The nurse’s syndrome: caring without taking care of yourself

Emma was the perfect caretaker. She dealt with all of her troublesome boyfriends and tried her best to help them to the limit. However, this desire to care for others took its toll on him. She forgot herself and she ended up letting all her partners take advantage of her.

The case of Emma, ​​who came to my office when she felt that something was wrong with her relationships, is common. In our society, Many people, from a very young age, are instilled with the mandate to care for others. This usually happens especially with girls, pigeonholed by the patriarchy, since Neolithic times, in passive roles of attention to the needs of others.

Throughout their lives, these girls, later women, dedicate their lives to the service of others, taking care of them, washing them, clothing them, protecting them, but everyone, including themselves, they forget that they also need attention and care.

This common pattern of behavior, when taken to an extreme, is known as the Nurse Syndrome.

When looking for a partner, driven by this powerful psychological imposition, which was burned into the thousands of times that as a child she was ordered to take care of others, these women, They tend to be attracted to people with problems, who need a lot of care and attention.

When you forget to take care of yourself

Their mandate ends up forcing them to maintain relationships with emotionally and/or physically ill couples that they have to watch out for 24 hours a day. Thus, weeks, months and years can go by without dedicating a minute to themselves. It’s not just that they don’t have time, it’s that their employer prevents them from thinking that to be well, healthy and balanced, they need to take care of themselves.

Over the years, these demanding relationships often end badly. The person who tries to offer his help does not achieve the healing of the other and the patient ends up dragging and plunging his partner into his problems.

The healing of this syndrome requires that these women free themselves from their stories and learn to take care of themselves.

It must be clarified that women suffering from this syndrome they feel very unhappy, sad, depressed in a deep well from which they cannot see the exit. Their desire to care for and save the other person, the result of their patterns and mandates, keeps them in a life that makes them desperate.

They see no way out, but their own mandate prevents them from seeing the solution. Psychologically, at a very deep level, helping others represents an attempt to help themselves.

The case of Emma and her eagerness to care

I remember the case of Emma, ​​who when she came to my office had a history of extremely problematic couples. A drug addict and an alcoholic had been her most significant relationships.

When he turned forty years old, Emma realized that all her relationships were repeating a negative pattern. and her best friend recommended that she start therapy with me to find out the origin of her problem and find a solution.

Emma was a quiet and obedient girl, dedicated, all her childhood to the care of her three little sisters. The young woman told me how when she was 10 years old, every afternoon her parents went to work at the store owned by the family and she was left in the care of her 8, 6 and 3 year old sisters.

The youngest sister had severe mobility problems and used a wheelchair, so in addition to watching her, she had to assist her by giving her food, taking her to the bathroom to relieve herself, and even washing her. The parents imposed on Emma “the mission” of having dinner and bathing her sisters so that when they arrived at night, they could rest.

When she returned from work, her parents always brought her licorice, the girl’s favorite candy, and They told her how good and responsible little Emma was. In this way, being a caregiver created her place in the family. With the praise and attention from her parents, little Ella felt valued, supported and loved. However, the negative part of her, hidden under sweets and nice words, is that her parents delegated responsibility for her and imposed on her the obligation to always take care of everyone.

One of the negative effects of becoming the caretaker of others is that, from a very young age, Emma stopped paying attention to her own needs. She never had time to take care of herself or to be a girl. She never played with friends. She never went out. She always had to take care of her sisters.

It is not surprising that, with this pattern, as an adult, the young woman felt attracted to couples with serious problems, who needed someone to take care of them. But, as we discussed above, these types of relationships never end well.

The pending task that Emma had was to reconnect with herself to take care of herself and worry about what she needed. She acknowledged that her story had marked her negatively and that his parents should not have burdened him with such an enormous responsibility.