The feeling of deservingness: beneficial or harmful?

What perception do you have about yourself? What expectations do you have regarding your life? Do you consider yourself worthy of success, well-being and healthy relationships? Do you feel like you are an extraordinary person? All of these issues are related to deservingness, a concept that has been studied from different perspectives due to the implications it has on people’s daily lives.

Since we are little we begin to develop the first notions regarding self-deserving. Through interaction with the environment and the messages received from the most significant adults, we learn to feel more or less worthy and valuable.

Some parents, overprotective or excessively permissive, educate their children to believe that they are the center and all their expectations must be met. Others, however, excessively condition the value of their children based on their achievements; for example, offering rewards and punishments based on behavior or academic performance. All of these experiences shape our understanding of the world and have repercussions for the future.

The dark side of desert

Some authors define desert as the personal belief about getting something for nothing or the feeling of being worthy of certain privileges. In this way, high-deserving people would expect to receive favorable treatment and would expect their expectations to be met immediately.

This conception of being special and different and feeling more entitled than other people is one of the traits of narcissistic personality disorder; but it also seems to be a common quality in the so-called millennial generation. Due to the social and cultural conditions in which they have grown up, these people They can be convinced that they deserve everything they want without taking into consideration the effort naturally necessary to achieve it.

This attitude can cause difficulties on several levels:

During the training stage, Responsibility for poor academic performance shifts to teachers and institutions instead of being assumed by the student. In the workplace, High and unfounded expectations can lead to quickly leaving a job by not obtaining the expected benefit or recognition.This intolerance of frustration can cause discomfort and lead to interpersonal conflicts.by adopting an attitude of superiority, selfishness or lack of empathy.

Deservingness is necessary

However, seen from another perspective, deservingness is necessary for psychological and emotional well-being. It could be understood as the feeling of personal worth and dignity regardless of achievements, failures or qualities. Subjecting desert to external factors can have negative consequences, for example:

Feeling that self-worth depends on body image can contribute to the appearance of eating disorders. Likewise, the lack of deserving can lead to accepting and maintaining unhealthy relationships. If a person does not consider himself worthy of love and respect, he may end up justifying aggression and mistreatment. Furthermore, some research has found that undeservingness can inhibit efforts to achieve positive outcomes and pleasant moods. That is, feeling unworthy significantly reduces the motivation to improve negative internal states, especially in people with low self-esteem.

Strike a balance

In short, the consequences of desert are very different depending on the definition adopted. Finally, one of the keys to enjoying personal well-being and enriching interpersonal relationships is finding balance. It is important to have unconditional self-love that allows us to make mistakes and accept ourselves with them.; But, in the same way, we must take responsibility for our actions.

Considering ourselves worthy and deserving of good results does not mean ignoring the work required to achieve them, nor does it mean belittling the path of other people. Respect for ourselves and for others is not at odds, but is complementary, and feeling valuable does not mean detracting from others.

On the other hand, Although optimism is a good life attitude, it should not lead to holding unrealistic and inflexible expectations.. And, although we can hope that the future of events will smile upon us, we cannot expect that these will always happen without work on our part.

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