Types of shame and how they affect us

Recently, an acclaimed American psychoanalyst has proposed 4 types of shame that you consider fundamental; Based on the fact that he believes that, today, people are more prepared to talk about what embarrasses us, he explains how he thinks each of these variants can affect us.

In his recently published book, Burgo (2018) presents four paradigms from which to study this sensation. However, before starting with the differences, we can say that there is a common detailed picture regarding the manifestations of shame:

Facial, neck or chest flushing.Behaviors or thoughts of escape and/or avoidance.Urgent need to disappear or change location.Difficulty maintaining gaze with another person.Temporary mental confusion.Etc.

Many people have a very negative conception of shame. However, Those in charge of the scientific study of the types of shame conceive it as more varied in its nature and with more moderate, less disastrous consequences.

In one way or another, shame is a relatively frequent and difficult to avoid aspect of our daily lives; However, that degree of toxicity that we usually attribute to it may not, as a rule, be such. In fact, Burgo proposes in his book – based on his clinical observations of more than 35 years – a surprising relationship between shame and self-esteem.

In this way, it is considered that the learning that can be derived from the interaction with our states of shame would carry a more robust psychological impact than the inhibition that the emotion could produce. The message that this author offers us is optimistic and demystifying..

There are rarely any occasions in which we stop to listen and engage in a fruitful dialogue with our states of shame. On the other hand, what is common is that the different types of shame to which we expose ourselves are so aversive that we tend to mask them under conditions such as:

Addictions.Perfectionism.Self-pity.Promiscuity.Narcissism.Etc.

Types of shame and their influence

One of the reasons why today, both in the research and clinical spheres, it is easier to talk about the subject is because, in general, people tend to appear less scared; the reluctance to talk about what embarrasses us is, in today’s society, something less.

In a social context in which we are encouraged to show our true image, love ourselves for who we are and live in harmony with our qualities and the contents of our mind, People are more prepared to look within themselves and share what makes them ashamed. Positive psychology, so prevalent today, is a clear example of advocating for the optimistic acceptance of our less desirable traits.

For Burgo, facing shame, in any of its forms, is a daily occupation; a psychological process that, like so many others, unfolds during daily life. Therefore, To deal with it is to be part of a natural and acceptable phenomenon..

This author’s proposal is that, generally speaking, one can distinguish 4 types of shame:

1. Unrequited love

It is enough to have loved someone and find out that that love was not reciprocated., having been rejected or abandoned by the person you loved, to get a precise idea of ​​how embarrassing the situation was; In some cases, shame leads to humiliation.

It is known that this type of shame can begin to be experienced in the first years of life; Those babies who, repeatedly, do not tend to provoke the desired emotional reactions in their mothers after countless calls for attention, experience something very similar to this shame due to “loving one-sidedness.”

In psychological practice, it is observed that people who have been raised in this way, with mothers who have not tended to achieve a sufficient level of empathy in the mother-child bond, present a structural affliction that could be assimilated to a basal shame; This would have negatively conditioned the normal development of the individual.

2. Unwanted exposure

This is more recurrent when, in an informal conversation, shame is discussed.. Multiple daily episodes, more or less common, are linked to it, such as being called out or belittled in public or entering a room and discovering you naked.

Generally, this type of shame is – due to its frequency and relative lack of severity – transitory and hardly relevant to the psychological well-being of the individual; However, depending on the person’s predisposition and the intensity of the emotion experienced, In certain cases it could acquire the consideration or be associated with trauma.

4. Failure to meet expectations or disappointment

This would fit the type of shame that arises when, after trying to achieve a goal, the attempt fails and with it expectations collapse self-imposed or poured on us by other people.

In terms of severity and potential repercussions, it is similar to the previous type. Some everyday examples that could trigger this feeling of shame are:

Not continuing with the expected professional projection. The erosion of a friendship relationship. The failure of a romantic relationship.

5. Exclusion or marginalization

Almost all of us are interested to a great extent, due to our own condition as social beings, fit in and develop a sense of group belonging. This principle is applicable to almost all of a person’s life domains: work, romantic relationships, friendships, etc. However, there are times when this sense of belonging can be threatened…

In these cases, good self-esteem and the ability to make correct attributions would serve as a defense against the negative influence of this type of shame – attributions of the typeMy friends haven’t invited me to the barbecue today because with all the work I’m doing, they probably think I’m very busy and don’t want to bother me, because they don’t want to be with me.“-.

Conclusion

Shame can be exhausting and exasperate you So much so that in some cases it can be a determining element of our emotional balance and the constitution of our personality. In fact, some personality traits considered maladaptivesuch as narcissism or self-destructive tendencies, are typically associated with poor shame confrontation mechanisms.

Saying ‘no’ to a child can involve a very mild variety of shame, as it tends to interrupt the child’s natural exploratory impulses; but This type of shame does not usually last long nor does it usually have consequences. long-term.

Therefore, unless we are dealing with a person whose childhood has been plagued by abuse, abandonment or trauma, the small “reservoirs” of shame that may have accumulated should not imply a permanent negative effect. Thus, Every father and mother should be calm about offering refusals to their children. from time to time.

However, those who have been severely impacted by shame, If they decide to seek psychological assistance – something we highly recommend –the therapist must tread very carefully and discover, very little by little, the person’s personal defenses after having obtained their trust.

And building bonds of trust requires time and effort, especially for those who harbor deep feelings of shame and humiliation; For them, being judged by others can be a big concern.even if it’s the therapist they fear being judged from.

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