The gray stone metaphor for dealing with narcissists

Throughout our existence, we will encounter different types of personalities and some of them are difficult and problematic. We will deal with some better and others worse. It is even possible that in certain cases we have no other option than to establish distance and break more than one bond, more than one relationship that brought excessive torment and disappointment.

Now, what to do in those cases where it is not possible for us to get away from these adverse figures? This is one of the biggest challenges we can encounter; Whether it is a man, a woman, our boss or even our mother, we are talking about presences that are not easy to push away. This forces us in many cases to enable ourselves in new strategies for coping and managing the hostility of others.. Because if there is one aspect that we must understand, it is that these profiles do not usually change their attitude and behavior. It is we who must vary our treatment with them to safeguard mental health.

Below we explain a very basic resource that can serve as a first aid kit.

The last thing we should do with a narcissist is confront him.

What is the metaphor of the gray stone?

We all have narcissistic behaviors, but only a few show a personality disorder included in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)). That is, sometimes, we can fall into the abuse of this label.

Not everyone who undermines our spirit with their selfishness will show a significant clinical condition. However, People with narcissistic personality disorder exist and are on a spectrum. That is, there will be profiles that are more problematic than others. This can make us find ourselves as complex people, but not threatening. Also with narcissists who are very successful in their careers, but who on a personal level show behaviors that are as harmful as they are dysfunctional.

We are faced with a range of profiles that can materialize in a co-worker, in our sister, our boss or in that professor who teaches our thesis, etc. They can suddenly come into our lives, disrupt it, put it in check and we may have to develop, one way or another, some daily salvation strategy.. The one with which we stay afloat in those contexts in which interaction is mandatory. The gray stone metaphor is a great tool.

1. The gray stone or the force of neutrality

The gray stone metaphor Its objective is to keep us strong in indifference, without at any time reinforcing the needs of the narcissist.. To get a quick idea, let’s think about what comes to mind when we imagine a simple gray pebble on a road or at the bottom of a river. It is one more element that goes unnoticed.

Narcissists need “supplies” from the environment around them. That is, they want our attention, create drama, conflicts and be the center of every circumstance. Us What we will do is be that neutral and resistant surface in which they cannot be reflected; Thus, they will not be able to use us either, since we will act as validators.

2. “Hitting” the narcissistic sense of entitlement

A characteristic that defines every narcissist is the sense of entitlement, that is, they think that everyone “owes them something.” This perception is a bias that originated in their childhood, either due to an upbringing full of excessive attention or perhaps the opposite, due to great deficiencies. It is common for them to grow up with the idea that the role of others is to serve them, to give them privileges in any aspect.

Research from the University of Wollongong, Australia, highlights what it means to live with someone who needs others to reinforce that desire for “greatness.” The metaphor of the gray stone proposes us to act (hit) their sense of right in very subtle, but effective ways.

We will treat them like everyone else, denying them any concessions or demands that would put them above the rest.We will respectfully tell them that we are sorry to disappoint them by not meeting their demandsbut that will always be our position.We will firmly mark our limits, but we must keep in mind that a narcissist will always try to get around them. To do this, let’s remain indifferent to their criticism, their mockery and their manipulations to maintain those barriers of containment. Demonstrating that their presence and their words mean nothing to us is a way of hitting their sense of entitlement. Let’s stay with these people brief and assertive interactions.

3. Coldness and non-reaction, the rock that remains firm

One strategy we must remember at all times is not to antagonize the narcissist. Because doing so also gives them power. After all, these types of adverse figures feed on both the admiration of others and confrontation.

The moment we confront and react with anger, we show them that they have influence over us. The metaphor of the gray stone conveys the image of a cold, firm and solid surface.

The most appropriate thing is not to react, to remain cold to their actions so that they lose interest in us.. Sooner or later they will look for another victim to take advantage of.

With narcissists it is best to keep interactions brief and respectful.

The importance of withdrawing attention

The gray rock technique aims to divert narcissistic behavior elsewhere by withdrawing our attention from it. It is showing him that we are not an interesting target for him, that he will not be able to obtain the reinforcements he needs from us. Does this mean that we will achieve 100% success with this tool? The obvious answer is no.

The narcissistic personality is unpredictable, chaotic and demanding. They are sometimes very pathological profiles in the face of which it is difficult to have the best armor on hand for our protection. The proposal described here can act as a starting point, like an everyday lifeline.

However, If that presence crosses unethical and moral lines, let us not hesitate, let us opt for more drastic responses such as a forced distance. Sometimes, our mental health is more important than maintaining a job or a bond with a family member…

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