When children do not accept the parents’ new partner

If we think of the word “stepmother” – or stepfather, failing that – the figure of the evil one in the Cinderella story surely comes to mind. Perhaps this is the reason (among others), why in some cases it is so important for us to accept our parents’ new partner.

The image of a stepmother is linked to stereotypical and, above all, negative connotations., included in many of the stories that were read or told to us when we were little. Thus, the new figure that in childhood can be seen as something strange within the safe limits of the home becomes, in many cases, a questioning of the ideal of romantic love in adolescence, with everything that this period entails.

There is no doubt that entering the home or family of someone who is foreign or whom we do not know can be a potential source of conflict, mainly if we believe that they have arrived to replace the love of a parent after their death, divorce or abandonment.

Rejection of stepmother or stepfather, depending on age

The first reaction of children when seeing their father or mother’s partner is rejection. In some cases it will be more noticeable than in others, but that is usually the predominant emotion when learning about the situation or at the “official presentation” of the couple at home. Although it is true that once the child has already made a home composition and has lived with her parents before the break-up situation has occurred, it will be more complicated for him to accept you.

In our collective imagination we identify the stepmother or stepfather with someone evil, that wants to distance us from our father or mother and that is why we should hate and not trust them with anything. We cannot only blame the Disney stories, however, for a child of about 5 or 6 years old that is the identification that he handles with respect to new couples.

If the children are teenagers, adaptation can be even more difficult than in childhood, since, as we have said before, the creation of new values ​​is pushed by reality itself, in some way imposed. However, fortunately this is not always the case and Children believe in an increasingly diverse environment and with more variability in family models so that what they have to experience now has already happened with some of their friends or colleagues.

Even so, remember that at this stage there are many changes in the body and personality.Therefore, the suffering can be very noticeable. It can be difficult for them to understand how the father or mother wants to rebuild their life with another person, even if many years have passed since the parents divorced or one of them died.

Attention, non-acceptance of stepparents does not end with the passage of puberty, but can continue into youth. But, perhaps in those cases the motivation is different. Once the teenager has understood that his parents make mistakes and that they still deserve to be admired and loved, the problem may be jealousy or the distribution of shared time.

The good news on this occasion is that adults have more capacity to analyze things mentally and not emotionally and understand that the parents’ decision, if it is for their own good, must be celebrated and accepted.

How can I get the children to accept me as a stepmother or stepfather?

First of all, you have to know how to place yourself in the situation and understand that you are not there to take anyone’s place, even if the child’s parent has died. So, defining the role or role in the family is very importantto make you respect and treat others as they deserve.

It is necessary, in turn, to be realistic about the situation. If you have met a person who has children, it is up to you to accept or not continue with them. Take the steps when you are ready, you don’t have to take that path if it is not the time. This is where your emotional intelligence comes into play.

Be as flexible as possible and try to understand the situation. In short, you are the new one in the house or family. Try to be positive, be in a good mood, accept when the child does not want to talk to you or the teenager starts screaming when he sees you. Time is the best remedy in these circumstances. If you are with the person you love, you will be able to overcome any difficulty, including their children seeing you as the evil one in the stories.

On the other hand, keep in mind that the problem is not personal, but with the situation. Put yourself in your children’s shoes and think about how you would feel if your father or mother brought a new partner home. At the same time, avoid all types of situations that may give rise to confusion and misunderstandings. Make it clear, however, what your role is based on what you discussed with your partner.

Communicate effectively with your partner’s children, do your best to get to know them a little but without suffocating them or invading their spaces, recognize that there will be more enjoyable moments and others where things will not be so easy or will go more smoothly. Learn to handle situations and do not forget that it is a path of short steps, in which each progress you can consider as a true achievement.