The chaos of those who take over the problems of others

There are some people who have the characteristic of absorbing the problems of others. They are those who, when playing “hot potato”, burn their hands and end up making it their own. Without consciously proposing it, sorbents are natural mediators.

They seek to reconcile, they listen to those who need, they contain and encourage… They are like the lifeguards of the systems. The problem with this is not that they want to be there and “reach out,” but rather that they take on other people’s problems and burdens for themselves and end up overinvolved, and with a monstrous load of stress.

The absorbents in the systems and their counterpart

In human systems, each and every one of us develops certain functions. Furthermore, there are always complementary pairs.

As we have been commenting, absorbents are those that They are always willing to listen to other people’s problems.. They are like open channels that are always willing to attend to the environment.

The counterpart of the absorbers are those people who tend not to take responsibility for their own problems. and they put them up for adoption; or because they do not have the capacity for immediate resolution, or because they are not pragmatic and tend to go around and around, or are indecisive or not very skilled.

Under these circumstances, absorbents jump into the ring and, showing off their function, They adopt someone else’s problem and take it as their own. This, without realizing that those who sought help or advice had already separated themselves from the problem as such.

Then the absorber takes charge of the other’s problem (without even being asked), taking it into possession and separating the other from the responsibility that implies assuming the problem and its solution.

Absorbents thoroughly

Their attitude consists of absorbing information and emotions from the environment, but without being very aware of it. For this reason, they exert a great power of attraction between people and They are highly emotional and sensitive to the situations in their environment. Many of them put their environment first and relegate themselves, which is why they tend to be devalued.

They are alert to what happens to others, they are very observant and reactive towards their environment and They seek, although not consciously, affection and recognition for their actions. They are hyper-responsible, that is, too responsible since they carry other responsibilities that do not concern them.

In addition, Absorbers are very creative people, ingenious in finding solutions and extremely empathetic. and intuitive, aspects that make them be in the moment and place to help others. But as we indicated before, the problem with this is that they assume as their own problems and burdens that are not theirs.

The desire to help others, plus their impressive empathy, makes them emotional mediators and conciliators, skilled in negotiating conflicts with a Samaritan position… Therefore, we are not talking about a professional and strategic negotiator.

Sponges, highly sensitive people (HSPs) and overly empathic people

To a certain extent, this personality characteristic has some common peculiarities to what is called sponge people. These are highly sensitive, they have a natural capacity to process everything they perceive in their environment, as if their senses were permanently alert and sharpened.

Precisely, the concept of highly sensitive people (HSP) was proposed 20 years ago by therapist Elain Aron to describe these traits in which greater perceptual and cognitive sensitivity to environmental stimuli stood out. They are people who are subject to all the details of the people and situations of the context in which they interact.

They have a reflective and thoughtful attitude about life situations and naturally tend to investigate others, just like psychologists of spontaneity, given that they are very intuitive. They can detect subtleties in the environment that many other people miss. But to this characteristic, typical of sponges, is added the attitude that: if there is a problem, the absorbent adopts it to solve it.

There are those who need to talk and catharsis about what is happening to them and that relaxes and calms them… and there will be the sponges and absorbent pads, ready to assist them with their ability to listen and the will to resolve (and carry themselves on their shoulders). the problem.

If the absorbers are comfortably air-conditioned on a hot 40-degree day in the shade and someone asks them to accompany them to a procedure in the city center, they are absolutely capable of dropping everything and attending. That’s how they are, always in the ring in favor of the solution. NO is not in your vocabulary.

In general, mainly sponges, function as fuses for human circuits. There are many opportunities that take the place of scapegoats and concentrate all the tension in a system.

In children, sponge boys, in addition to all these characteristics, their way of absorbing and taking charge leads to symptomatization, that is, their attitude of denunciation about the dysfunctions of the family system is shown through symptoms.

The empathy of absorbers: a vicious circle

If empathy is understood as the ability to put oneself in the place of another, absorbers have more than enough: They spontaneously feel the desire to help and fix the problems and difficulties of people who believe they need them. This attitude is systematized in her personality, which makes her non-selective about who she approaches. For this reason, they can often find themselves in the hands of manipulators or people who directly love them and can harm them.

For this reason, a sponge person can be overinvolved in situations and find themselves in the middle of triangulations, alliances and coalitions, intrigues and gossip, in which there are no limits or measure of intimacy.

Absorbers, who are also very empathetic, consciously try to resolve the situation: they operate as mediators, they talk to each other, they become anguished and filled with anxiety, even though the problem that concerns them. They find themselves in the middle of a mess that is difficult to get out of, although they are not aware of how they got in.

The negative effects of being absorbent

This attitude of always being willing to help the environment, although it can help the absorbers to obtain momentary recognition, causes some negative effects.

For example, they are permanently overstimulated. Thus, they become burdened with stress, responsibilities that do not correspond to them, and a hypervigilant attitude that fills them with anxiety. In general, they carry the weight of a mind that is more cognitively active than normal, They overexert themselves and become satellites of their environment.

By satelizing themselves, they put others first and do not value themselves. Their esteem is placed on the other’s recognition of them. Furthermore, being naturally in the eye of the storm, absorbers find themselves in the middle of controversial situations because they absorb the voltage of the circuits, They do not set limits and also assign themselves the obligation and responsibility for the solution..

It is good business for the system to have a free mediator, but bad business for the absorber, who often gets hurt, as in fact happens with scapegoats in the systems.

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