“Negging”: when negative compliments are used to flirt

When it comes to flirting, there are those who are a true craftsman to dazzle with respect and make you fall in love with words. Then, there are those people who use the frivolous tactic of destroying the self-esteem of others. It is what is known as negating or insult disguised as flattery. This is a type of manipulative communication that seeks to create insecurity.

Using ambiguous compliments through sarcasm is a common dynamic in relationships. It is not only applied during courtship, but it becomes a very annihilating daily practice. It is a subtle strategy that, although at first it seems innocent, affects the psychological well-being of the victim. We suggest you know more below.

NeggingWhat is it and how is it applied?

One of the most frequent forms of verbal abuse in emotional interactions is negating (blow or negative comment). It consists of expressing a form of praise that, in reality, hides contempt, criticism or an insult. Disguising an offense within a compliment is, in all cases, a type of violent communication with serious consequences.

According to a study published in SSRN Electronic Journal, the practice of backhanded praise is very common. They gather apparent praise by mixing a comparison with a negative standard. For example: “Your speech was very good for a woman.”

They are expressions that you find in any area and generate confusion in the recipient. Since it is important to recognize them, we describe them in two of the most frequent scenarios.

The practice of denial in dating

Whoever uses this dynamic in dating aims to achieve a position of power. The complex thing is that it will not always be easy for you to see this technique because you will be aware of several factors. You don’t know that person yet, you want to like them and the nerves of the moment make it difficult to detect the threads of manipulation. Take note of how it appears:

Flattery that undermines your confidence: The doctorate in this resource seeks to make you feel insecure. To do this, she will tell you phrases like: “Your dress is beautiful, but don’t you think it is something daring for someone like you?”Compliments that hide criticism: This type of flattery confuses and forces you to spend some time thinking about what they just told you. They are sibylline and biting, because they combine something positive intermingled with contempt. Example of this: «I love your shirt. I have seen it on many boys, it must be fashionable.Insidious comments: This practice uses positive non-verbal communication, such as smiles and friendly gestures. But be careful, because soon sharp comments appear that are painful when you analyze them: «With how old you are and how attractive you still are; “I don’t know how you’re still single.”Exaggeration of own achievements: Those who practice this type of communication also exaggerate their own virtues to deny yours and gain power. Furthermore, a publication in the Journal of Aggression, Conflict and Peace Research describes that, with the negatingsome men seek to undermine female self-esteem to gain attractiveness.

The practice of denial in interpersonal relationships

This concept was coined in the 90s by the coach of seduction Erik von Markovik. We were in a time in which the techniques for flirting or maintaining a relationship considered it valid and permissible to undermine the self-esteem of the other. All this to make it more manipulable and obtain a certain control over it.

Something like this, from today’s perspective, seems completely irrational and pathological to us. However, there is one undoubted fact and that is that This practice is still applied and is frequently observed in relationships. These are, on average, the most defining characteristics you can experience:

They compare you with others. They minimize your virtues and your achievements. They deny your emotions and ridicule them. They humiliate you through sarcasm and irony. They do not support your ideas and undervalue your ambitions. They make bad jokes with which to expose you.

How can I identify the negging?

In clinical practice, many patients are seen with fragmented self-esteem and identity due to verbal abuse from their partners. He negating It is an abusive communication technique that is tolerated and to which not everyone reacts. They appear on dates and become chronic during the relationship. See how to identify it:

They use comparatives: The person who makes a habit of comparing you with other figures applies this abusive manipulation technique. Stay alert and do not miss this resource, which, if allowed, is very destructive.Remember what manipulation consists of: The Journal of Personality magazine recalls in an article that degradation is among the main techniques in this area. Putting yourself down and belittling yourself is something that no one deserves or should tolerate.They make you doubt yourself: If after being with that date or if your own partner makes you doubt your worth, your physique, skills and identity, be aware that such a dynamic is a form of abuse. No one can attack your self-concept. Whoever loves you must respect you, validate you and make you feel good.Analyze how you feel: No form of communication is harmless and words can hurt as much as a physical blow. When you talk to that person you’re meeting on a date, consider how their comments make you feel. If they cause confusion and make you uncomfortable, it is necessary to act and set limits.

Strategies to avoid falling into this style of psychological abuse

Denial is an abusive resource with which a person seeks to gain power and control in a relationship. Such a stratagem can be applied to you by any figure, even that attractive woman or man that you just met and with whom you are going to meet.

Not only is it essential to recognize such dynamics, Knowing how to respond will strengthen your self-esteem and keep you safe. Note the following:

Detect the signs: When you become aware of this type of harmful communication, don’t let it go. It doesn’t matter how much you are attracted to that person or how you feel about them. If you don’t act, that behavior will escalate much further.Set clear boundaries: To anyone who uses unpleasant language with the intention of undermining your self-concept, immediately express firmly that you do not accept that type of behavior and that you will distance yourself if it is repeated. Demand changes.Be assertive and react quickly: The ideal is not to miss a single comment that has the purpose of denying you and undermining your self-esteem. To do this, let them know that you don’t like those words and they make you feel bad. Ask that they not be repeated again.Trust your intuition: It seems silly but it is not. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable in a relationship or you suspect they are manipulating you, trust your intuition. This dimension serves one purpose and that is to give you quick information based on all your past experiences. That voice will tell you if something is not right.Strengthen your self-esteem: Keep in mind that this psychological construct is not stable and can weaken during your interactions with others. Work on it, boost your confidence. The more secure you feel in who you are and your own values, the less vulnerable you will be to attempts at manipulation.

To flirt and live together, always require respectful communication

When you have a date, always activate your internal alarms and remember something very basic. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, open communication, trust and empathy. If you are in a situation where the negatingassess whether it is worth starting a relationship with that person or if the ideal is to walk away before dessert.

On the other hand, and no less important, if you live with a partner who constantly executes this dynamic, ask yourself how you feel. You are facing a practice that completely undermines self-esteem and emotional well-being. In these cases, it will be very helpful to have a specialized professional to address the reality in which you live. You deserve to feel good.

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