The fear of being hurt: a barrier to love

Sometimes, We have had such a bad time in a previous relationship that our only goal is to avoid going through the same thing. There have been so many disappointments, so much pain that drowned us, that we are terrified of experiencing it again. The problem is that we are so afraid of being hurt, so afraid of suffering, that in an attempt to keep ourselves safe we ​​may also put ourselves in danger.

It’s true, If any of us were asked if we want to suffer, we would answer no without hesitation. The point is that even if we make that decision, circumstances do not always happen as we expect, since suffering is a common experience in our lives. In fact, each of us has the imprint of our wounds and scars in our own history. A trace that, in some way, conditions our entire universe.

In the case of relationships, it is very common for ghosts from the past to make an appearance; Above all, if after a breakup, the wounds were not healed and that stage was not concluded; If instead of putting a full stop, it was the ellipsis that won the game.

In this way, the past influences the present as an alarm signal and Any signal detected by our mind as threatening or dangerous sets the entire organism in motion..

The problem is that, sometimes, it also gets confused and, although its ultimate goal is to protect us, it paralyzes us. It imposes barriers to our right to love and be loved. -sometimes almost insurmountable-, to confuse ourselves and learn from it. That is, it prevents us from continuing because of the fear of being hurt…

The chains of fear of being hurt

Nobody wants suffering in their life, which is why we all in some way try to escape from it, deceive it or, at least, avoid it. We may even hide it in the basement of our minds sometimes. We are terrified of suffering, of experiencing that heartbreaking pain that tears us to pieces, that reminds us that we are vulnerable, especially in love.

So, When we are afraid of being hurt, most of the time, we fear suffering for giving ourselves over, for trusting, for giving all of ourselves to another person and for them not to value us as we expect, reject us or even abandon us. We are afraid of getting confused again. For this reason, we tend to give ourselves halfway, with the lock placed on our hearts and with armor that shields our vulnerabilities.

The problem is that loving is a risky exercise and it is completely normal for fear to accompany love on many levels. The question is how far we decide and from where fear begins to do so; that is, when we give Him the power to govern our lives and our relationships.

Because if we trust fear, If we become victims of our own fears, it is very likely that our relationship will deteriorate. or even that it ends, if we do nothing to manage it, if we do not express it to the other.

For fear of saying what we feel, for fear of expressing that we are afraid, for fear of what they will think of us, we remain silent. We silence our worries and we give way to a spiral of negative beliefs that lead to great discomfort, the one that we carry on our backs and colors our universe. The one that makes us apathetic and distrustful, that sends signals to our partner of discontent or that is camouflaged through insecurities, jealousy and conflicts.

In matters of love, When we are afraid of being hurt, we become colder. And although it is only a protection mechanism, it also acts as a distancing barrier. Hence, freeing ourselves from that fear is essential so that the bond with the other is healthy and we stop experiencing it as a threat.

Because Although at some point they have hurt us, it does not mean that it will always happen. And neither do we have to completely change our way of acting.

Suffering is inevitable: how to overcome the fear of suffering

The fear of suffering in a relationship causes certain mechanisms to be set in motion. that prevent us from deepening the bond with the other person, connecting deeply with our feelings and showing ourselves as we are. The problem is that, most of the time, they act unconsciously, under a protection mandate led by self-deception.

However, It is possible to let go, little by little, of the fear of being hurt. To do this, it is necessary to work with oneself, investigate beliefs, past experiences and how we value ourselves. Taking into account the following aspects can be of great help:

It is important reflect on what we are afraid of beyond the fear of being hurt. Fear is an emotion that tells us that there is a threat or danger to us, something that has been configured throughout our history. In this case, he points out that we are afraid of suffering, of having a bad time or of being abandoned. And although it may seem easy to recognize, being aware of it is not so easy. Hence It is recommended to investigate it, to see where it comes from and what effect it has on our present. What are the beliefs and feelings that it activates in us.Suffering is inevitable. Sooner or later, suffering appears. The important thing is the attitude we take to face it. Because although its effects on us are complex, negative and unpleasant, it also has a mission: forcing us to stop, to turn off our energies, so that, little by little, we understand what is happening to us.Managing emotions stops impulses and helps us get to know each other. An emotion is an indicator of how we feel, a signal with information about us. Now, it is important to experience them instead of repressing them, but also not to get carried away impulsively by them. Therefore, The best thing is to ask ourselves what that emotion tells us and what purpose it serves us. If we take it seriously, we will discover what we are like. For example, jealousy is often a warning of insecurity and low self-esteem.Expressing how we feel destroys walls and barriers in the relationship with the other. Talking about our worries and fears guides the other about how we are and, in some way, makes it easier for them to understand us. Otherwise, we may confuse him about what our feelings are and the worst of all is that he will act accordingly. For example, he may begin to distance himself because he thinks we need space and we may interpret this as something negative, deciding to move away as well. And what at one time was a simple concern, little by little, has led to a cooling of the relationship due to lack of communication.To love you have to take risks, in addition to living with the possibility of losing. Loving involves daring, bravely deciding to show our feelings and trusting another person. Is investing time, effort and emotions in creating a bond that we are not sure will last, but that, despite this uncertainty, we consider it to be worth it. We must close cycles and put full stops. Saying goodbye to the past is key to abandoning the fear of being hurt. Healing wounds and drawing lessons from what we have experienced that help us grow is essential. If we don’t, the ghosts of the past will continually appear and remind us that we are not valid, that they will hurt us again and that we are doomed to failure. No two people are the same and judging a relationship based on the previous one is a very unfair measure. for the other, for ourselves and for the relationship itself.Love yourself responsibly It is a good protection measure. Loving oneself is the support from which to build a healthy relationship with ourselves and with others. The one in which even if fear appears, we will be able to defeat it, to know that it is simply a warning, but that it is not always right. Because The best protection measure is to love yourself.Acceptance and empathy They are a good combination. Acceptance is closely linked to self-love when it has to do with oneself; but when it is focused on another it is the support to value it as it is, without additions of any kind. As well as empathy. Both skills are necessary in a relationship; two very powerful weapons that, in addition to creating healthy bonds, weaken fears.

As we see, Overcoming the fear of being hurt is a process in which personal work is the backbone. Because although it is totally understandable to experience it, the important thing is not to get carried away by it, since the fear of suffering usually incapacitates us and generates more fear and love is a very beautiful feeling to let it escape and prevent it from coming into our lives.

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