What is counterdependence and why does it affect so many people?

Counterdependence is a new word that was created to name a phenomenon that is also relatively new: the tendency to emotional detachment due to fear.. Not many decades ago what was considered “normal” was strengthening ties with others. Family ties were protected and cultivated, as were ties to the community.

Currently, this closeness continues to be maintained in small towns, although not with as much strength as before. On the other hand, in cities, especially the largest ones, there seems to be an epidemic of counterdependence. Many people want no one to interfere in their lives. Most relationships They are considered ephemeral or circumstantial. Life alone is privileged.

Even so, complaints about loneliness are also common. Many would like things to be different, but they are not willing to change decisively either. It’s as if you wanted the other to be there. but without the inconveniences and contradictions that this otherness embodies. Neither do we want to admit dependence, nor do we want to pay the price of counter-dependence. That is the paradox.

Characteristics of counterdependence

Contrary to what one might think at first, People who have counterdependence problems are not lonely nor are they isolated nor do they usually have a small circle of friends. Quite the opposite. The fear of intimacy takes them to the other extreme. They are those who go from meeting to meeting, from party to party. They are “in everything”.

The main characteristic of counterdependence is the difficulty to connect deeply with another human being. In addition to this, there are also other traits that identify it:

They establish relationships easily, but then they stop and do not move forward.They say they feel “trapped” if someone wants to be intimate with themThey distance themselves from others without any prior warning. They feel sympathy for people who appear lacking or needy.They are almost always “busy.””.They do not ask for help even though they need it.

Flee rather than suffer

The logic of someone affected by counterdependence is based on the idea that suffering must be avoided, at all costs and at whatever price. He feels that strengthening ties with someone is a matter that entails great risks. He fears feeling vulnerable and fears being abandoned. That is why he arms himself with a shell so as not to feel and leaves before they leave him.

Counterdependents rarely come into conflict with others. Conflict requires a certain degree of intimacy and bonding, which is precisely what they avoid. For others, their attitude may seem very strange and incomprehensible. One day they disappear, without any problem and without giving any explanation..

They are the type of people who tell you that they are more focused on success, or on their projects, than on having a relationship. They consider the latter something not serious, or of little value. They also have an air of apparent superiority. They feel that they are too evolved for others to understand them, or that others want to take advantage of their many virtues.

An inner world invaded by fear

Behind the people who fall into counterdependence what there is is fear, with all its letters. This avoidant attitude is probably born from past experiences that have not been completely overcome.. Particularly, of unfinished grief or traumatic experiences during childhood. These are people who have been hurt or abandoned and who decided to stop feeling so as not to go through pain like that again.

The problem is that they end up believing their own lie. They don’t think they have a problem, but quite the opposite: they think they are better than others.. It is a compensation mechanism to cope with one’s own vulnerability. They tend to be quite hard on themselves and very severe when it comes to judging their own mistakes.

Counterdependent people become very tense in very personal or intimate situations. If they come to feel that they need another, they experience shame and reproach themselves. They are also quite distrustful. In general, they think that other people have hidden intentions or a hidden agenda.

In the background, counterdependents suffer a lot. They feel emptiness and loneliness, but since they are marked by prevention, they prefer to give up to be happier., although they have the opportunity to build positive relationships with others. What is clear is that these people need understanding, affection and perhaps professional help to break the shell that traps them.

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