Emotional masochism: when you hurt yourself without realizing it

Some say that emotional masochists make excellent patients in therapy because they are very skilled at delving into their own wounds. They are people with an analytical pattern that leads them to harm themselves. There are those who reinforce over and over again behaviors and choices that leave them trapped in the prison of suffering, in the abyss of helplessness…

The most striking thing is that they are not aware of it. Thus, and despite the fact that human beings have an innate instinct to escape from what is harmful and reinforce behaviors that are beneficial, this principle of survival logic is not always fulfilled; there are many who, for example, jump out of a relationship. harmful affective to a more destructive one.

A masochist is someone who refuses to leave situations that threaten their well-being and who is also incapable of treating themselves with kindness and affection.. The impossibility of stopping feeding the dialogue that undervalues ​​or the internal voice that puts walls and barricades around everything is the essence of this behavior.

What is emotional masochism?

Behind emotional masochism is the self-sabotaging personality. Given the evidence that many people apply this psychological filter to their way of life, the question is the following: why do they do it? To answer this question we could turn to the first person who addressed this topic: Sigmund Freud.

From a psychodynamic point of view, that need or tendency to harm oneself lies in one’s own feelings of blame.

“I have a bad evaluation of myself, I feel guilty about something and then I reinforce behaviors that are harmful as a way of redeeming myself.“. This idea – little accepted today – gave rise to masochistic personality disorder or self-destructive personality disorder, which ended up disappearing from psychiatric nosology over time.

We currently understand this behavior a little more and know that it responds to multiple variables. It’s more, Any of us could be living with an inner masochist.. Self-flagellating tendencies can accompany a person since childhood or emerge as a result of a specific problem.

Let’s delve a little deeper into this reality.

How does emotional masochism manifest itself?

Let’s start by looking at a nuance. There are clearly masochistic personalities and figures who at some point show a certain emotional masochism.. The first is more problematic because it responds to a behavioral pattern that manifests itself from an early age.

Let’s look at some features:

When they achieve something good in life they attribute it to luck (external locus of control). Nothing ever seems to be under your control. Tendency to reinforce harmful relationships.Self-critical internal dialogue. Tendency to think that one is not good enough, that no one appreciates one, that one is fallible, weak, clumsy, etc. Emotional masochism lives stuck in yesterday. All your attention is focused on what no longer makes sense, on what has already happened. They are unable to appreciate the opportunities of the present.High tolerance to situations that are negative and exhausting (precarious jobs, selfish friendships…) They find it difficult to finish those projects they start. They abandon any project or goal easily. This feeds the negative view they have of themselves. Tendency to feel guilty when they experience a moment of pleasure or well-being. They think that they don’t deserve it or even more so, that that moment of success or happiness will last very little because something will end up ruining it.

What is the reason for this type of behavior and attitude towards things?

Studies, such as those carried out at McGill University in Montreal in Canada, tell us something interesting about this. There are different types of emotional masochism, we can all show, for example, a somewhat invalidating internal dialogue at times. However, There are personalities who show a clear psychological masochism that has its origins in childhood.

One of the triggers would be the parenting style and education.. Sometimes having clearly narcissistic parents causes children to become trapped in a pattern of behavior that is clearly harmful to themselves. They learn early to live with dysfunctional personalities and this takes a serious psychological toll on them. They become accustomed to unhealthy affections and chronicle a feeling of inferiority fostered by caregivers who drained their self-esteem early. On the other hand, there is another cause that explains this emotional masochism and that many of us can show at a given moment: a depressive disorder. Depression is that state in which the entire psychological fabric remains low and only negative and harmful internal dialogue is fed.

What should I do if I show this type of psychological characteristic?

The complex and challenging thing about the masochistic personality is that it resists asking for help.. That negative mental approach addicted to self-boycott keeps telling itself that there is no point in letting yourself be helped because nothing is going to change. However, it is good that we are clear, being a martyr to suffering does not take us anywhere good, it only encapsulates us in malaise with no way out.

It is important to take ourselves seriously, give space to our needs and an outlet for our anxieties. We all deserve to feel better and emotional masochism is the reflection of a reality that must be addressed. Whether we have always been like this or if this characteristic is a reflection of depression, it is necessary to seek specialized help..

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