Living with an insecure and immature partner is like giving our heart to someone who doesn’t know how to take care of it.who instantly loses interest in him and the next day needs him like the air he breathes.

3. They will want to control you

The need for control is also a common trait. This lack of personal security often gives way to mistrust, doubting the couple’s bond, fearing abandonment, deception or betrayal. Hence, it is common to go through times when they feel the need to control almost every step of their spouse.

As we can see, joining a person who has not invested in his personal growth, who is made of fears and who is incapable of investing firmly and healthily in the couple’s own project, can be the worst decision. .

What can we do if we live with an insecure person?

Personal insecurity has degrees, this is important to make clear. There will be people who are fully aware of it and try to manage it, temper it as much as possible. However, There are also those who, far from seeing it, assuming it and accepting it, defend themselves against it by dressing in an armor of thorns.. Whoever gets too close is condemned to suffer. While the delicate and fragile being inside, he remains safe…

Thus, the first step we must do if we are linked to a person with this profile is to get them to assume their responsibility, who is able to see this insecure behavior as the origin of the couple’s lack of satisfaction.

On the other hand, we must ensure that our lifestyle remains and does not end up subordinated to the needs of others. So, We will not waste our breath inflating low self-esteem, Nor will we get on those emotional ferris wheels where at one moment we are a reason for adoration and the next day for the coldest disinterest. Because bonding with someone who doesn’t know what they want can make our emotional state unbalanced.

Let us remember that wise love is not fickle, that those who truly love know well what they should take care of and what they should fight for. In a healthy relationship, permanent insecurity is not worth it, nor is it worth it to half love you today and completely tomorrow. Let us then allow ourselves to find a brave, dignified, colorful and enriching love.

Lastly and most importantly, Let’s help the insecure person to seek professional help to heal their fears and understand the origin of their insecurity.