The surprising letter that a mother found in her teenage daughter’s drawer

Yes, in some of my manias I am typical. The typical teenager. I am fifteen years old and I write a diary. Today what you read is only a part of this diary, which of course has a lock and is hidden in a place that you will never be able to find. At least I hope that that coincidence doesn’t happen when you stack my objects, firmly believing that this way you give order to my room, in which I feel lost.

If you found it, it would be a good reason, the best without a doubt, for you to become a disastrous mother.. Overprotective, overbearing, unbearable in a word. Besides, I think it would only feed your fears, fears that make you no longer sleep some nights or wait up for me. Because yes, in my head I contemplate options that you would rule out.

When I was little I asked about the outside, what it is, what it is for. Now, for a teenager like me, the questions are more uncertain, they have to do with my interior and I have stopped asking them because I think you don’t have the answers, at least my answers.. That’s why I prefer my friends at this point, with them I share the complicity of not knowing, the excitement of each new discovery. If you go back thirty years in time you will understand what I mean.

When we grow up, we forget

It’s something that amazes me about older people. How quickly they forget that they also got into mischief, fell in love for the first time, pretended to be sick to skip class, or pretended to be absent-minded about the time to arrive later..

The battle they fought for their independence, to resolve the confrontation between what others expected and what they wanted and the price of choosing either of the two options, in the short or long term. What were you like when you were a teenager?

Furthermore, if genes that have this tendency have survived, it is likely that the custom has something adaptive, that it makes it easier for everyone to play their role. May you have your expectations and may I break them, may this be the first exercise of more difficult ones that will surely come and that I will have to face. I think that if Darwin’s theory was explained to us like this, there would be fewer people in the world who would wonder what the hell that man said to be so important.

You know, when I was little, in that exercise of egocentrism that all children do, I thought that the world was a great theater and that people, when I didn’t see them, They were preparing to act out the script that they were going to act out in front of me later..

To check it, on many occasions I tried to be unpredictable. Even if I wanted a sweet, I refused it, to see how others behaved when he acted unpredictably. My intention was that this kind of “Big Brother” would end up confessing everything out of desperation at seeing his schemes broken.

In that game of coherence and incoherence later I have gotten lost many times, more than once a day, with that I tell you everything. Hence my adolescent mood swings, my resistance and acceptance. Of trying to relativize everything and of feeling weightless in the face of that sensation that there is nothing safe to hold on to.

Nothing infallible or over which you have absolute control, because Your best friends can fail you and you can fail the exams for which you have studied the most.. You can call fortune, but it is more capricious than the drops that fall on you in a cloudless sky.

What do I have to do to be good enough?

But the most complicated task of growing up has had to do with a question that contains the helplessness of my classmates and myself. I don’t know what else I have to do to be good, accepted. To feel loved and respected.

It has been a question that I have seen transform my friends and transform myself. The first requirement perhaps is that of have a perfect body, when it develops in an anarchic way and basically does whatever it wants. You may want to be tall and eat yogurt, but if genetics has decided that it is not, then it is not. That’s when you start to understand why the hell high heel torture was invented. So as not to appear, regardless of being.

You start to see how It’s harder to earn someone’s respect when you’re short, just like when your peers decide that you’re overweight or underweight.. One criterion adapts perfectly to the curves that appear on the women in the advertisements: neither too many nor too few, just the right ones.

People who used to know and recognize you now start treating you like something about you sucks., and they do it so radically and so frequently that you start to believe it. That there is something in you, that is wrong, that doesn’t work. Plus, what you do to fix it seems to make you more visible. A truth: you are a bit lazy and God has not called you to wear heels either.

You would like to ask if anyone knows how the hell to compensate for what nature has not given you or has given you too much, but You have already seen how your friends have failed you and at that precise moment you would tolerate almost anything except showing yourself more vulnerable., give them some clue so that they think that their teasing has some kind of effect on you. If there is one thing left for you, it is to give an image of security. It is another of the attitudes that you have to have to be good, not only be safe, but also appear to be so. In this way, you end up giving the image that you don’t care about anything.

In this profile that the adolescent is asked to “enter into life,” I realized that I also had to Get good grades. So you were happy. I also had to make it look like it took effort. But not much. Hardworking yes, but also smart.

In class, people who get bad grades are also not liked, unless the group interprets that it is on their own initiative and not due to lack of ability. If they interpret the latter, you are lost. You will go to be part of the world of zeros on the left. A place that is very easy to enter, but so difficult to leave.

In this sense, seven and eight are the best notes, as well as not raising your hand too much or answering briefly when the teacher asks.. Don’t even do it before you take a gamble and say something that might be funny to your fellow trend-setters. Influencers now call them.

Once they explained to us in class a bell that is famous. I’m talking about Gauss’s bell. Many natural distributions are assumed to fit this bell, so that there is higher density around the mean and lower density at the extremes.

So it seemed very natural to me, because being at the extremes is always dangerous.. Do not show emotions or show them a lot, never get angry or always do it. Thus, if you want to be a teenager and live in peace, it is best to stay in the middle of this bell, where camouflage among so many is easier. A camouflage, as I said before, which suits very well the suit that makes it seem like we don’t care about anything.

This is where the page of this diary ends, which I lost by chance, of course ;<). Saying it to your face would make me embarrassed. That’s why I leave it written in the middle of my socks. Like a lost leaf in the middle of the order that you try to impose, so that you understand a little my fight to find my own. A task that is not easy, but at the same time it is exciting.

And, of course, I love you, I never tell you…

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