Distrust in the relationship

Distrust in a relationship is like a disease . It begins, many times, imperceptibly. But it soon spreads and becomes invasive. Distrust is precisely one of those factors that, if not addressed and healed in time, manages to deteriorate the bond and bring it to its minimum expression, destroying it.

There is an important idea around the concept: trust is learned, so is distrust. It’s not about a feeling let it be born wild, but rather it is the fruit of a more or less conscious attention, which is born from experience. Thus, we all come to a relationship with a baggage that explains, at least in part, our level of trust in each other.

In normal cases, mistrust in a relationship arises because one or both members have shown themselves to the other as an insecure pillar, which can crumble at the most unexpected moment. Of course for this look of suspicion There are slightly more neurotic cases, in which even without any reason they already distrust.

Thus, regardless of the situation and its precipitants, this is a serious issue that needs to be addressed and resolved.

What is distrust in a couple?

Every relationship is built on mostly tacit agreements and commitments. In this sense, they make future plans that involve both of them and act so that these plans are fulfilled.

For it, It is important that both of you are honest about what you want and consider your partner in the decisions you make.. Of course, without completely giving up one’s own individuality.

In other words, in a relationship we must not forget that the happiness and well-being of the other person depends greatly on our actions and, vice versa.

However, in many relationships, The circumstances lend themselves to one member of the couple, or both, suspecting that the other is not in tune with their own desires, or that the other simply no longer wants to stay in the relationship. In these cases, we talk about distrust in the couple, which represents one of the most common causes of breakup.

Manifestations of mistrust in the relationship

When there is distrust in the couple, it is common for the person who distrusts to show the following signs:

Fear of being abandoned.Anxiety and uncertainty regarding the future of both.Control of the couple’s behavior (for example, prohibiting you from going out with your friends, checking your phone without your consent, or threatening you for certain behaviors)Feel jealous frequently and for relatively insignificant situations. Constantly argue with your partner.Sudden mood changes. In this case, the person goes from being calm to being worried; or from being happy to being sad or irritated. All of this happens abruptly and suddenly, as a consequence of unwanted behavior on the part of the couple.Infidelity. In this case, one or both parties could seek that feeling of security in another person.

In the long run, if these manifestations are not attacked in time, they end up eroding the quality of the relationship until reaching a point of no return.

The reasons for mistrust in the relationship

Distrust in a relationship has many causes. The most common thing is that it is born after an episode of infidelity. However, that is not the only reason for it to take shape. Any action that defrauds others sows the seed of that harmful condition.

The main reasons are:

Discovering that the other is someone who lies repeatedly.The frustrated promises, when they promise and do not fulfill. When it is perceived that the other does not know themselves enough. He likes one thing and then abandons it. He doesn’t know what he wants.When the other shows difficulties in facing the consequences of his actions, is elusive or irresponsible.

Also, of course, There are many cases in which distrust comes from motivations without a real basis. These are the cases in which there is a predisposition to distrust. The main reasons for this to happen are:

Self insecurity. You feel that one is not good enough for the other. Having suffered experiences of betrayal and not having processed them.Coming from a home where some let others down and bonds of distrust prevailed.Having betrayed someone and unconsciously projecting a need for punishment thus. “The thief judges by his condition.” Excessive dependence and fear of abandonment. Prejudices towards men or women.

What to do when there is distrust in a couple?: 5 tips

If mistrust is ruining your relationship, we advise you to do the following.

1. Check yourself

Once mistrust is established in a relationship, it is not easy to make it disappear. However, it is not impossible. What it does require is a lot of work, perseverance and good will to achieve it. It is worth it, in any case, because the existence of love, in the form of the embers of complicity, is always a good reason.

First of all, it is best to evaluate the reasons why there is mistrust in the relationship. Particularly, It is necessary to know if this obeys objective reasons or rather comes from a neurotic matrix..

Also It is important to review the expectations you have of others. Every human being fails, so when you wait for it to be perfect so you can trust it, you are really wasting your time. Trust is not born when the other does not fail. Rather, it has to do with the certainty that if he fails, he does not do so deliberately or in bad faith.

2. Avoid idealizing

For a large number of people, not idealizing your partner is almost impossible. Especially at the beginning of relationships. When we idealize we attribute qualities in the other person that do not have to be true.

We tend to ignore what we like less, excessively highlight the positive and add qualities that we want to see in the partner. However, When their behavior does not match what we expect, we think that they are failing us and mistrust can begin..

“It’s different”, “it has changed”, “I no longer know my partner”… these are phrases that we can hear with some frequency. Many people do not accept that we all change. With the passage of time we are not the same and If we have been with our partner for many years, the most normal thing is that we are different when we start the relationship.. For this reason, it is advisable not to idealize or cling to those idealizations or to the impression of the first months or moments.

Distrust in the relationship can begin when we see the other person differently: “Will he/she leave me?”, “Will he/she be with someone?” We all change and no one belongs to us.

We have to accept the other person as they are, with their changes. The beautiful thing is to evolve, to develop. Accept that our partner changes. Experience is a degree and experiencing changes together can greatly enrich the relationship instead of harming it.

3. Find a balance

The next step is analyze to what extent we owe an apology to our partneras well as to what extent she owes it to us.

In this case, It is likely that both have harmed the other and given reasons for mistrustr. Therefore, the ideal is that both do their part to repair the bond.

Of course, we do not deny the possibility that only one of the parties has harmed the other. However, at first, try to adopt a detached and neutral perspective to determine if this is the case for you. Since it will always be easier to assume the position of victim.

4. Dialogue with your partner

Dialogue is always the ideal solution to resolve problems of mistrust in a relationship.. It is paradoxical because to dialogue you need to trust. However, it is the only real way to reach either understanding or the conviction that it is a bond that no longer has options to continue.

Dialogue means explaining calmly and with a dose of affection the reasons that lead us to distrust. The key is not to focus on others, but on ourselves. Dialogue is not to point the finger at the other’s actions, but to tell him how it makes us feel when he does or says, or does not do or does not say, certain things. Help him understand the origin of our suffering.

Dialogue is also listening. No precautions. Without automatically reacting to anything. Taking the time to digest what the other person says, without judging them or qualifying their words. When there is love, dialogue strengthens the relationship and helps find the direction to follow. If dialogue is impossible and mistrust persists, it is time to think about looking to other horizons.

5. Demonstrate the couple’s commitment

After the dialogue It is essential to move from words to actions, especially in this context where trust has been damaged. Therefore, it is vital that as a couple you establish clear objectives and demonstrate your renewed commitment to the relationship.

Likewise, try not to limit yourself to the fulfillment of a specific action, but in the incorporating daily habits that can strengthen the bond and trust. For example, defining the tasks of the hour and completing them on time; spend more time together; be more honest with future plans, etc.

To conclude, we emphasize that trust in a couple is something that can be built if both are committed to doing so. However, if they perceive that they have already tried everything and there have been no changes in the dynamics of the relationship, They can opt for couples therapy. In this case, the professional will give them the necessary tools to repair the damage caused.

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