Selfishness in love: give me everything in exchange for nothing

There are people who do not love us as we deserve. These are by our side for the benefits, to satisfy their desires and fill voids. Selfish loves create havoc and leave a mark. Reacting in time is the only way to get out of this type of relationship whole.

Selfishness in love causes authentic personal catastrophes. There are those who, despite already wearing their full-fledged adult costume, offer themselves to the other through a childish ‘I’ that sees emotional relationships as a vehicle to satisfy their own needs. They are takers looking for givers, they are immature figures who do not understand nor want to understand the language of reciprocity.

Abraham Maslow said that not all selfish behaviors are bad.. Not at least until we understand what motivations guide and define them. Thus, and as an example, the fact of prioritizing ourselves and investing in ourselves from time to time responds to behavior that is not only positive, but also advisable for one’s own self-esteem. Now, on the opposite side, on the darker side, we have unhealthy and harmful selfishness.

Erich Fromm was one of the first authors to talk precisely about selfishness in love. According to the author of the fear to the freedom either The art of Loving, There are those who conceive of relationships as a clearly instrumental scenario oriented towards taking and receiving. They are men and women incapable of seeing beyond their precious personal sphere.

“Egoism is not living how one wants to live, it is asking others to live how one wants to live.”

-Oscar Wilde-

Selfishness in love, the fifth horseman

When the University of Washington psychologist John Gottman stated his famous theory about the ‘four horsemen predicting separation’, he overlooked the dimension of selfishness in love. In his approach he talked about the greatest dangers in a relationship being indifference, defensiveness, criticism and contempt.

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We could say therefore that selfishness could rise as an equally devastating fifth horseman. However, in reality, Dr. Gottman did not include this element as an exclusive predictor of emotional breakups, in a certain way because this dimension already threads each of the dimensions mentioned. The person who criticizes, violates, despises others or avoids responsibilities exudes selfishness and this is more than evident.

Now, as obvious as it may seem, we don’t always see it coming. Because as we well know, there are times when love hurts and hurts because in its beginnings it is usually very blind. Most of us, at some point, have risked everything for someone. We have launched ourselves with all our cavalry for that seemingly perfect and fascinating person only to end up on an emotional precipice. Because The selfish person is secretive and a deceiver in the beginning and it is easy to fall into his spell.

Later, when he has already found his ‘giver’, he takes advantage of him and reveals his true face. He uses emotional blackmail and manipulation to be like that black hole that swallows everything. And not, It does not give back anything it swallows, because the selfish personality has nothing to offer us except shortcomings and disappointments.

Selfish people don’t love because they don’t know how to love themselves.

This phrase may seem contradictory to us, but it is worth reflecting on it for a few seconds: selfishness in love arises as a result of the inability to love oneself. How is it possible? We are so accustomed to taking for granted the idea that selfishness, like narcissism, responds to that personality profile where one only loves oneself, that we do not perceive the hidden reality of this behavior.

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As Erich Fromm pointed out in his book The art of Loving, The selfish person actually hates himself. He lacks self-love, he is someone who is frustrated and so full of needs that he instrumentalizes relationships to get what he needs..

“The selfish individual does not love himself too much, but rather too little; In reality, he hates himself. Such lack of affection and care for himself, which is nothing more than the expression of his lack of productivity, leaves him empty and frustrated. He necessarily feels unhappy and anxiously worried about extracting from life the satisfactions that he prevents himself from obtaining.

-Erich Fromm-

The selfish couple is empty of self-love and demands from others what they lack.

A few years ago, the Department of Psychology at the State University of New York conducted a very revealing study. He compared altruistic behavior with selfishness. Something that became clear is that Altruistic people feel more personally and emotionally fulfilled. They give without expecting to receive any change. They offer their time and resources to others freely because this spontaneous act generates well-being.

Howeverthe selfish person demands from others what he or she does not have. He can (nor does he want to) offer anything to those around him because all he has are shortcomings. She lacks self-esteem, self-love and self-confidence. Hence selfishness in love is little more than a bear trap in which to try to ‘capture’ someone good enough to serve as a devoted donor.

What to do about selfishness in love?

Before giving an answer, It is pertinent to know that two scenarios can arise: when my partner is the selfish one and when I am the selfish one.. In this case, we leave some tips that will help you overcome either of the two scenarios.

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When my partner is the selfish one

First of all, it is important to be aware that nothing changes from one day to the next, especially a trait as marked as selfishness. In this sense, If you want to continue betting on your partner, the ideal is to develop patience. If you are not willing, then perhaps it is best to consider separation.

The psychoanalyst expert in bonds Adriana Martínez states that:

“Whoever suffers from the closeness of these personalities does not have much to do, other than point out these petty attitudes every time they appear.”

In this case, You should talk about it and make them understand that these positions are irreconcilable if they want to stay together..

When I’m the selfish one

This will depend a lot on how much one wants to change. Furthermore, it is important Be aware that, if we do not give in to certain things, in the end we will lose the most important things: ties and affections..

In addition, The best thing is to start working on self-love. This task begins by accepting oneself – including strengths and weaknesses -, working towards our personal goals, celebrating our achievements, beginning to open up to others and giving ourselves the opportunity to share.

As we see, these are behaviors that are as toxic as they are painful in emotional matters. This reminds us, once again, of that capital principle in relationships: loving yourself is key to loving others well. Let us therefore learn to exercise it in a correct and healthy way, because unhealthy selfishness is like ships without a sail: they never lead to a good destination.