Trauma bonding: you hurt me but I need you

Captive emotional relationships abound in which love hurts and annihilates happiness and self-esteem. However, despite this situation, the person is unable to break that bond, because affection and attraction are blinding, to the point of minimizing damage. Trauma bonding draws a psychological canvas very similar to that of Stockholm syndrome.

It is possible that, seen from the outside, these types of situations seem strange and contradictory to us. Why does someone come to tolerate the intolerable? Why stay with someone who humiliates, mistreats and emotionally abuses the other? The truth is that in the field of human relationships there are hidden psychological processes that need to be understood.

First of all, it will be useless to tell someone who is in this situation to get away from that person as soon as possible. Codependency can be so intense that the mind stops functioning rationally: It is emotions and unhealthy attachment that completely controls that bond.. It is a bond that corrupts, but continues to feed needs as basic as the fear of abandonment.

What is trauma bonding?

It was in the 1980s that the idea of ​​trauma bonding first began to be studied.. It was the psychologists Donald G. Dutton and Susan L. Painter who analyzed the cases of hundreds of abused women who lived with their partners. The first thing they discovered is that sometimes fear is not that mechanism that, in normal situations, would favor flight from or confrontation with that which causes harm.

What is seen in these types of links is submission and a clear power difference. There is one who subdues the other. We have figures attached to an unhealthy affection to which they do not react. What is the reason for this permissiveness and tolerance of suffering? In reality, these relationships follow a circular pattern that goes from the “Now I give you affection, now I mistreat you, you get angry, you forgive me, and then I start over again.”

The problem of attachment and the narcissistic personality

Psychologists Donald Dutton and Susan Painter conducted a study in the 90s to understand these types of relationships a little more. They were able to show that Many of these women who tried to leave their abusive partners did not succeed because they showed a very intense type of emotional attachment.. Added to this was the low self-esteem and the abuser’s own domineering personality.

Besides, Much of the bonding due to trauma is established with a narcissistic profile. As we well know, these figures are skilled at manipulating, controlling and draining their victims of all psychological and emotional resistance.

The cycle of abuse and addiction to affection that destroys

In the emotional, cognitive and behavioral pattern of the person who evidences trauma bonding An unquestionable factor is added: one’s own addiction to that unhealthy love. It is a type of attachment that tolerates everything. Codependency is constituted by low self-esteem, idealization of the other, fear of loneliness and self-sacrifice towards the narcissist.

Likewise, for the bond due to trauma to be maintained, as we have pointed out previously, a very particular cycle of abuse often occurs. Follow the following guidelines:

The relationship is accumulating tensions (arguments, abuse, humiliation, slights…). Finally, the victim reacts to a more serious incident.The abuser acts quickly by changing his behaviordemonstrating affection, regret and express willingness to change.Reconciliation occurs and, on average, is intense and rewarding. This gives way to a brief period of apparent harmony. The abuse and mistreatment reappear and the cycle begins again.

How to act in these situations?

Something important to understand about trauma bonding is that It feeds back on the imbalance of power in which periods of punishment occur with moments of reward. (like reconciliations). It is decisive that the person is able to break that pattern. This can be complicated because many times these victims are completely isolated.

Narcissists tend to separate their victims from family and friends, which is why it is always difficult for them to completely separate themselves from those who hurt them. Social support is essential in these cases. The environment, co-workers, neighbors and social services must be those figures who are attentive and sensitive to these realities.

Keys to leaving behind a traumatic bond

To confront and leave behind the traumatic bond, the following strategies would be useful:

Separation of the victim from the aggressor.The victim must recognize and become aware of the emotional abuse, mistreatment, codependency and that unhealthy attachment that adheres to a harmful relationship.Development of a support network. The person must have new figures to turn to to talk, share, feel validated and helped. This closeness with figures other than the aggressor will allow them to see their reality in a different way to feel stronger, to set new goals on the horizon. Psychological therapy in these cases is essential to treat the wound of trauma and rebuild identity and self-esteem. , as well as for Give strategies to the person so that they do not fall back into emotionally abusive relationships.

To conclude, many times the fact that someone has a greater tendency to develop this type of emotional ties has its origin in childhood and the type of upbringing they received.

The psychological work in these cases must be deeper and more delicate to heal the marks of a trauma that persists and that manifests itself constantly in each relationship. They are, without a doubt, very complex realities.

You might be interested…