There is no perfect family, because perfection generates unhappiness

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The happiest family will never be a perfect family, but its members will respect each other, accept their differences and ensure that everyone has their opinions, their particularities and their space.

The obsession with having a perfect family has cast a spell on the minds of many people for centuries. There are too many people who dream of having the ideal partner, the most brilliant, obedient and beautiful children. They aspire to have a home dominated by harmony, constant smiles, organized clothes and toys, unhurried breakfasts and zero arguments, crying or tantrums.

Those who dream of that Disney fantasy are doomed to disappointment. What’s more, while it is true that we are used to frequently seeing images of the most idyllic families on Instagram, it is worth remembering that everyone chooses well what to post on social networks. One shows others what one likes to pretend, never what one really is.

It is enough to jump from the digital world to the real world to discover with relief that their lives, like anyone else’s, are far from being 100% wonderful. And this is what is natural, what is foreseeable and even what is expected. Because the family unit is a living, dynamic, changing organism also endowed with a certain chaos.

Very different personalities with very different tastes often live in the same house. Noise, disorder and more than one argument reigns that end in slamming doors or tantrums. But there is also laughter, hugs and constant dialogues. Because happy and authentic families are very heterogeneous, noisy and imperfect.…

People who focus on making their children perfect apply disrespectful and authoritarian parenting.

Families that share time in a relaxed way create more enriching bonds.

The perfect family, a form of suffering

Just as there are no perfect people, there are no perfect families either. But even so, and despite their defects, they can be functional and loving, nuclei made up of parents and children who know how to love, respect, and grow together. There are those who even use the 80/20 guide to measure the quality and harmony of their own family scenario.

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As long as the positive dynamics represent 80% and the problematic ones represent 20%, everything will be fine.. That amount of friction is always tolerable and even manageable. It is common to have small differences with our parents, as is it common to always end up arguing about the same things with our siblings. But as long as these specific clashes are bearable, harmony is guaranteed.

The problem comes when, almost since we can remember, we remember our parents focusing on the idea of building an ideal family. This impossible desire is only achieved through compliance with very rigid guidelines. Because whoever dreams of perfection educates in unhappiness and leads to excessive demands. Also in authoritarianism and wanting to mold minds that were born to be free and not subjected.

Parents seeking status with their children

Many parents who dream of building a perfect family do so by focusing on their children. There are many parents who long to obtain status through their children’s achievements. The little ones thus become trophies, creatures forced to sacrifice themselves to meet the psychological expectations of their caregivers.

Although it may seem striking to us, there are hypercompetitive parents who compete with other parents to see who has the brightest child, the one who wins the most prizes, the one who gets the best grades. Many children are now means to an end, long-term projects of perfectionist families. who aspire to climb social positions thanks to their offspring…

There are parents who treat their children as projects, as entities to be molded, pushed and forcibly led along a very specific path. The goal is none other than to reinforce status and feel important.

The perfect family and authoritarianism

The pursuit of family perfection has a name and it is called authoritarianism. After all, only by moving towards the rigid and non-negotiable norm, towards punishment and severity in order to have submissive children, can one have control over them. This is how they are mastered so that they are exemplary, obedient and achievement-oriented children.

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We must keep in mind that educating in perfection is raising in unhappiness. High expectations and domination undermine emotional development, as well as self-concept and self-esteem. We cannot ignore the fact that this style of education is in turn linked to a worse social competence of the child (Steinberg et al 1994; Chen et al 1997; Zhou et al 2004; Martinez et al 2007; García and Gracia 2009; Garcia et al 2020).

Authentic families love their loved ones for what they are and not for what they could be.

How to build an imperfect and happy family

Let us be builders of happy families, not perfect ones. Let us be encouragers of freedom, dreams and self-confidence, not submission, anxiety and dissatisfaction.. Imperfect families are made up of real people, of individuals who respect each other, who make mistakes, who argue, who get angry, but who know how to reach agreements because they love each other.

Let’s reflect on those dimensions that can make it easier for us to achieve that placid and satisfactory imperfection.

1. Understanding, empathy and flexibility

Both parenting and the relationship between caregivers should be based on emotional validation. Also in understanding and not in criticism or threats.

Happy families are made of empathetic people who know how to listen, who are not rigid in their rules, but rather apply a flexible and democratic approach.

2. Quality time together

It doesn’t matter that parents work all day. The moments shared together must be of quality, even if they are few. Likewise, there must be an authentic desire to be with the family and the explicit desire to make our loved ones feel good.

3. Communicate and know how to negotiate

Happy and authentic families know how to communicate, listen to each other, express what they want and think without fear and do not judge each other.. It is true that, as in any social nucleus, discrepancies and differences arise. However, something that defines them is knowing how to reach agreements, knowing how to negotiate.

4. Family traditions and rituals

Family rituals are practices in which all members come together to do something meaningful. which is its hallmark. Something that only defines them. For example, always taking a trip in the same season, playing certain fun family games or having certain rewarding customs are an example of this.

An example of this can be having a glass jar where you can leave positive messages for your children and parents: “I admire you, I am proud of you”, “I love the way you are”, “you did great today”, etc.

5. Encourage independence

Unlike authoritarian families, imperfect families do not educate in perfection, they educate in happiness. This means that They guide their children to develop their own dreams, so that they feel free and able to achieve what they want without any imposition.

Accepting each member of the family for what they are and not for what they could be is the first step in psychological well-being. Let’s keep it in mind.