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Scene 1: a 2-year-old girl throws a tantrum when eating and throws a potato chip on the floor. Scene 2: The same child causes a disturbance at a children’s party when the mother announces that they must leave. Perhaps these situations would be seen as something embarrassing, but common, if they had happened in Brazil or in the United States. But in France, the American journalist Pamela Druckerman, mother of the enfant terrible in question, felt the contempt of her Parisian neighbors. She realized, then, that French children do not throw food on the floor – the title of the book she wrote about the French way of educating, released in England and the United States, already a bestseller.
Living for ten years in Paris with her British husband and three young children (a girl and a set of twins), Pamela was amazed to see French children eating Provençal tomatoes without even getting dirty – and without interrupting the adults -, unlike her daughter, who constantly demanded attention, making light of the food. A former reporter for The Wall Street Journal, she decided to investigate the origins of this civilized behavior, which is in the way French mothers raise their children. The secret? They don’t live according to them or treat children like little kings. They do not tolerate tantrums, do not negotiate or spend the weekend accompanying the little ones in playgrounds or children’s parties. In short, they educate, but manage to maintain adult life without turning their world into a playground. “To be a different kind of mother, you need a different view of what a child really is,” she decrees, right off the bat.
The carapuça, in most cases, is suitable for Brazilian mothers, since education here is guided more by the American one than by the European one, as observed by the educational psychologist Ceres Alves de Araújo, from PUC in São Paulo. “French women know how to say no, period”, says Ceres, who lived in Paris and saw how “children are treated like children” there. For the psychopedagogue, the difference is that in American culture, parents get lost in long, unnecessary explanations for their young children. “Until the age of 5, the child does not even understand so many arguments. Just say no,” she advises. If there is a rebuttal, Ceres suggests the response: “Because I’m your mother and I know what’s best.” It is in adolescence, when it would be appropriate to extend the conversation, that many parents, exhausted, opt for “no period”. “These are inverted behaviors. The child needs to be obedient in childhood to become a disobedient being in adolescence.”
full menu
Food, a crucial topic for most mothers on the planet, is one of the issues that Pamela Druckerman focuses on. According to the author, French women value fixed times for meals, always at the table, starting with a salad and ending with cheese. Children eat a shortened version of the adult menu and are encouraged to sample everything. There is no creating a different menu or the possibility of preparing another dish because that day there is nothing that the little one appreciates. Food, in France, does not involve emotional play. “The parents calmly prepare meals with fresh ingredients. Children learn to respect food,” says Frenchwoman Eileen Leazeau, an executive secretary who has lived in the United States for 21 years and is the mother of three adults.
sleep and politeness
Time to go to bed is another drama treated with French wisdom. While in the United States (and here!) parents spend months without sleep to attend to the baby in the middle of the night, the French wait up to ten minutes to be sure that the child is really unhappy. They allow themselves to believe that the little one may just be mumbling or dreaming. Or that he will soon go back to sleep. “Parents who take turns in their child’s room create poor conditioning,” Ceres believes.
In many ways, the French expect more from a child, even if that child is just a child. This means that little ones should not only say “please” and “thank you” but also bonjour and au revoir to adults. They must still learn to wait, either in the name of domestic peace or to avoid social embarrassment. Parents, there, are committed to fighting the chaos created by the children’s world and preserving paternal “rights”. Ceres approves. “Here, we live in the era of ‘filiarship’, in which children reign”, she criticizes. Teaching children to deal with frustration is the maximum rule of French Children Don’t Throw Food, still without a date for publication in Brazil. In the French approach, parents set a “frame” of boundaries. The image suggests setting rules, but with a certain freedom within them. With the framework defined, the needs of adults remain at least on the same level as those of children. Raising children is just part of the plan, not a life project.
At a certain point, everything seems to work too well to be true. “Perhaps Pamela is too assertive,” says Ceres. But, as the book is narrated with humor and a certain irony, the author redeems herself from possible slips and sends a liberating message to those who still see their children throwing french fries: “Even good mothers may not live at the constant service of children, and there is no reason to blame yourself for that”, teaches Pamela.
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