Toxic mother-daughter relationship: 6 keys to healing yourself

in consultation con Ramón Soler is a Mentesana.es podcast dedicated to psychology. Listen and share it.

since our conception, the bond with our mother is the most significant relationship that we maintain, for years, with another human being. The quality of this link is not only essential for the development of our personality, but also constitutes the model to follow for the type of relationship that, later on, we will establish with other people.

How to regain peace after a painful childhood

despite having suffered toxic relationships with our mother(hypercontrol, emotional abandonment, mistreatment, abuse, etc.), we can always work to regain control of our lives.

These 6 steps can help regain inner calm if the maternal union during childhood was deficient and its derived deficiencies still harm us.

1. Now you are an adult too.

Time has passed and the girl that your mother continues to see as her little daughter has grown up. The time has come for you to make your own decisions, you have every right to live your own life. Do not doubt it, you deserve to have horizontal relationships, free of submissions and power games.

2. You set the limits.

More often than not, the changes that we want to occur in others never come. Perhaps, your mother continues repeating the same schemes as hers and pretending that you act the same as before, however, now you can set some limits of respect in your relationship and decide to what extent you allow them to interfere in your life.

3. Understanding does not mean allowing

You may come to understand why your mother behaved the way she did in the past, but this is no excuse for her to continue to do so. It’s not healthy to hide the damage you’ve taken.

4. And if you are a mother

If you have children of your own, then you feel a double motivation to let go of the past and regain your emotional balance. On the one hand, you notice a legitimate interest in healing, but also, think that all the burden you release will be ballast that you are avoiding your children.

5. Think of you

If you have spent your life pending the wishes or expectations of others, the time has come to think about yourself. It’s not selfishness, it’s emotional health. Remember that if you are not well, you will not be able to love your loved ones unconditionally.

6. Do things you want

Listen to your body and feel what it asks of you. You can start with simple things like walking on the beach, listening to your favorite music or developing a forgotten hobby. Little by little, you will feel more and more clearly that inner voice that tells you what is good for you.

The strength of the mother-daughter bond

Some mothers build with their children solid ties of connection and respect. Free of conditioning and feeling accompanied in their needs, these children grow up happy and self-confident. In other families, authoritarianism, blackmail and coercion damage the mother’s bond with her children, who end up dragging, for life, an accumulation of insecurities and low self-esteem.

The case of Marta comes to mind, one of the most extreme emotional abandonment experiences I’ve had in office. Such was the neglect experienced in her childhood that one year she repeated a year at school and her mother only found out when, after several months, one of the brothers noticed and told her.

In front of these absent motherswe can find the opposite case, that of excessively controlling mothers, like that of Fatima, a teacher by profession, who spent her daughter’s adolescence reviewing her private diary and correcting the faults she found with a red pen.

Both experiences are devastating for personality and, both Marta and Fátima, when they came for consultation, presented a feeling of inferiority and low self-esteem that deeply affected their personal relationships and their ability to face the daily situations of their lives.

Of course, the mothers of both are also victims. and they drag behind them their load of abandonment, fears and insecurities. But these harsh circumstances do not minimize the impact of the deficiencies and repressions that their own daughters have suffered.

Every child, at birth, expects to feel welcomed and loved unconditionally by his mother (also by his father). When this does not happen, the child feels sadness, helplessness, frustration and anger without being able to express them. In order to survive, the creature ends up conforming to the conditions imposed by his family. The consequences of this break with their true self will drag them for life.

To heal in depth, we have to bring to light the emotions that were silenced in the past, connect with our true essence and we will ensure that they never repress us again. Only in this way, being authentic and honest with ourselves, can we forge healthy relationships with others.

Of course, this personal change will influence in the current relationship with our own mother. We will abandon submission and dependence, and we will be able to set our own limits, making it clear how we want to act and what we are or are not going to tolerate.

The evolution of the relationship with our mother it will also depend on how she accepts all these changes. If she clings to the unhealthy patterns of the past, but we no longer allow her to, a estrangement is inevitable.

But if the mother assumes, like a mature person, the mistakes committed in the past and shows a true attitude of change, it is possible to maintain a healthy and adult relationship, no longer from indifference or repression, but from mutual understanding and dialogue.

our most authentic selvesthat internal part of us that knows how we really are and what we need to be happy, never disappears and with the right accompaniment, we can always free ourselves from all the ballast accumulated after years of abuse and reconnect with our true self.

This 180 degree change in our lifeIt also affects our relationship with others and their relationship with us. Sometimes the differences are almost insurmountable and distance is imposed in order to heal properly.

On other occasions, after contemplating the transformation suffered by their children, it is the mothers themselves who go to therapy to work on their personal issues. In these cases, the affective bond with your daughter or son heals as each of the parties matures.

Regardless of our mother’s reaction, the important thing is to have done the work of understanding and healing that I mention above. After this process, we will be able to regain control over our lives, we will make our own decisions, without feeling pressured, and we will restore our self-esteem and our inner calm.