The game of self-confidence

To all We are concerned, to a greater or lesser extent, with the level of confidence we have in ourselves. and that is why we engage in intense struggles to improve it. When we don’t succeed, we tend to think that the problem is ours: we have failed at something or maybe we are not that good. What if we had fallen into a trap?

Russ Harris, English psychotherapist, states that Lack of self-confidence is not a question of personal defects, but of not knowing the rules of the game of confidence, either because we never thought about it or because even though we have, society has given us the wrong rules to play it.

Even though some of these flawed rules may have worked for us for a while, chances are they didn’t really give us what we were looking for. So, How to play properly?

Why do we want trust?

Why do you need to trust yourself? Think about it before continuing.

The answer is simple: we want trust because we want to make changes to improve our lives, whether to achieve our dreams and goals or to have better results in a certain area. Therefore, we do not just want trust, but we want it for something, as Harris states.

The importance of values ​​and personal goals

The previous question provides us with the goals and values ​​that help us define the fundamental aspects related to those doses of confidence that we so desire.

On the one hand, values ​​define how we want to actunder what principles we want to live and what personal qualities and character traits we want to cultivate and, on the other hand, Goals define what we want to achieve, achieve or possess. While goals are finite, that is, they have an end when they are achieved, values ​​are always ongoing. Now, what relationship do they have with trust?

Values ​​inspire us, motivate us and keep us on the journey of developing trust. Somehow, living according to them gives us satisfaction, even when we cannot achieve our goals and objectives.

Knowing what values ​​we want to incorporate into our lives and what goals we want to achieve will help us define more precisely the changes we need to make to shape our first steps on our path to confidence.

The trust gap

There is a place where we can get stuck when we are heading towards achieving our dreams, that is. the one where fear appears to tell us that if we do not have enough confidence, we will not be able to achieve our goalsperform at your best or act as we wish.

It may surprise us, since this message is usually sent in society, but the truth is that The more we hold on to this belief, the further we move away from the kind of life we ​​want. Because do we really think that the feeling of trust will come to meet us? Is it possible that we suddenly have greater confidence to start doing what is really important to us?

The answer is no, at least in the long term. Perhaps through some exercise, reading a book or talking with a friend we will feel more encouraged, but it won’t take long for these to fade. If we want to do something with confidence, we have to work for it and for it we need to practice over and over again the appropriate skills that allow us to achieve this.

So, Every time we practice, we will be performing an act of trust, to lean on ourselves, to bet on ourselves. And only after a lot of practice, a lot of time and effort, will we achieve the expected results and will begin to perceive the feeling of confidence. In summary, as Russ Harris expresses: “Acts of trust come first; feelings of trust come later“.

Now, although it is very easy to say, it is not so simple in real life, mostly because We have a mind that doesn’t like change, so it will try to sabotage us. through our thoughts in any way.

“I have no time“, “I am tired and unmotivated“, “Next week I’ll do it…” and a long etc. These are the typical excuses that he will make. These are mental traps that are relatively easy to fall into if we are afraid of getting confused, we do not believe we are good enough or we move forward slowly, totally normal beliefs.

Why do we lack confidence?

Although each and every one of us experiences confidence in certain aspects, there are a series of reasons that prevent us from having it in others according to Harris. They are the following:

Expectations too high and related to the idea of ​​being perfect.Judge us with great severity. A totally normal aspect in human beings: we have a certain tendency to criticize ourselves, tell ourselves negative stories about the future, feel dissatisfied or resort to past experiences in which we did not come out well.Great concern for fear. Who doesn’t experience fear at some point? The problem is not experiencing it, but holding on tightly to the fear and living through it.Lack of experience. We cannot feel confident in something if we have little experience about it, but this does not mean that we cannot develop it.Lack of skills. Unless we are really good at something, it is impossible to feel confident doing it.

These psychological barriers prevent the development of self-confidence as long as we stay trapped in them and think that there are no ways to destroy them or look for alternatives.

The cycle of trust

Now that we know why we need to trust, what the trust gap consists of and the reasons why we lack that feeling of security, it is important to know how we can do things better. To do this, we will use Russ Harris’ trust cycle, which is made up of four steps or phases:

Practice the skills. What comes to say, practice makes perfect. Of course, to do this we will have to face those psychological barriers that our mind will set in motion.Apply them effectively. It will not be enough to practice, but we will also have to be skilled in the application of our skills. To do this, we will have to be brave and leave our comfort zone towards real life and the challenges it offers us. A very helpful resource is to practice mindfulness, that is, connecting with the present, with what we are doing.Evaluate the results. Once the skills have been applied, it is necessary to assess what their results were, what worked and what didn’t, and what can be done differently. To do this, it is essential not to judge or reproach ourselves harshly, but to do it from an attitude of learning and not from the demand of perfectionism.Introduce the necessary changes. This last step has to do with continuing to do what is working and changing what is not working.

The trust cycle may seem ambiguous and overly complex, however It is something that we have already done or are doing and not once, but many times. We just have to think about what we are confident in and that we do naturally today.

Reading, cooking, driving, painting, dancing, speaking in public, solving mathematical calculations, riding a bicycle, writing, organizing… All of these are examples of skills that at first we did not know how to do but that with practice, time and effort. we have managed to do. Of course, some people will be more skilled at some than others, the important thing is to be aware that we do not have zero confidence levels.

How to win in the trust game?

So, What are the proper rules to emerge victorious in the trust game? According to the doctor and psychotherapist Russ Harris they are the following:

Acts of trust come first; feelings of trust come later.Authentic trust is not based on the absence of fear, but on relating to this emotion in a different way. That is to say, a person with self-confidence is not that he is not afraid, but that despite this he continues forward because he has learned to get the best out of his relationship with him.Negative thoughts are normal. We do not have to fight against them, but rather defuse with them, that is, know that they are just beliefs, learn to distance ourselves from them and understand that they do not completely define us.Self-acceptance is the triumph of self-esteem. Accepting ourselves is key to improving our levels of confidence. We must affirm values ​​gently, but pursue them firmly.True success is living according to our values, instead of living according to our goals.You have to be passionate about the process and not obsess over the results because we may get too frustrated.Failure hurts, but it can be a great teacher if we are willing to learn from our mistakes.The key to performing at your best is full involvement with the homework.

As we see, developing greater confidence can be very different from what we thought, but it is possible to achieve it. We just have to maintain a flexible, proactive and highly practiced attitude.

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