“The lack is constant”: the testimony of a mother after her daughter’s suicide

When reporting the death of her youngest daughter, Ana, to friends and followers, chef and writer Heloísa Bacellar said that the 25-year-old decided to leave. Since the poetic statement, she has been trying to publicly show the importance of talking about mental health and understanding that suicide should not be seen as a defeat over life.

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The hardest thing about this pain is that you see the person you love in everything. I walk into the room and think, ‘She would be sitting there, which is where she liked to be.’ Today, I made fish for dinner and she didn’t like it very much, she would be complaining about the smell. But there have also been days when I made a dish that she liked and missed it. Going through her room is an immense pain.

The absence is constant, I feel her absence all day long. I’ve been trying to distract myself. I write, I think about the good times. I want them to prevail over the difficult ones. My husband walks, touches the trees at our house, walks the dog. Slowly, let’s go back. Talking helped me a lot. I talked to the professionals who accompanied Ana and I also received many messages from strangers, people I had never seen in my life and wanted to share stories close to me. That’s how I understood the importance of talking about the subject, which is still a huge taboo.

Ana, our youngest, was fragile and delicate since she was a little girl. She had friends but was extremely shy. I noticed that there was a difference in her. When I was 38 and she was 9, I got sick, I faced serious health problems. I realized that she was very afraid of losing me, it was a heavy situation for her. We decided to seek professional help. I understood that alone, with the love we gave at home or that she received at school, we wouldn’t be able to handle it.

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A person with complex disorders needs to be accompanied by professionals with specific skills and qualifications. There’s nothing ugly or wrong with asking for help. Diagnoses in this medical field are very difficult. Only someone specialized will be able to see what is going on inside the person, since there are no physical symptoms or laboratory tests, and guide everyone in the best practices.

This shows how important it is to look at the people we love, to really observe. Of course, we all have moments of joy and sadness, but fathers, mothers, brothers, friends and even teachers can identify a deeper issue in early childhood, adolescence or adulthood. This care will generate a doubt about what we consider a normal state, an anguish, and then it is time to consult the professional.

“If I hadn’t sought help and bonded with my daughter, her life could have been shorter. I want the memories of the good times to predominate”

I believe that if my daughter lived many years with a good quality of life, it was because of the care she received and the extremely competent team that accompanied her. Of course, there are many issues, such as financial, involved in the possible structure to be provided. But it is important that this person preserve the connection with the will to live better.

When mental health treatment begins, there needs to be a pact between patient, doctor and family or close support network. You can only face a situation of mental disorder together. The patient needs to be able to express what he feels, and this requires a relationship of trust and acceptance.

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It is also essential to strictly follow the medical recommendations, which is why the people involved in the care must create a dialogue and reach a consensus on how this will be done. If everyone thinks they’re going to do what they think is best, it doesn’t work. As a mother, I say that it’s not enough to love the person, you have to learn to talk to them, to open a hotline. And it is necessary to identify subtle signs to know if the person is improving or not, if he is in danger.

Even more important than that is to allow the person autonomy. When you’re talking to a child, some things are simpler. The mother or father are power figures who can make the decisions and resolve. Teenagers are more complicated, as are adults. That’s why you have to learn to talk. It is not possible to close the person in a bubble in an attempt to prevent him from taking risks. She will be unhappy.

A person also has the right to talk about himself, about what he wants. She has discernment of what she wants and will express it. You have to let her have her freedom and just watch her reactions. Is she too isolated or too angry? How are you going to react to this effectively? It takes work to develop these perceptions. But it’s essential.

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This is how you understand the limits and agree with the person: ‘If I see that you’ve reached this point, I’ll contact the professional, but this won’t represent an invasion of your space, because it’s a necessary help, okay? Good?’.

It’s complicated and very painful, because these diseases are often more cruel than the ones we see, but facing the process and developing your own technique to deal with them is part of achieving balance. It’s a huge learning to think and look at the pain of the other.

I know that I did everything possible and impossible for Ana, so that she was healthy and had the maximum quality of life, and for that I don’t feel guilty. It is logical that you will think at one time or another: ‘What if I had done this or that, if I had seen this before, when I was younger’. But it is not possible to live in this logic of what would have happened.

“As a mother, I say that it’s not enough to love the person, you have to learn to talk to them, to open a hotline. And it is also necessary to identify the subtle signs to know if the person is improving or in danger stage “

In addition, I always tried to take care of myself, take a deep breath. If you are not well, you cannot help anyone and the situation is often heavy. Seeking to treat yourself and seeking self-knowledge, as in therapy, it is likely that you will also better understand the ways of relating to the person, ways of creating respectful and non-invasive bridges.

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Ana and I had a beautiful relationship, we were very close, united. Her life, which had incredible moments, only happened because of all that, because of that connection, the support and the continuous treatment of the professionals. Her happy moments spoke much louder than those of suffering.

Many mothers may think: ‘But why is she saying that if her daughter reached a point where she decided that life was no longer worth living and left?’ Had I not sought help and developed the bond I had with my daughter, her life could have been shorter and more miserable.

There are people who will read this and think we’ve been defeated by suicide, but I disagree. Everything I’ve experienced has had a lot of affection. Every good moment experienced by my daughter and with her was a victory – they are the ones I will take with me for the rest of my life. It’s like an ant’s job to show people that they know how to do something, that life has a special meaning – sick people tend to think the opposite, that they don’t know how to do anything, that they can’t achieve anything.

Unfortunately, the outcomes of some cases are not what we would like. But other times, with treatment, people come to understand that life is worth it, that they need to fight for it. For all this to happen, we need to break the taboo that exists about mental health🇧🇷 People need to feel that they can speak, that they can tell what they are experiencing. They need to understand that having a disease is not ugly.

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Today, I need to thank my brothers, nephews, parents, my husband’s sister, my other daughter, my husband. Our family is very close and this support was important during Ana’s life – both for her and for me – and now, in her loss.

I chose to talk about this subject when I can and with anyone who is interested, because I know the importance and difference it can make in someone’s life. What happened is part of life and I will not be ashamed, as someone suggested to me on social media, to talk about suicide, mental illness and the taboo on these topics. If a person can have an external injury, why can’t they have an internal one? And if she has one, why can’t she treat it and live a fuller life?”

If you or someone close to you needs help, call 188, the number for the Life Appreciation Center. CVV promotes emotional support and suicide prevention with complete confidentiality. Services are free, by phone, email and chat, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

*Statement given to Isabella D’Ercole