What emotional responsibility is and what it is not

How do you feel in your relationship? You are happy? If you don’t have an emotional bond with anyone right now, look in the rearview mirror of your memory. What went wrong the last time you fell in love? The truth is that, by putting most broken loves under a microscope, you could discover that there is almost always a trigger: a lack of emotional responsibility.

Not being aware of how actions and words affect the loved one undermines every bond little by little. Those who do not take care of their communication and do not make an effort to regulate difficult emotions will project the worst of themselves onto others. To love is to respect, care and not be carried away by the inertia of selfishness. We suggest you delve deeper into this topic.

What is emotional responsibility?

Having adequate emotional responsibility means understanding that your actions have an effect on others.. You are faced with a nuclear dimension in any relationship that is nourished by two key aspects: emotional intelligence and interpersonal respect. Without them, deficiencies, emotional invalidation and progressive psychological pain appear.

As the philosopher Tom Roberts explains to us, in a publication in Ethical Theory and Moral Practice, it is essential to first take responsibility for the proper management of emotions. If you are not aware of or regulate your frustrations or internal anger, you will project them onto your partner, and said relationship will have complications. It is a priority to enable you to understand each element that makes up this sphere. We give you the keys.

1. Empathic and assertive communication

Respectful, empathetic and sincere communication is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship. What’s more, a work published in Frontiers in Psychology describes it as the heart of every couple’s bond. Emotional responsibility is combined daily with that comprehensive and emotional dialogue that cares and knows how to reach agreements. To exercise it you can start from these guides:

Listen actively: Pay attention to what your partner communicates to you without interrupting. Make eye contact, nod, and show genuine interest in understanding their emotions and thoughts.Practice empathy: Try to put yourself in the loved one’s shoes and understand their emotions from their perspective. To do this, acknowledge and validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree with them.Avoid criticism and accusation: John Gottman, a psychologist who is an expert in relationships, describes in his book Seven golden rules for living as a couple (1999) that one of the “horsemen of the apocalypse” in a relationship is criticism and contempt. Avoid them.Make use of assertiveness: Honesty, using assertive, kind and respectful communication, is an essential pillar of emotional responsibility in the couple.Use positive language: When communicating, avoid focusing on the negative. Instead, try to highlight what you appreciate about your partner and what you value in the relationship.Learn to manage conflict: Always remember that disagreements are normal in any emotional bond. Knowing how to approach them constructively by listening, expressing needs and finding solutions is essential.

2. Respect for the relationship and established commitment

Every emotional relationship is based on an agreement that must be respected. If you have a commitment to exclusivity and fidelity with your partner, you have to take care of it. Now, if you have agreed on an open or polyamorous relationship, the last thing to do is lead to behaviors dominated by jealousy.

In addition, If the relationship is in crisis, being responsible in this matter also means working to improve it.. Investing joint efforts, addressing what hurts or even letting go of what no longer makes sense, is also a core component of this dimension.

3. Establish agreements and understand that all behavior has an effect

A relationship is not a company, but it is a team and, as such, it requires agreeing on agreements and internal rules. Affective responsibility implies knowing what the limits and needs of each person are. This requires negotiations and dialogues that, far from being avoided, must be clarified as soon as possible to create a relational map with which to take care of the bond.

On the other hand, It is necessary to understand that every action and inaction, every silence or word said has an effect on the other person.. In relationships, nothing is harmless and each dynamic has a meaning inscribed. Taking this principle into account will improve day-to-day life within an emotional bond.

Affective responsibility is also working on that relationship when there are problems and disagreements. Whoever abandons the couple when the first differences or challenges appear shows clear immaturity in emotional matters.

4. The commitment to take care of the relationship

Committing to someone doesn’t mean telling them every day that you will love them forever. Loving requires action, it involves caring for and tending to the bond with affection, efforts, daily dedication and courage.. Being responsible in this area also demands a basic dimension that they describe in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

We are referring to compassionate love. Concern for the well-being of the other contributes to emotional growth in the relationship. It is a healing and comforting element that is worth practicing.

5. Heal one’s own emotional wounds

The person who has not healed their traumas, frustrations, emptiness and loneliness will project them onto others. Emotional responsibility requires addressing one’s own emotional problems so as not to harm the couple with them.. This is a complex craft that requires working on a series of areas. We specify them to you:

Treat possible unhealed childhood traumas. Grieve for previous breakups. Also heal the pain due to the loss of other figures. Acquire skills to regulate anger and frustration. Improve emotional intelligence skills.

What it is not to be responsible in emotional matters

At this point, it is very likely that more than one person will say to themselves: “yes, I am a person with good emotional responsibility.” The truth is that they are easy pillars to understand, it is true. But What you frequently see in psychological consultation is people who understand the theory, but fail in practice.

Therefore, it is important to do a brief review of what emotional responsibility is not. Understanding it will help you not only improve in this relational discipline. In addition, you will be able to identify some biases or misconceptions that are often integrated without realizing it. We describe it to you:

You are not responsible for everything your partner feels

Many times, even if your communication and attitude are respectful and affectionate, the other person’s behavior may not be in tune. Keep in mind that there are multiple factors that are beyond your control and for which you are not responsible in a relationship.. To understand it, we will give you some examples:

If the other person distrusts you and shows constant jealous behavior, the fault is not yours. Your partner’s bad mood and poor emotional management are not within your responsibilities. Nor is lack of respect, immaturity or lack of responsibility on your part. poor communication from the other.

Prioritize your own needs

If there is an element that defines this dimension, it is balance, equality and reciprocity. Love is not sacrifice, love is growing together sharing responsibilities. In this sense, The person who focuses exclusively on what he needs, neglecting the other, will be emotionally irresponsible..

It is evident that what you feel matters—a lot—but not to the point of overlooking the other. Enriching affection is one that creates a shared space to care for each other. In that refuge there is no room for narcissism, contempt or invalidation.

What to do if this area does not exist in my relationship?

Do you feel that your partner does not practice emotional responsibility? Do their attitudes, behaviors and way of communicating hurt you? Is he not aware of how his behavior affects your well-being? There are many people with great deficiencies in this psycho-emotional dimension. If you are dealing with that relational experience right now, take note of some keys:

Communicate with your partner and explain how you feel. Give concrete examples of those acts that hurt you. Speak to him with respect, assertiveness and clearly. Avoid blaming and ask him to change his attitude. Suggest that he improve his emotional intelligence skills. Ask to go to couples therapy if you think it is appropriate. Establish a time for these changes to appear. Make a decision if you do not want to improve this area.

To love is to practice emotional responsibility

Philosopher Aaron Ben-Zeev explains in his book arc of love (2019) that the spontaneous nature of emotions can make you believe that you are not responsible for them. By assuming this idea, you also stop being aware of how your behavior affects others. Always keep in mind that Few relational crafts are as decisive for coexistence as this practice.

Exercise it, improve it and demand it from whoever is part of your life. Because if this exercise is absent, that lack of respect that usually leaves so many consequences will make its way. To love is to try to be better every day for the balance of oneself and also for the happiness of others.

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