“Neither with you, nor without you”: ambivalent insecure attachment

Attachment begins in childhood, a very important stage with great repercussions on adult life.. So much so that many of the problems that an adult can have in their relationships, whether as a couple or friendship, have their origin in this stage. Do we recognize those relationships of “neither with you nor without you”? If so, we are covering up a type of attachment: insecure-ambivalent attachment.

We discover this type of attachment in toxic relationships, such as emotional dependence, in which a series of behaviors are present that affect relationships and also the well-being of people. Identifying it and realizing where it comes from will help us redirect it to enjoy healthier relationships.

Mary Ainsworth’s research

Mary Ainsworth discovered the three types of attachment (secure, anxious-avoidant and insecure-ambivalent) thanks to an investigation in which a group of mothers and their babies participated. The study took place in an unknown environment and some exercises were carried out on various situations such as, for example, the mother leaving her baby alone in a strange room.

Ainsworth discovered that Babies who had a relationship in which an insecure-ambivalent attachment style predominated tried to cling to their mother and prevent her from leaving them.. If they managed to do it with a lot of effort, they would get very angry, kick, scream and cry in an inconsolable way.

What happened when the mother returned? The children sought contact with her again, but a part of them arched their backs a little as if to maintain a certain distance.. That is to say, they were disappointed and, above all, they distrusted and acted with the fear that her mother would abandon them again. In fact, after the situation they experienced, they were very resistant to being calmed down.

The research shed light on those situations in which an attachment figure, usually parents, may leave the family, but later returns home. Also, about cases in which the child grows up in an environment where the parents distance themselves and resume the relationship repeatedly.

In some cases, and If the separation is not done well (with anxiety on the part of the parents), this causes insecurity and fear of abandonment which are the causes of the behaviors that we described before.

Insecure-ambivalent attachment and the couple

Does the desire to continually be with our partner sound familiar to us? “I wish you worked at home”, “I feel so happy when you are by my side”, “what a shame you have to go to that meeting!” We may have intoned these and other phrases without stopping to think about them. For people with an insecure-ambivalent attachment they have a much deeper, real and extreme meaning.

A person with insecure-ambivalent attachment in their adult life wants their partner to always be with them.. But this takes it to such an extreme that, if her partner meets her friends, she will want to be there. They thus become the typical couple that does everything together, as if they were a package. But what happens when there is no choice but to do things separately?

For example, let’s imagine that the person who suffers from insecure-ambivalent attachment is very happy because it is his mother’s birthday and he is going to celebrate it. Her partner calls her to tell her that she has an important meeting, that the boss is unbearable and that she has to stay late. She can’t do anything and that’s how she makes him understand. However, the reaction is unexpected.

The person with this type of attachment feels the same as in his childhood.. A terrible abandonment, the distrust that her partner does not want to spend time with her and that, perhaps, he no longer loves her as much as before. These are all assumptions that, from our point of view, are irrational. However, for this person they are very likely.

Perhaps your cries, your complaints, accompanied by the statement that “you no longer love her like before” will get your partner to make an excuse not to attend the meeting. However, even if the person with this attachment does it, they will appear upset and angry: will try to make the other person feel guilty to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Rejecting and punishing him, but at the same time clinging to his presence. A contradiction present since childhood.

Insecurity in relationships, fear of abandonment and loneliness, emotional dependence, chaining some relationships with others, suffering at the moment of loving are some examples of the consequences that the fact of having developed a personal style can have for a person. insecure-ambivalent attachment.

Sometimes you may believe that you find people who do not deserve you. However, she doesn’t realize that You are repeating patterns of behavior that cause your relationships to end in the same way over and over again.. Furthermore, when this happens the belief that has been carried for so long is confirmed: that everyone wants to abandon it.

Keys to detect insecure-ambivalent attachment

Recognizing the attachment style that predominates in us is extremely important, since this determines the way we relate to others and to ourselves. Therefore, an insecure attachment (whether ambivalent or avoidant) can be a source of much discomfort and conflict.

That said, below we present some indicators typical of people with insecure ambivalent attachment.

Low self-esteem

When parents do not adequately satisfy the child’s emotional needs, it is very likely that the child will begin to develop insecurities about yourself and believe that you are insufficient.

Therefore, in adult life, Your self-esteem depends on how others treat and perceive you.. In fact, these people may allow mistreatment, believing that they do not deserve better.

Ambivalence towards other people

In psychology, Emotional ambivalence refers to the expression of conflicting emotions or feelings.. In this case, ambivalent children develop strategies that allow them to be the center of their parents’ attention (especially out of fear of abandonment). However, once they have achieved their goal, they become resentful and angry towards their caregivers.

This is why children cry inconsolably in the absence of their parents but, once they return and try to console them, the little ones appear distant.

This way of relating usually prevails into adulthood, as we saw in the previous section.

emotional instability

People with this attachment style usually have a poor control of their emotions and frequently blame others for their conflicts and emotional states unpleasant.

These people never learned to handle the anguish of separations and, therefore, unpleasant emotions are usually experienced in an exacerbated way.

Handling

Manipulation is a resource that people with insecure ambivalent attachment usually develop, in order to prevent their loved ones from abandoning them.

In this sense, They will do everything possible to ensure that their partner, friends or family spend as much time as possible with them. They can even isolate the other person from others, so that they only pay attention to them.

toxic relationships

The indicators mentioned so far are the perfect breeding ground for toxic relationships. In this case, people with an ambivalent attachment style get involved in relationships where the jealousy, distrust, control over others, manipulation, dependency, abandonment and abuse.

Likewise, in relationships, the fear of being alone leads them to jump from one relationship to another.

Can attachment style be modified?

Fortunately, yes. The fact that attachment style develops in childhood and carries over into adulthood does not mean that it is impossible to modify or treat it.

Psychotherapy is the best option for the person to acquire a safer relational style. In these cases, the person’s self-esteem is usually strengthened, the fear of abandonment is worked on, and tools are offered so that the person can achieve emotional independence and explore the world with greater security.

Therefore, if you have identified with this style of hitting, the ideal is that you work on it with the help of a mental health professional.

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