Narcissistic triangulation: putting a third party against you

Narcissistic triangulation is a concept that refers to situations in which a person is in conflict with another and seeks to involve a third party to gain greater support and win the dispute. This is a neurotic mechanism, most frequently used by those who have markedly narcissistic traits.

The mechanism of narcissistic triangulation is common within the family. With some frequency, it happens that the father or mothers seek support from their children and they try to turn them against the other parent. It may also happen that one of the parents tries to involve the children in the conflicts that she has with her spouse’s family.

Due to the above, Narcissistic triangulation is classified as a form of psychological abuse, since it involves the use of a third party for personal purposes, in order to harm someone. It sets up a toxic game in which several people can end up victimized.

Narcissistic triangulation

Narcissistic triangulation is a manipulation mechanism indirect. It is consolidated when the manipulator commits aggression or abuse against another person, with the help of a third party who, generally, participates in the situation unconsciously.

As you can see, there are three actors involved in this situation. The first is the manipulator, who is the one who triggers the abusive behavior. However, it is not unusual for him to perceive himself as a victim and for the same reason he sits with a patent of marque to go to a third party. It corresponds to someone with a conflictive personality, who acts like a child.

The second actor is the victim, who, in one way or another, also has responsibility in the situation. It is common for him to assume a passive and submissive role and in the initial phases of the conflict he has decided to stay out of what is happening to avoid problems.

Finally, there is the third person. Someone real or imaginary who is introduced as a source of support for the aggressor. The manipulator will use the real or invented statements of that third person to consolidate his aggression. When it is someone real, the perpetrator will have no problem using lies to gain her support.

The tactics used

In narcissistic triangulation the objective is to undermine the victim’s ability to respond. Devalue or disqualify her so that she does not have enough strength to confront the aggressor. The third party is an “ally” who contributes, directly or indirectly, to increasing the vulnerability of the victim.

To achieve this, there are three tactics that are frequently used:

Biased comparison. The comparison with another person is introduced implicitly or explicitly, with the help of one or more third parties. Obviously, the victim is always less intelligent, attractive, interesting or whatever. The objective is to minimize it.Recruitment. It is the typical narcissistic triangulation. It has to do with recruiting allies who decisively take the side of the manipulator, so that together they position themselves against the victim and defend the same version of events.Defamation. In this case, deception is openly used. Situations are invented or forced so that the victim appears as someone undesirable, consequently obtaining rejection from others. It is the most toxic of all tactics.

Overcome the problem

Narcissistic triangulation raises a problem in which neither party benefits. The manipulator or aggressor maintains a behavior that brings him pyrrhic and temporary benefits, but at the same time immerses him more and more in his own helplessness and misfortune.

The victim, obviously, also loses because You may end up feeling surrounded or unable to act.. In fact, he often comes to believe that he is what they say he is, or that he makes the mistakes that are blamed on him, or that his faults are more serious than they really are.

The third party involved also loses because ends up being manipulated and takes part in a conflict in which he should not be involved. If you are a child, for example, you also receive the brunt of this toxic behavior and are likely to end up in great emotional turmoil.

How to respond to narcissistic triangulation

Once you can recognize and understand the dynamics of triangulation, the next step is to figure out if and how you want to change the dynamics.

1. Recognize triangulation

The first step to changing this pattern is to recognize when you are being pulled into a triangular dynamic. Understanding that this is a manipulation tool can help you release some of the blame that is being imposed on you.

2. Accept the role assumed in triangulation

Chances are you’ve played all the roles of a triangulation dynamic at some point when you’re in a relationship. There may have been times when you were aware of your role, as well as times when you were not fully aware of this dynamic. Recognizing and accepting what you have contributed to triangulation will help you change this relationship pattern.

3. Chat in private

Highlighting triangulation directly can be stressful, especially when a person is intentionally sowing division. Remember that a narcissist involves people in triangles with him to gain control of the person or situation. Talking to them privately about their behavior eliminates some of the possibility of them exploiting another to seek approval.

4. Respond, don’t react

Sometimes having a private conversation isn’t enough to stop the other person from dragging you into a relationship triangle. In these situations, the person looks for your emotional reaction to attract you towards their typical patterns. To reinforce the idea that you will no longer participate in triangulation, simply stop participating in it. In this case, not engaging in triangulation with silence is actually the strongest way to communicate this boundary.

5. Set limits

You may have gotten yourself out of actively engaging in narcissistic triangulation, but that doesn’t mean the other person won’t try again another day. The limits to establish in these cases are:

Leave situations in which you are alone with the other person.Ignore comments that are meant to provoke you.Avoid sharing personal information.Do not enter situations without the presence of certain trusted people who understand the situation and who support you.

In conclusion, the way out of this tragic situation is usually goes through an awareness of one of the parties. For these types of unhealthy games to take place, everyone involved needs to agree, in one way or another, to fulfill the role assigned to them. It is enough to get one of the parties to set limits for the “game” to end.

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