Secure attachment: the strength of the healthy bond

The development of a secure attachment protects the mental health of the little ones. In fact, it helps them so that in the future they do not have to deal with different problems that may arise in their relationships due to the presence of an unhealthy bond during childhood. However, are caregivers prepared to encourage this type of attachment?

Whenever we treat attachment, we do so by focusing on children. But today we are going to take caretakers as protagonists. Those important figures that we often blame, when they have also had their own experiences, and what happens is that perhaps they have never considered acting differently.

Let’s think that The natural thing is that caregivers educate children just as they have been educated., or going to the opposite extreme. In any case, taking as a reference their own experience and the conclusions they have internalized from it.

“Children with secure relationships. The starting point of a life full of possibilities.”

-Anonymous-

Embrace the secure attachment that was never given

It is very difficult for an adult to transmit a secure attachment to his child if he has an insecure or anxious attachment.. Therefore, it is important that caregivers work on this aspect, either independently or with the help of a psychologist. With good guidance and focus, the 3 fundamental pillars of secure attachment can be obtained.

What are these pillars? The feeling of constant security, the desire for proximity and emotional regulation. If the caregiver does not acquire and internalize these pillars, it is very difficult for them to transmit them. Without wanting to, he will be instilling in his children an attachment that is far from secure.

This process may seem very difficult, especially for those who have never been able to develop a secure attachment in any of their relationships. That’s why, The professional that caregivers turn to must first work on secure attachment in relation to the adult-therapist relationship.. Well, secure attachment not only occurs between caregiver and child, but also in other types of relationships such as a couple or friendship.

Read Also: When personalities clash: you and I are incompatible

Above all, the therapist will help the caregiver in different tasks: detecting their emotions, identifying them, understanding them and externalizing them in an appropriate way. In these cases, emotional repression or numbing is very common, the origin of which may be a trauma or an experience that has marked you in an important way. Creating a story about this experience that the person can integrate into their life history in a positive way will be one of the pillars of secure attachment.

“Repressing children’s feelings is not a good thing, since in the long run they could lead to emotional problems and even fall into depression; “It is always better to have a constant dialogue with them so that they express their emotions with words and not with crying.”

-Anonymous-

Once the caregiver knows how to relate from a secure attachment and has forgotten the insecure or anxious attachment they suffered from, then it is time to take the step and relate to the children in this new way. If you have internalized secure attachment well, it will not cause you any problems. If this is not the case, we will have to turn back and continue working on the adult-therapist relationship..

It’s not about running

Although we want to reach the goal of being able to provide children with that secure attachment that will bring them so many benefits, it is important that we take care of ourselves first. What’s more, in many cases it is necessary to think about the children to find enough motivation to continue and not leave the path “halfway.”

Read Also: Compersion: feeling happiness for the happiness of another

It’s not about running. It doesn’t matter if years pass. At least, when we are ready, we will know that we can do well because we ourselves have changed and improved. When we think that what we do is stupid, that we are not going to change anything because we are older or that it is a waste of time, let’s stop thinking about ourselves and think about them. In everything we can help them if we make that change.

Do we want our children to suffer emotional dependence and deep depression tomorrow? Do we want them to be unable to form stable relationships with anyone because of a deep fear that they will be abandoned? This is real, it happens more times than we think. Lack of security, fears, insecurities, dependency…

“If we want an independent and self-confident child, we must try to establish a secure attachment relationship with him; which means being present and available, understanding and attending to her needs as such.”

-Mariel Bonnefon-

Healing ourselves is not only important for our children, but for ourselves. We will enjoy greater balance, we will feel happier and we will be able to have healthier relationships with others. It is worth it in every way, so let’s not deny ourselves the fact of maturing in this aspect, growing and learning to relate in another way. With a secure attachment that they did not give us, but that we have recovered.