The 5 most common types of marital quarrels and how to avoid them

No relationship is a “sea of ​​roses” and those who date or are already married know that well! Every now and then a small argument arises, for the most varied subjects, and can even trigger a bigger fight. And this occurs regardless of how long the woman and man have been together, as much as they love each other and consciously don’t want, in any way, to get into a fight with each other!

According to Ceci Akatmatusu, energy therapist at Personare and author of the book “For Love to Happen”, the difficulty of communication and problems with self-esteem are the biggest challenges, not only for couples, but for any relationship. “Between two people who have a more intimate relationship, these challenges are even more evident,” she says. Therefore, they can be considered the main causes of fights between couples.

It is difficult to generalize, since each couple has its particularities, but, leaving aside the personal stories, the relationship time of each one, among other points, there are some conflicting issues that generate discussions between most couples. Below you can see what they are, as well as tips on how to prevent topics from turning into a big fight:

1. Fights out of jealousy

Some argue that a hint of jealousy can spice up the relationship. Many people still believe that scenes of jealousy are nothing more than demonstrations of love… However, what is the limit for that? How healthy is it to want to know everything about your partner’s life? At what point does the concern with his attitudes become obsessive, harming the relationship?

The truth is that there is a fine line between jealousy and possession, which leads many couples to argue frequently, for various reasons: he does not approve of the clothes worn by his girlfriend; she asks who the calls her boyfriend received on his cell phone are from; one wants to access the other’s social networks in order to see that “there is nothing suspicious” etc.

Yes, most people agree that a “jealousy” is even good for the relationship, it’s a sign of affection, care. But when the man or woman starts to want to control the other’s life too much, thinking they have the right to do so, the situation complicates and the relationship tends to get more and more difficult.

Ceci Akatmatusu points out that the best way to deal with jealousy is to take care of your own self-esteem. “When he starts to harm the couple and the relationship too much, the ideal is to seek therapeutic help. An exercise for those who feel jealous is to try to bring the frame of reference back to themselves, every time their head starts to think about the other, to decide how they are going to act in terms of the other. It is important to reflect on whether it is worth continuing in this way,” he explains.

“Another option for those who feel a lot of jealousy is to seek activities that help to strengthen self-esteem, which does not only mean taking care of physical beauty, but also refers to emotional, mental and spiritual care”, adds the therapist.

2. Fights over each other’s friendships

It is not uncommon for women to complain about their boyfriend’s friends, and not for men who are bothered by the attitudes of some of their girlfriend’s friends…

Phrases like “your friends are idiots and they keep asking you out every day”, “your friends don’t like me and do everything to make us stay away”, “you’d rather go out with them than be with me”, “ you pay more attention to them than to me”, among other accusations, are common among some couples and generate constant fights between them.

But, how to solve the problem? The main guideline is to respect the opinion of the other! Instead of criticizing the behavior and attitudes of a friend of your boyfriend, for example, try to think about the good reasons that made the two of you great friends. Reflect once, twice, even three times before starting a discussion about it. Remember that you have your friends too, and you probably wouldn’t want to hear your partner badmouth them all the time.

It is necessary to keep in mind that the person you are dating or married to, before being “the boyfriend” or “the husband”, is someone who needs to have their individuality respected, who has their own opinions, tastes and freedom to choose the type of friendship you like to have/preserve.

And the converse is true: you must also have your individuality, maintain friendships with people who are important to you and try to dialogue in the best possible way, without fighting, in case your partner insists on talking badly about your friends.

3. Fights over money

A survey carried out by psychologist and professor at the University of Michigan (USA), Terri Orbuch, and released in 2012, pointed to money as the main reason for conflicts between couples. The professional followed 373 newlyweds (in the first year of marriage), collecting information over 25 years. In the study, 49% of divorced people said they fought a lot with their partners because of different economic profiles and lies about spending.

It is a fact that, from the moment that two people choose to live together (getting married or, simply, starting to live in the same house), matters such as “expenses”, “possible savings”, “sharing of expenses”, among others, are talked about frequently. The secret for these topics not to become a real discussion is to maintain a good dialogue, where men and women have their turn to speak and also take a moment to stop and listen to each other.

But it is true that arguments over money can start when the man and woman are still a couple. This is because each person thinks in a different way: some consider it important to save money and always keep a little money for “the future”; others argue that the money should be used for travel, tours, personal desires…

And so, when two people spend a lot of time together (as is the case with boyfriends), matters like this certainly come up, often causing disagreements.

But regardless of whether they are married or just dating, it is essential that couples know how to dialogue in a civilized way, are willing to listen and even “negotiate”, so that decisions involving money are made in the best possible way. And, of course, so that fights of this kind are avoided.

4. Fights for “lack of attention”

“My boyfriend and I don’t have the habit of always arguing, we get along very well, but the few times we fought, I was shocked that he wasn’t paying enough attention to me,” says Talita Fernanda Martins, 27, bank clerk.

Reports like Talita’s are common among some couples. At a certain stage of the relationship (whether dating or marriage), the woman or man may feel uncomfortable with what they consider “lack of attention” on the part of the partner.

Sometimes, the complaint is even baseless and the person receiving this “accusation” feels entitled to defend themselves, which can end up generating an argument and even a more serious fight.

In other cases, the complaint may even make some sense and, it is from this moment on, that the couple should sit down to talk in a civilized way about the matter, preventing it from becoming a real argument.

“I try to avoid fighting with my boyfriend as much as possible, but whenever I feel he’s a little ‘cold’ with me, I’ll talk… I think I have to do this for the good of our relationship. I don’t know how to pretend that I’m not noticing anything. Of course, it’s important for the conversation to take place in a quiet way, without major arguments, but that’s not always possible… I think I have to try harder to do that, even to avoid new fights”, says Talita.

So here’s the tip: it’s very important that you talk to your boyfriend or husband if you think something in your relationship isn’t right. But it is essential that this conversation takes place in a civilized way, without offense, so that everything can, in fact, be resolved in the best possible way.

5. Marriage-related quarrels

Some couples, as soon as they get married or even shortly before that, argue over issues that – in one way or another – are related to the responsibilities and changes that a marriage (or, simply, the fact of living together) entails.

“When we were still engaged and there was an issue about marriages and/or children, my fiancé and I almost always fought… Usually over nonsense. For example: I said that I would like to have a cleaning lady at home after we get married and he disagreed; I wanted to live in an apartment and he preferred a house; among other divergent opinions that we had and that generated good discussions”, says Renata Silva, 33 years old, lawyer.

There are several couples who also confess that, while they were dating, they didn’t have big fights, but from the moment they moved in together, the arguments became much more frequent… But why does this happen? How to prevent constant fights from taking over the marriage?

Ceci Akatmatusu explains that marriage presupposes a deeper commitment. “If people have personal challenges in dealing with commitment, feeling it as something heavy or binding, or something that hurts their identity and self-esteem, for example, marriage creates an environment where those issues are brought up. I usually say that the problem is not the marriage, but the way people face it and experience it”, highlights the therapist.

In this way, if fights are becoming frequent, a good solution is to seek couples therapy that makes the man and woman reflect on their thoughts, their attitudes, so that, together, they can make an effort to ensure that the relationship continues. healthier and happier.

How to “escape” from the main fights that occur between a couple?

It is worth emphasizing that no couple is the same. But, in general, most of the conflicts mentioned above – also considered in a generalized way – can be avoided if there is a good dialogue between man and woman.

The therapist Ceci points out that fighting too much, in fact, is not healthy, but the absence of fights can be as harmful as excess. “Running away from fights is not always a positive thing, as it usually just means postponing and increasing the negative quality of what needs to be faced. Fights show us that there is something to be harmonized in the relationship, just as a pain in the body shows that there is something that needs to be healed. Sometimes it’s the ‘quarrelsome’ attitude itself that needs to be worked on,” she says.

Ceci Akatmatusu considers that fights are healthy and even necessary, as they are part of human relationships experienced today. “However, we don’t need disrespect, aggression, dissimulation, manipulation, rancor, hurt and anything else like that when arguing. Learning to discuss, and even fight, in a constructive way, with the greatest interest in making the relationship work above all, is a great tip for us to relate in a more harmonious way”, she highlights. “To avoid an unnecessary fight, ask yourself: what attitude would best demonstrate my real desire to make the relationship work?”, concludes the therapist.