“The best thing we can do is give our children unconditional love”

Author of the just-released book How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of Stanford University, noted in a decade in office that, each year, freshmen were brighter but less able to take care of themselves. Those responsible for it, in turn, became more and more meddlesome. “Giving children freedom means tolerating a little uncertainty in exchange for teaching them the skills they need to be competent and confident,” says she, who got the idea for the book when, after a day of helping anxious parents and young initiative, he surprised himself by cutting the steak for his son, then 10 years old – who, of course, was already able to do it himself. Could it be that the eagerness to protect children, are we creating dependent adults for the future, without initiative and incapable of dealing with frustrations? See what the professional thinks about it.

Are overprotective parents all the same?

Not. And in the book I focus on three of the most common behaviors: overprotection, of those who believe that the world is scary, unsafe and unpredictable and that, therefore, it is necessary to avoid all the bad things, instead of preparing children to face it ; the intrusiveness of parents who believe they know what’s best; and that in the form of problem solving, of those who do a lot on behalf of their children. At Stanford, I saw young adults who were so driven that they ended up feeling forced to choose a certain college course based on their family’s expectations. I also accompanied others who seemed content to have someone do everything for them, including school activities, and take on tasks like keeping an eye on homework deadlines, requesting information from the office, and even challenging test results. I wondered if those students would ever be able to become adults.

What advice would you give to mothers trying to compensate for overwork with overprotection?

We all want our children to be successful and happy. To help them do this, we must focus on developing their character and values. While parents are concerned with filling their offspring’s time with piano, dance and language lessons, paradoxically, they seem not to have much interest in their feelings, desires and experiences. This leads children to feel that they are only worthwhile as human beings when they meet expectations. So here’s my advice: the best thing we can do is offer our children unconditional love, which means showing them that they are loved because they exist, not because of a grade or achievement. And we need to teach more and more skills as they mature. We go away one day and it is important to make sure that they can do the basic tasks of life on their own, from waking up, dressing and feeding themselves to taking responsibility for their belongings, chores and deadlines, working, running a household and having relationships healthy. They don’t magically acquire the skills and confidence to be adults – childhood is supposed to teach them the things they need to know to be adults one day.

What are the effects of excessive parental interference?

Studies show that children raised by parents who do everything for them are more likely to experience anxiety and depression. To develop a healthy sense of self, you must see that your efforts lead to results. Therefore, even when they act with good intentions, parents who plan, decide, help and solve problems for their children deprive them of the opportunity to develop this sense of self.

How can parents identify that they are overprotecting their offspring?

Watch your language. Saying “we” or “our school work” is a sign that you are relating to your child in an unhealthy way. Pay attention to your interactions with other adults in his life, like teachers and soccer coaches. Arguing with them is another worrying sign. Do you live in fear? Are you so concerned about your child’s whereabouts or well-being that you keep in constant contact with him or her? Or are you so obsessed with education that you feel he won’t succeed if he isn’t always at the top of his class? These attitudes can make a child or young adult feel invaded and teach them to simply react and respond to you instead of learning how to behave responsibly in the world. Think about what you were allowed to do in your childhood (like playing outside) that you don’t allow your child to do. Yes, times have changed, but children still have to learn for themselves, whether it’s preparing a simple meal, shopping in a store, or getting around town. Ask yourself how you can give more freedom each year. That means putting up with a little uncertainty in exchange for teaching your child the skills she needs to be competent and confident.

* The book will be released in Brazil by Rocco in the first half of 2016