Is ignoring feeling the best way to avoid suffering?

If you have seen Disney’s animated film “Frozen”, you surely remember Queen Elsa. A special young woman with powers over ice, who usually loses control of it when she feels anger, sadness, fear or anxiety. One day, after accidentally hurting her sister, Elsa chooses to walk away, to lock herself in her own room. By breaking all ties with the outside world… Elsa simply chooses to stop feeling and leave her emotions aside.

It may catch your attention and you may think that it is unusual for people like this to exist, personalities who choose to stop feeling, to distance themselves from any emotional connection to maintain that apparent coldness with which to not connect with the people around them. But the truth is that they exist, and much more than we think. A reality in which there are especially many people who simply refuse to fall in love so as not to suffer. It is the so-called philophobia.

THE NEED FOR EMOTIONS IN OUR LIFE

We know, people need to feel. We need to suffer, love, be moved, feel tragedy, happiness and even loss. Not only are they events from which it is impossible to protect ourselves, they are part of our experiential learning and shape who we all are today. None of us can take refuge in an ice castle to keep those who love us away, like Queen Elsa did in the Disney story.

In the end, our own distance and reserve cause more pain around us, but for people who simply choose to “stop feeling,” it is not so easy to see.But where does the dimension known as Filiphobia come from? what origin does it have? Experts tell us that the causes can be very varied. But let’s delve into them a little:

– Sometimes the need not to feel has its origin in childhood traumas related to the family or emotional environment. In those early stages in which we establish the usual – and expected – bonds of security, care and affection with our parents, it is possible that these dimensions will never be established. Or even more so, that they are damaged and broken by some painful event. There is no worse trauma than that experienced in childhood and that, in some way, in many cases will determine our affectivity tomorrow. That we manage to establish emotional ties with others.

– Our past relationships also tend to be very determining for many people. Seeing themselves betrayed, deceived… traumatic ruptures that leave their dark substrate in our personality. We stop trusting people and we simply consider that it is preferable not to have a relationship again so as not to suffer.

Another common fact that is happening today and that specialists in relationships tell us, is that these types of relationships called express“, where there are not too many commitments or dependencies. Nor an excessive love. They are relationships where it is preferred to maintain individuality and independence so as not to lose control. To safeguard our independence. It would perhaps be another form of filiphobia to take into account.

THE THERAPY OF ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT

There is a psychological aspect that can be very useful in these cases. Let’s remember Queen Elsa hiding in her ice castle. The more he wanted to control his emotions, the more damage he caused to his sister and his own country. Plunging them into a perpetual winter. Emotional regulation and control as a problem, and not as a solution, is an aspect to take into account. Controlling emotions doesn’t solve anything for us. The problem is further compounded by our emotional anxiety, our fear of pain, of being hurt again.

We must learn to accept what happened and integrate our experiences. Losses, failures, betrayals are dimensions to accept and integrate as personal learning. Not like old furniture to lock ourselves in for life. In this way we end up reliving them every day.

We must establish a commitment with ourselves: the need to accept, overcome, integrate and look to tomorrow, opening new doors and new opportunities.. Relax and live peacefully, getting excited about new projects, new friendships, new relationships that, without a doubt, will be better than the previous ones because we are wiser. Because we know what we want.

After accepting, facing

In a study carried out by the research team of Viñas Poch (2015) in the Spanish adolescent population sheds light on the effects of isolation. According to the authors, “feeling guilty or responsible for problems and difficulties and isolating yourself from others by preventing you from knowing their concerns fosters personal discomfort“. The authors have proven that isolating yourself only increases the feeling of discomfort.

On the other hand, the Viñas Poch team found that “maintain an optimistic and positive outlook in the face of difficulties, practice sportand the personal involvement, work and industriousness they favor a greater well-being personal in adolescents. Seeing the results of this research, the best thing we can do is face and work on what makes us isolate ourselves. In this way, our level of happiness and well-being will increase.

The study was carried out with adolescents, but it can be applied to anyone. So live with a frozen heart is to refuse to live. People are made of emotions, and denying them, hiding them, controlling them… is going against us.

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