Living with an alexithymic partner: relational coldness

Alexithymic people also fall in love, but they don’t know how to love. Hence, in this type of emotional relationships there is coldness, loneliness and that emotional void where words, looks and the most basic emotional nutrients are missing.

Living with an alexithymic partner can cause great suffering, since in these emotional ties empathy is usually the great absence. Likewise, it is common for one of the members to miss that genuine connection in which feelings are validated, from which to build authentic intimacy through the words that nourish and those complicit gestures where emotions dance.

Loneliness, uncertainty, incomprehension… These and other feelings are what those people who share life with an alexithymic experience. However, We cannot leave aside the reality of those who suffer from this psychological condition. which many define as a neurological disorder and others as a psychological disorder with social conditions.

Be that as it may, there is one undoubtable fact: The alexithymic loves, falls in love, feels, has feelings, is happy, gets excited and suffers just like any other person. However, and therein lies the real problem, they are incapable of expressing what they feel and, in turn, they do not understand the emotional codes of those around them.

If socially this fact brings more than one limitation, on an emotional level alexithymia is highly problematic. What’s more, as a study carried out at the University of Missouri-Columbia by Dr. Nestor Fry-Cox reveals, alexithymia could be behind a good part of breakups between couples.

To this information we must add another one, and that is that It is estimated that almost 10% of the population could suffer from this emotional communication deficit.being especially common among the male gender.

The word alexithymia comes from Greek and means, etymologically, ‘absence of words to express emotions or feelings’.

What is it like to live with an alexithymic partner?

Living with an alexithymic partner is exhausting in every way. It is, first of all, because often none of the members is aware that a third inhabitant lives in that relationship: the psychological disorder itself or the neurological alteration. We say the latter because currently there is still no consensus on the subject and also because there are many people who do not know what causes their inability to express and understand emotions.

Inability to express what they feel

The alexithymic couple will never tell us if they are angry, happy, excited or worried. For these people, any felt emotion is a mystery; It is nothing more than a set of physiological experiences where tension is perceived, restlessness, a stomach ache, etc. They will not be able to express what they feel because they do not know what is happening in their body. They cannot name emotions even though they are feeling them.

Something like this means, for example, not being able to handle anger. Nor can they transmit love, admiration and those emotional imprints that are so basic in a relationship.

They do not understand what the couple feels

Alexithymic people are unable to identify the emotions of others. They will not understand, for example, why the partner feels hurt by certain behaviors. Nor will he be able to understand why he is not happy, what he needs, what makes him sad, why his mood changes…

It’s more, If at any time the partner asks you to have an intimate conversation, you will feel unable. Having to delve into these types of emotional aspects is somewhat uncomfortable for the alexithymic. It is an aspect that he does not know how to handle, that he does not see, that he does not understand.

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Likewise, the communication style of the alexithymic is also very striking. They do not like reflections, double meanings, poetic, ironic or romantic language. His approach is always very logical, concrete and literal. Hence, communication with them is always very rigid and, above all, as difficult as it is frustrating.

My partner is alexithymic, what can I do?

Living together, creating a future project, solving problems or even reaching simple agreements with the alexithymic person can be very complicated. We must keep in mind that our entire social fabric is basically governed by emotions.. What can we do in these cases?

Whether we are the couple or the person with alexithymia, we must understand an important aspect. Often, This condition is accompanied by other disorders. It is very common, for example, for there to be latent depression, a stress disorder or, even more so, alexithymia is also present in people with Asperger’s.

Either way, we need a proper diagnosis. In addition, Alexithymia also falls within a spectrum. That is to say, there will be those who suffer from it in a more pronounced way and those who only show a few features. Therefore, it is always appropriate to request expert help and work on some of these aspects.

Alexithymia and emotional relationships, keys that must be taken into account

We must consider that the alexithymic person does have feelings, but does not know how to express them. Therefore, It is appropriate to work on some basic codes through which to express affection. Looks, caresses and physical contact are a good setting to validate ourselves on a daily basis.

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It is essential that the alexithymic person has psychological support. It is the only way for the relationship to be sustained. This condition cannot be cured: it is worked on so that the patient finds mechanisms and skills to improve their empathy, communication and emotional expression.The areas that will be worked on in therapy with the alexithymic patient are emotional stimulation and identification, empathy, social skills, emotional communication and the reduction of anxiety and stress.

Finally, we must consider that not everyone responds well to therapy. What’s more, many alexithymics are reluctant to accept specialized help because they believe that others have the problem. For some of these men and women, it is the couples themselves who show a problem with their emotions.; They are too intense, irrational and incomprehensible before your eyes.

In these cases, the best option is one’s own well-being. Safeguarding integrity and avoiding useless suffering will always be the best response when we do not see the will to change. some on the part of the alexithymic.