The consequences of emotional invalidation

How do you feel sharing with those around you the emotions that have the most weight in your emotional state? Adventures that will make you feel understood or misunderstood? In the second case, it is likely that you are being a victim of emotional invalidation. A phenomenon that we have all fallen into at some point and that has very harmful consequences.

Validating an emotion, both in first and third person, consists of giving it space, allowing it to be, recognize that its presence makes sense within the framework of current circumstances and that it fulfills a valuable function.

From this perspective we should relate to everything we feel. And we should receive that same respect and acceptance from those with whom we share our feelings. However, very often this does not happen and others urge us to repress, hide or change our emotions.

What is emotional invalidation?

Emotional invalidation occurs when someone minimizes or belittles their own or another person’s emotions.; For the invalidator, these emotions are incomprehensible, unfounded or worthy of very little consideration, since they derive from a problem of minimal, improbable or easily resolved consequences. An assessment that makes empathy impossible and makes it very difficult to provide any type of effective emotional help.

It is very common for it to happen when we express negative emotions. Many people have difficulty dealing with the discomfort of others, it makes them uncomfortable, it overwhelms them and they don’t know what to do with it, so they choose to invalidate it.. However, it can also occur when faced with positive emotions; We see it clearly in adults who reprimand children for openly showing their enthusiasm.

Some of the phrases that best illustrate this emotional invalidation are the following:

“Are you worried about that?”, “that’s not a big deal” or “that’s why we don’t cry.” “You have to be strong.” “That’s it, nothing has happened.” “I’ve experienced worse things.” Don’t dwell on it, be more positive.” “You’re dramatic and exaggerated” or “you’re just looking to get attention.” “Don’t be sad anymore, go out and have fun.”

Almost all of us have uttered these phrases at some point without intending to hurt others, simply because we don’t know what else to say. For example, when a child falls and we tell him “that’s it, nothing happened”, we try to prevent him from crying, when the truth is that something has happened: he has fallen and probably hurt himself or is scared. Even if our intention is good, by treating the situation in this way we are not taking the best path.

Continued emotional invalidation leads to self-doubt.

The consequences of emotional invalidation

The greatest impact occurs when we suffer emotional invalidation in childhood., from parents and main caregivers. However, subsequent relationships (friendships, partners, romances…) can also deeply harm us when they invalidate us. For the victim, the main consequences of invalidation would be:

Not learning to regulate your emotions

Nobody is born knowing how to manage their own moods; It is a skill that we acquire as we mature and, above all, thanks to the example and guidance of adults. Who grows up with parents who constantly invalidate what they feel He does not learn how to welcome, feel, express and regulate these emotional states.

Therefore, it is easier for you to feel overwhelmed and have inappropriate reactions. It has also been found that emotional invalidation perceived in childhood is related to borderline personality disorder.

Constantly doubting yourself

Emotions are a natural compass; They tell us how to move based on what we feel. For example, they allow us to identify what we like and what scares us, what hurts us or what motivates us. However, When they invalidate us, they lead us to disconnect from those emotions and their message.

They make us believe that what we feel is always wrong or inadequate. Therefore, we cannot take it as a guide. Thus, we end up not knowing who we are or what we want, because we constantly doubt ourselves.

Experiencing shame when connecting with others

All human beings need attention and emotional connection with other people. But when they invalidate us, they make us feel ridiculed for having that need to share. We feel that having emotions and expressing them, and Wishing that the other would accompany us in our feelings is something to be ashamed of.

So, we may tend to withdraw and to hide our internal states; something that will make it very difficult to create healthy and deep relationships.

Having trouble developing empathy

If we have received this treatment since childhood, we may have difficulty developing empathy, since we have not received it. It is common that These people who have been invalidated end up doing the same to others, Well, it is the answer they have learned.

Deprivation of important learning

All emotions fulfill a function and give us learning. For example, anger urges us to defend ourselves, sadness to take care of ourselves, and fear to be cautious. These signals are essential for us to function on a daily basis; but, if we have disconnected from our feelings, we will not know how to react appropriately in different contexts and we will be more exposed to making mistakes with ourselves and with others.

For the same reason, it is likely that it is very difficult for us to make decisions and we tend to think excessively. Since we do not allow ourselves to pay attention to what our sensations say.

Relationships become conflictive

Finally, the consequences not only affect the person who is invalidated, but also the person who exercises this action. And no one likes to feel alone, misunderstood or ridiculed by others. Thus, it is common that others end up distancing themselves or generating strong resentment towards those who are not able to empathize, connect and welcome their emotions when they express them.

Lack of understanding and resentment in relationships often stem from experiences of emotional invalidation.

Move away from emotional invalidation to improve your well-being and relationships

When we have grown up in a healthy family environment, with respectful upbringing, it is very easy for us to detect when we are being invalidated and set limits. However, when that is the normality with which we grew up, it can be difficult for us to detect how it is affecting us.

So, Reflect on your connections and try to identify if you are receiving (and offering) empathy, respect and validation. If not, it is time to implement some changes in this regard. Doing so will not only improve your mood and confidence, but your relationships will also become more nourishing and satisfying.

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