The 5 Stages of Grief – How the Process Can Help Us Heal

Estimated reading time: 13 minutes

If you or a loved one is dealing with a loss, it can be helpful to learn more about the grieving process. Here we share the 5 stages of grief, along with some ways to help someone who is grieving after a death or breakup.

It is important to remember that the grieving process can be complex and is not the same for everyone. These steps may not be followed exactly, or other feelings may arise after you thought you were going through the stages of grief. Giving yourself the space to experience the pain in your own way can help you heal after the loss.

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The 5 stages of grief

The 5 stages of grief is a theory developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. It suggests that we go through five distinct stages after the loss of a loved one. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance.

Denial

In the first stage of the grieving process, denial helps us to minimize the crushing pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain. It can be hard to believe that we’ve lost an important person in our lives, especially when we’ve just spoken to them the week before or even the day before.

During this stage of grief, our reality has completely changed. It can take time for our minds to adjust to our new reality. We reflect on the experiences we share with the person we lost, and we can ask ourselves how to move forward in life without that person.

There’s a lot of information to process. Denial tries to slow this process down and take us one step at a time, rather than risking the potential of feeling overwhelmed by our emotions.

Denial is not just an attempt to pretend the loss doesn’t exist. It’s trying to absorb and understand what’s going on.

Rage

The second stage of grief is anger. We are trying to adjust to a new reality and are probably experiencing extreme emotional discomfort. There is so much to process that anger can feel like an emotional outlet.

Keep in mind that anger doesn’t require us to be vulnerable. However, it may seem more socially acceptable than admitting that we are afraid. Anger allows us to express emotions with less fear of judgment or rejection.

Anger also tends to be the first thing we feel when we start to release emotions related to loss. This can leave us isolated in our experience. It can also cause us to be perceived as unreachable by others at times when we could benefit from comfort, connection, and security.

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Bargain

When dealing with grief, it is not uncommon to feel so desperate that you are willing to do anything to alleviate or minimize the pain. During this stage of grief, you may try to bargain to change the situation, agreeing to do something in exchange for being relieved of the pain you feel.

When bargaining starts to take place, we often direct our requests to a higher power, or something greater than ourselves, that may influence a different outcome. Negotiation during the grieving process can come in the form of a variety of promises, including:

• “God, if You heal this person, I will change my life.”
• “I promise to be better if the Lord lets this person live.”
• “I will never be angry again if the Lord can keep you from dying or leave me.”

There is a keen awareness of our humanity at this stage of grief; when we realize that there is nothing we can do to influence change or create a better end result.

Bargaining comes from a feeling of helplessness and gives us a sense of control over something that seems out of control. During negotiation, we tend to focus on our personal failures or regrets. We can look back on our interactions with the person we are losing and notice all the times we felt disconnected or we may have caused them pain.

We often remember times when we may have said things we didn’t mean and wish we could go back and behave differently. We also sometimes make the drastic assumption that if things had turned out differently, we wouldn’t be in an emotionally painful place in our lives.

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Depression

During our experience of processing grief, there comes a time when our imaginations calm down and we slowly begin to look at the reality of our current situation. Trading no longer seems like an option and we are faced with what is happening.

In this grieving phase, we begin to feel the loss of our loved one more abundantly. Our panic begins to subside, the emotional fog begins to dissipate, and the loss feels more present and inevitable.

In these moments, we tend to withdraw as the sadness grows. We may find ourselves retreating, being less sociable, and reaching out to others less about what we are going through. While this is a very natural stage in the grieving process, dealing with depression after the loss of a loved one can be common.

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Acceptance

The last of the 5 stages of grief is acceptance. When we come to a place of acceptance, it’s not that we no longer feel the pain of loss. Instead, we are no longer resisting the reality of our situation and we are not fighting to make it different.

Sadness and regret may still be present at this stage. But the emotional survival tactics of denial, bargaining, and anger are less likely to be present during this phase of the grieving process.

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How long do the 5 stages of grief last?

There is no specific time frame for any of these steps. One person may experience the stages quickly, such as in a matter of weeks, while another person may take months or even years to go through the stages of grief. Any time it takes you to go through these stages is perfectly natural.

As we consider the 5 stages of grief, it is important to note that people grieve differently. So, you may or may not go through each of these stages or experience them in order. The lines of the stages of the grieving process are often blurred. We can also move from one stage to another and possibly come back again before we move fully to a new stage.

Your grief is unique to you, your relationship with the person you lost is unique, and emotional processing is different for each person. Take your time and remove any expectations of how you should behave as you work through the grieving process.

Additional grieving process templates

While the 5 Stages of Grief developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is considered one of the most easily recognizable models of grief, there are other models to consider as well. Each seeks to explain how grief can be perceived and processed.

These models can provide greater understanding to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. They can also be used by healthcare professionals, helping them to provide effective care for bereaved people seeking guidance.

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four stages of grief

Legendary psychologist John Bowlby focused his work on researching emotional attachment between parents and children. From his perspective, early attachment experiences with important people in our lives, such as caregivers, help shape our sense of security and connections.

British psychiatrist Colin Murray Parkes developed a model of grief based on Bowlby’s attachment theory, suggesting that there are four stages of grief in experiencing the loss of a loved one:

• Shock and numbness: loss at this stage seems impossible to accept. More closely related to the Kübler-Ross stage of denial, we become overwhelmed when trying to deal with our emotions. Colin suggests that there is also physical suffering at this stage, which can lead to somatic or physical symptoms.
• Yearning and seeking: As we process the loss in this grieving phase, we may begin to seek comfort to fill the void our loved one has left. We can do this by reliving memories through photos and looking for signs of the person to feel connected to them. At this stage, we are very worried about the person we have lost.
• Despair and disorganization: We may question ourselves and feel angry at this stage. The realization that our loved one is not returning feels real, and we may have a hard time understanding or finding hope in our future. We may feel a little aimless during this part of the grieving process and withdraw from others as we process our grief.
• Reorganization and recovery: At this stage, we feel more hopeful that our hearts and minds can be restored. As with the Kübler-Ross acceptance phase, the sadness or longing for our loved one does not go away. However, we move towards healing and reconnect with others for support, finding small ways to re-establish some normalcy in our daily lives.

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7 stage grief model

Some suggest that there are seven stages of grief, rather than just four or five. This more complex model of the grieving process involves experiencing:

• Shock and denial. Whether a loss occurs suddenly or with some advance warning, it is possible to experience a shock. You feel emotionally numb and may even deny the loss.
• Pain and guilt. During this stage of grief, the pain of loss begins to set in. You may also feel guilty about needing family and friends more during this emotional time.
• Anger and bargaining. You can attack the people you love or be angry with yourself. Or you can try to “make a bargain” with a higher power, asking for the loss to be taken back in exchange for something on your part.
• Depression and loneliness. As you reflect on your loss, you may begin to feel depressed or lonely. It is at this stage of grief that you begin to truly realize the reality of your loss.
• The back up. You begin to adjust to your new life and the intensity of the pain you feel over the loss…