Unraveling the fear of having sex |

Modern life inserts us into a fantastic plurality, but it also leads us to truths that are often paradoxical: if on the one hand we have the impression of being increasingly in control of our lives, on the other hand we have seen an ever-increasing uneasiness and fear awaken in us. bigger. Many faces of fear can be manifested in each one, which go far beyond the fear of the dark or the fear of the hauntings of our childhood.

Today’s phobias range from the fear of loneliness, violence, control by technology and contracting new and old diseases, in addition to the more typical fears of our secure existence, such as losing a job, not being accepted socially, betrayal, among others that anguish our minds. Among all fears and phobias, there is also that of having sex.

A closer analysis of these and many other fears reveals that insecurity is the origin of everything. The lack of confidence in oneself is a mental process that absorbs us and prevents our positive emotions from flowing naturally. We know that our mind registers all the good and bad sensations we experience in life. With each new event, seen as threatening, the unconscious rescues past memories, warning about what it considers as danger or threat.

Pressure for good performance in bed generates insecurity

In the case of fear of having sex, the threat can often be translated as embarrassment, humiliation and even violence. The insecurity that generates the fear of having sex is usually related to social pressures. The growing cult of impeccable sexual performance is capable of developing the fear of not being able to satisfy the other’s expectations sexually in bed.

Beliefs linked to male performance in sex demand intense sexual activity, controlled and effective erection, in addition to reserve in the expression of feelings. When a man is unable to manifest all these aspects during the sexual act, he may suffer social discrimination or suspicions about his virility, factors that can generate fear of having sex again.

In the case of women, the ghost of anorgasmia (absence of orgasm) hovers, which results in sexual failure or even inhibition of sexual desire. In the physiology of the human sexual response, desire is the first thing to be activated for the sexual act to happen in a satisfactory way. Without this desire drive, the woman does not feel available for sex. As a chain reaction, this inhibition can also trigger the fear of having sex.

In both cases, the experience will only be complete if lovers let go of control and allow themselves to surrender to love, to have sex for the pleasure of loving and being loved. Never for the demand to be the best or the best in bed.

love your body

Another aspect that can frustrate performance in bed is body dissatisfaction. This happens when the person fixates on the thoughts that he does not have the ideal body, according to socially established “standards”, which are only idealized and not real. The non-acceptance of the body can generate negative sexual experiences, of rigid bodies, which do not give in to mutual caresses and, thus, such insecurity that it configures in the fear of having sex.

The enchantment in sex exists precisely in intimacy, where forms disappear so that bodies are shaped in a feast of pleasures and fantasies. True delivery humanizes the sexual relationship and places it above any aesthetic standard, as it becomes beauty itself.

Psychological inhibitions and fear of having sex

Even in the 21st century, institutional controls – such as family, religion, health, social contracts, etc. – can still also be considered a repressive factor of human sexuality, and in some cases it is still the main reason for the fear of being surrendered in bed.

When not well managed, family education triggers fears and apprehensions for sexual activity. After all, adult sexuality is profoundly influenced by parental attitudes experienced in childhood. Children can develop taboos, shame and guilt for feeling sexual desire, resulting from misinformation about sex. This is often a reflection of a more rigid education, which prevents knowledge of one’s own body.

We cannot forget the traumatic issues that permeate sexuality, such as rape; violence or sexual abuse; and, unsatisfactory first sexual experience, with aggression or unfulfilled high expectations. In this case, it is also important to take into account the fear of being infected by sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS.

Physical anomalies also impair the sexual act

Certain bio-physiological anomalies can also generate fear of having sex, such as premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, in the case of men, and dyspareunia (genital pain during the sexual act), vaginismus (genital pain prevents penetration) and anorgasmia (absence of orgasm), in the case of women.

There are also behavioral problems in the relationship, such as the difficulty of telling the other what you really like in bed, dissatisfaction with the partner or partner, mistreatment of partners and lack of expression of well-wanting and affection. affect relationships of convenience, fear of pregnancy, lack of self-confidence and/or trust in the partner, and even the stress resulting from the roles assumed socially.

Any of the above aspects can become negative information stored in our mental memory, capable of raising the fear of having sex. Since the most remote times, in all cultures, controls have been exercised over people’s sexuality and this is extremely individual, depending on the life story of each one of us.

surrender to love

The fear of having sex can hide a greater fear of getting involved in a loving relationship, of surrendering to a deeper experience of fulfillment, as this could denote the loss of “control”, a false self-sufficiency and the loss of “ power of self” in the other.

In this case, it is necessary to reprogram the mind so that the fear dissolves and, thus, the person has the courage to risk living beyond the barriers, sometimes overt, sometimes subtle, that arise in our sexual health. Courage, whose etymological root is the word cuore (from Latin, heart), presupposes an investment of the heart in action.

Attentive listening to our heart can impel us to live our sexuality more fully, allowing us to fully exercise our freedom. In this way, we will be able to combine the action of having sex with our everyday experiences as a source of pleasure and emotional fulfillment in the love encounter and the very structuring of our identity.