The hearts of children who have emotionally immature parents

Being the child of emotionally immature parents leaves deep marks. So much so that they are many children who end up assuming adult responsibilities and who grow up before their time forced by that parental incompetence, by that fragile, careless and negligent bond that blurs childhoods and destroys self-esteem.

No one can choose their parents, we know that, and although there always comes a time when as adults we have the full right to choose the type of treatment we want to establish with them, a child cannot do so. Because being born is almost like falling from a chimney. There are those who are lucky enough to be reached by wonderful, skilled and competent parents who will allow them to grow up in a safe, mature and dignified way.

On the other hand, there are those who have the misfortune of landing in the arms of immature parents who will ruthlessly determine the foundations of their personalities. However, Experts in child psychology and family dynamics know that in these cases two very striking and decisive things can happen.

Parents with a clearly immature and incompetent personality can sometimes favor the raising of tyrannical and equally immature children. However, they can also encourage children themselves to assume the role of that adult that parents have shied away from playing. That is how some children end up taking responsibility for their younger siblings, taking care of household chores or making decisions that are not appropriate for their age.

This last fact, as curious as it may seem to us, will not make that child braver, more mature or more responsible in a way that we could understand as healthy. What is achieved above all is giving the world creatures who have lost their childhood. We suggest you reflect on it.

Emotionally immature parents, truncated childhoods

Something we all agree on is that Having children does not make us real parents. Motherhood, as the healthiest and most meaningful parenthood, is demonstrated by being present, facilitating real, enriching and strong affection so that that child is part of life and not a broken heart linked only to fear, lack and loss. self-esteem.

Something that every child needs, beyond simple food and clothing, is that emotional accessibility, mature and safe where you feel connected to people to understand the world and in turn, understand yourself. If this fails, everything falls apart. The child’s own emotions are invalidated by the emotionally immature father or by that mother who, concerned only with herself, neglects the feelings and emotional needs of the children.

On the other hand, it should be said that these types of dynamics are more complex than they appear at first glance. So much so that It is convenient to differentiate 4 types of emotionally immature fathers and mothers.

Parental immaturity

The first typology refers to those fathers and mothers with erratic and unequal behavior. They are very emotionally unstable parents, those who make promises today and break them tomorrow. Parents who are very present today and tomorrow make their children feel like they are a nuisance.

Impulsive parents, on the other hand, are those who act without thinking.who undertake plans without evaluating the consequences, who go from error to error and from recklessness to recklessness without weighing their actions.Passive motherhood and fatherhood is undoubtedly one of the clearest examples of immaturity. They are those who do not get involved, those who are present but absent and those who base their upbringing on “laissez faire”.Lastly, it is also common the figure of derogatory parents, those who make their children feel that they are annoying or unwantedthose who understand parenting as something that surpasses them and in which they do not want to be a part.

These four profiles sculpt, through disappointment, a truncated, wounded and invalidated childhood. Every child who grows up in this context will experience clear feelings of abandonment, loneliness, frustration and anger..

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Children who act as adults: wounds to heal

We pointed it out at the beginning: The child who has grown up assuming an adult role does not always perceive himself as stronger, more mature, or even happier.. Leaving on the shoulders of a child of 8, 10 or even 15 years the exclusive responsibility of taking care of himself, a younger sibling or making decisions that his parents should undertake, leaves an imprint and potentially constitutes the root of many shortcomings.

The psychological consequences that usually prevail in these cases are as varied as they are complex.: emotional loneliness, self-demand, inability to establish solid relationships, feelings of guilt, emotional containment, repression of anger, anxiety, irrational thoughts…

Overcoming these wounds due to a lost childhood and immature parents is not an easy task, but it does not make it impossible. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is quite useful, as is acceptance of the existence of that wound caused by abandonment or neglect. Later, the much-needed reconciliation with ourselves will come, where we can allow ourselves to feel anger and frustration over a stolen childhood where we were forced to grow up too quickly or left alone too soon.

We lost our childhood, but Life opens before us wonderful, free and always desirable to allow us to be what we always wanted and that we undoubtedly deserve. Let’s ensure that the emotional immaturity of our parents does not prevent us from building the present and future happiness that we did not achieve in the past.

To be or not to be

To be or not to be, this is the question. Being parents is a responsibility. A great responsibility. We live in a society in which we allow ourselves to be carried away by social inertia. Study, work, have a partner, get married, have children, continue working… Many couples have children because it is expected.. Because society imposes on them that at a certain age they have to have children.

The biological factor also comes into play. “I’m going to miss the rice”, we hear many times. And this puts even more pressure on those indecisive couples. “If I don’t have it now, I won’t ever have it.”, and they have it. Other couples don’t wait to have it in extremisbut they want to have it because they are convinced that it is the next step in their lives, and they have it.

Having children is an important decision. So you should not take it motivated by haste, nor by “have to have“. But if you have a child it is to raise him, give him affection, attention, love, education…

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