See What Experts Teach About Getting Over a Breakup

Sometimes the process can be quick, but it will likely take time for the pain to subside. Sometimes the process can be quick, but it will likely take time for the pain to subside. Here’s how to get over a breakup in 8 steps!

Nothing plunges your self-esteem into a pit of despair like a breakup. Romantic comedy movies and soap operas make us believe that the process is simple: watch a sad movie marathon, put on your coziest pajamas, cry into a cup of ice cream for a few days straight, and poof! Once the montage is over, you are a new you and ready to take on the world.

But in reality, once you hit rock bottom, you can find yourself falling into self-destructive habits — ignoring your friends, neglecting your job, and generally forgetting about self-care. You’ve been told all your life that there are more fish in the sea (just open your dating app of choice and there they are) but why is it so difficult to already cast a new net?

The answer is simple: love is like a drug. “Functional brain scans have shown that love is a form of addiction,” says Eric Esteves Fonseca, PhD and licensed psychologist. “We get used to having a certain substance, and that substance is a person and the relationship in our lives. So during the ‘breakup’ we get desperate and act crazy.”

Also, long-term relationships mean that you’ve shaped your life around the other person. You’ve made commitments as well as future plans, and having to let go of that isn’t as simple as swiping left or right on your phone screen.

But don’t despair: we asked relationship experts for their best advice on How to Get Over a Breakupand there are a number of simple steps you can take – none of which involve a bowl of ice cream.

SEE ALSO: 70 Relationship Ending Phrases to Overcome Suffering

How to get over a breakup in 8 steps

1. Rebuild your self-esteem

If your partner has initiated the breakup, it is perfectly normal to start discriminating your physical appearance and personality traits, questioning what is wrong with you that would cause someone to fall in love.

Instead, reverse this thought pattern. “Focus on what you truly value about yourself and what you brought to the relationship, not the qualities you don’t have.”, advises Camila Mesquita Pessoa. “Write a list and think of traits that speak to your character, emotional strengths, skill sets, and any other quality that has value in a relationship.”

If you’re having trouble coming up with ideas, ask your closest friends and family to list all the reasons they feel lucky to have you in their lives.

SEE ALSO: 101 End-of-Relationship Phrases to Express the Pain of Breakup

2. Discover three new places

“Once a week, find a cafe or restaurant you’ve never been to and invite at least one friend to go with you,” says Mariana Viana, psychotherapist and psychoanalyst, who gives this task to all her clients who are working on healing. of a broken heart. It helps you break your usual routine and get away from the places you always went with your ex-partner.

Bonus: It’s also an opportunity to spend quality time with good friends that you might not have seen as much while you were dating.

SEE ALSO: 50 Relationship Ending Phrases To Express All Your Pain

3. Avoid pursuing another relationship for now

A new relationship offers a quick boost that will make you feel sexy or valuable, temporarily. But once that high wears off, you might feel guilty, according to Noa Ornelas. “Many of my clients express remorse after a breakup because their investment was shallow, while other people put their feelings at risk.

When you make impulsive decisions, like jumping headlong into another relationship, it means you’re trying to find a way to avoid feeling those painful emotions that come with losing someone you love. “Acknowledge the pain and understand that being a responsible person means dealing with it,” says Noa. “Be willing to deal with your pain.”

SEE ALSO: Breakups Don’t Have to be Painful: 10 Ways to End Your Relationship with Love

4. Take a realistic walk through your memories

When your mind eventually wanders and you start remembering all the good times the two of you had, you’re probably forgetting to factor in the bad parts. (You know, the petty fights, lifestyle differences, and pointless arguments that characterize all relationships.)

“Your first thought might be, ‘Oh, that vacation was so perfect.’ Remember how the two of you didn’t speak to each other for 24 hours because you had an argument on the plane until then,” says Jana Baptista. “Remember that you would start each trip so anxious because your partner never made it to the airport on time. In other words, make a point of remembering the negative things, because your mind will only reinforce the positive. Keep the image real.”

Remembering how the whole relationship went can help you look for a new situation that doesn’t have the same disadvantages.

SEE ALSO: When It’s Time to Finally Let Go After a Breakup

5. Write down all your negative qualities

Go ahead, indulge your inner bad child for a minute. “Complete a list of all the ways this person was not good for you,” recommends Isís Serro Inês. “Think of all the annoying qualities he/she possessed, as well as all the compromises you had to make in the relationship.

Keep this list on your phone so you can refer back to it whenever you start to think he or she was perfect. It is natural to idealize both the person and the relationship.” Keeping the qualities that drive you crazy will also help you take off the rose-tinted glasses when looking for a new partner.

SEE ALSO: The Real Reason Breakups Are SO Emotionally Devastating

6. Detox your social media

When you share a lot of mutual friends, unfollowing your ex isn’t enough to clear the timeline of their presence. If you don’t want to be bombarded by his face every time you scroll through your feed, limit your social media usage until the wound heals a little. Of course, that doesn’t mean the urge to peek into his profile will go away completely.

“Think of things you can ‘check’ whenever you have the urge to review your online activity,” suggests Eric. “Check on your friend who is overwhelmed with a new baby or call their parents.” While you’re doing everything you can to create distance, your well-meaning friends might be tempted to pass along any juicy gossip they find. So be proactive and let them know that you’re struggling to move forward and they’d better keep it to themselves.

SEE ALSO: 6 Valuable Lessons to Learn from a Relationship Breakup

7. Let go of the idea of ​​“immediate overcoming”

You know real life doesn’t play out like a romantic comedy, but you might find yourself wishing you had experienced a dramatic breakup, like a “He cheated on me” or “She was secretly in love with her best friend” scenario to move on.

Unfortunately, what tends to happen more often in real life is that two people slowly drift apart and after the breakup one of you is left wondering, why?? It could be that underneath the desperate need to get over it, there is a desire to get back together.

“There is this fantasy that, if you keep asking, you will discover something that will allow you to undo what happened and get back with that person”, says Nuno Melo. It’s healthier (and better for your long-term mental health) to understand and accept that you just weren’t the perfect match for each other.

SEE ALSO: The End of Dating Isn’t the End of the World

8. Focus on things that help you feel fulfilled

So maybe you can’t stand going to that spin class where everyone knows you as half “so-and-so’s boyfriend”, but that doesn’t mean everything you’ve done healthy together has to come out. through the window.

If you both loved a particular fitness class, activity, or hobby, you can still comfort yourself (but maybe switching schedules so you don’t meet your ex at the gym or studio is a good idea).

“I think some people give up activities like going to church or volunteering because it was something they did with their partner,” says Eric. “What you really should be doing is trying out new experiences as well as continuing activities that support your core values. It’s all about balance.”

SEE TOO:
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