Demisexuality: when emotions generate desire

Sexuality was never heteronormative. But it wasn’t long ago that we started arguing about it. In this article we will talk about demisexuality, an orientation where emotional connection is key to awakening sexual desire.

Being demisexual means experiencing sexual attraction only after establishing an emotional connection with someone. It falls into the category of “gray sexuality”, which encompasses variations between asexuality and sexuality.

From this we understand that Sexuality is not reduced in terms of “white” or “black”, but rather there is a wide range of experiences. In relation to this, theSocial networks are helping to make visible and name new sexual identities and choices that have always existed.

In this article we will explore the characteristics of demisexuality, its challenges and how it has become a crucial point in the conversation on sexual diversity.

What does it mean to be demisexual?

The term «demisexuality» It was coined in 2006 by the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). As mentioned in a article from Denver University, some professionals consider it a type of sexual identity and orientation.

Holly Richmond, sexologist and couples therapy specialist, explains that for demisexual people, physical attraction does not arise immediately when meeting someone. In these cases, sexual desire is not the main driving force, unlike what we see in Hollywood movies where people often experience lust at first sight.

A no less important fact is that Being demisexual is not a decision and therefore cannot be changed voluntarily with phrases like «I’ll be different from now on». This is not a conscious choice not to have sex before forming a bond, but rather a response that is not activated until that bond has developed.

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However, these people can decide to have sex even when they don’t want to. Often this happens due to social pressures or lack of knowledge about these identities.

Demisexuality and asexuality are related concepts, but not the same

Although demisexual people may go a long time without wanting to have sex, it is important to note that demisexuality and asexuality are not interchangeable terms. This is clarified by an article published in The Journal of Sex Research.

In the first group, sexual desire usually awakens after establishing an emotional relationship, and the sexual experience can vary, depending on the person, from being intense and passionate to not being a priority at all. In contrast, asexual people may not experience sexual attraction or desire, even when they are deeply in love, for example.

Being demisexual and pansexual at the same time… Is it possible?

Demisexual people can identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, etc., or feel attracted (emotionally and then sexually) to people of any gender. In this last scenario, Demisexuality and pansexuality can coexist in the same person. Do you follow our idea?

Let’s dig deeper. When we talk about pansexuality we are referring to people who may be attracted to individuals of male, female, non-binary, gender fluid, among others. Neither gender nor previous emotional connection (as long as it is not a demisexual person) are determining factors in sexual desire.

Is there a correlation between demisexuality and the feeling of loneliness?

One of the main challenges that demisexual people have to deal with is the feeling that they are not fully understood. It happens with all sexual minorities. In this case, prioritizing genuine feelings can be a little complicated to understand in a world where speed and superficial connections seem to be the norm.

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Definitely, The feeling of isolation and loneliness is a struggle that many demisexuals know firsthand. They watch how their friends jump from relationship to relationship, or how every weekend someone new seems to attract them, while they feel that something doesn’t fit the way they feel.

Likewise, the fact that they need to take time to build a solid emotional bond before moving forward sexually can generate some frustration and hinder the start of a relationship.

But, we don’t have to think that all is lost! As awareness of demisexuality grows, so do opportunities for honest, respectful, and meaningful connections.

Being demisexual is not a problem; It is an orientation

Let’s emphasize this: There is nothing bad, broken or incomplete about demisexual people. All guidelines are equally valid and deserve respect. If you have doubts about your sexuality or if this is causing you conflict or discomfort, it is important that you address the issue in a safe and professional space, such as a psychotherapy process.

The experience of demisexuality can vary significantly from one subject to another. This aspect highlights the importance of recognizing and respecting the diversity of experiences within the broad spectrum of sexual identity and orientation.reminding us that there is no single valid path to understanding and expressing human sexuality.

In this sense, it is essential that we continue to question the heteronormative thinking rooted in our culture, thus contributing to creating a more inclusive, respectful and healthy society.