Narcissistic friends: people who don’t care about you

Narcissistic friends always have an excuse for everything when they fail us. They share their problems with us but are rarely interested in knowing how we are doing. They are dependent, selfish and often, it is even difficult for us to distance ourselves from them.

Narcissistic friends are those who spend hours telling us their problems and experiences without even being able to ask ourselves how our day went. He is that person who always arrives late, to whom the most unlikely things always happen when we need him… He is, in essence, a figure that sooner or later we wonder if he is worth keeping in our lives.

Why do we establish a friendship with these types of profiles? This is perhaps the first question that comes to mind. Now, a simple aspect should be noted. To many (and more so looking at the topic from the outside) it may seem simple that “If I have a narcissistic friend, I get rid of him and that’s it.”

However, things are not always so simple when we talk about human relationships. First is the bond of affection. Sometimes, we maintain a bond for decades more out of habit; because there are many years and many shared experiences. Other times, we are not fully aware that that person responds to a narcissistic profile until the damage accumulates, until the erosion suffered by that bond is already profound.

Likewise, there is another aspect. As psychologists Dufner, M., Rauthmann, JF, Czarna, AZ, and Denissen, J (2013) explain to us in an interesting study, Narcissists turn out, at first glance, to be very attractive personalities. They know how to connect, they are enthusiastic and they transmit a very positive energy in that previous phase, when they seek at all costs to connect with someone.

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Therefore, it is easy to “fall” into this type of friendship that first attracts, then traps and later, when we are fully aware of its effect and collateral damage, we do not know very well how to act. Let’s see more data below.

Narcissistic friends, what are they like and why do they act this way?

We are not going to use the terminology “toxicity” here. This word of popular use and metaphorical meaning lacks clinical entity, and in this case, When we refer to a narcissistic personality we enter into much more complex, deep and unique aspects that are worth understanding.

To begin with, narcissism falls on a spectrum. There are people with mild narcissistic traits and profiles that would already present a narcissistic personality disorder. Studies, such as the one carried out by Dr. Elizabeth L. Kacel, from the University of Florida (United States), tell us that the origin of this behavior often depends on three dimensions: genetics, neurobiology and environmental factors.

Thus, one aspect that usually explains a large part of these behaviors in narcissistic friends is the effect of an unfavorable family environment. They seek validation that they did not have in their childhood, they crave recognition that they did not have in the past. and often, they tend to repeat those behaviors of abuse and use that their parents probably exercised on themselves.

Understanding this can explain many things to us. However, it is also essential to recognize what patterns and behaviors characterize narcissistic friends.

Single-topic conversations

The fulcrum on which the entire conversation revolves is themselves. It doesn’t matter if the dialogue starts from something casual, from something that has happened to us or from current news. The narcissistic friend will always end up taking you to his territory.

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Unforeseen things always happen

If they arrive late it is because they have had an accident. If they have not been able to be with you when you needed them, it is because something unexpected and almost always serious has happened to them., something that far exceeds what could happen to you. They are those people who are difficult to trust because you know they will not be there, those who are always caught by the unexpected, the most unusual thing we can imagine. With this they always achieve what they want most: to be the center of attention.

They minimize your problems and magnify theirs.

It doesn’t matter what has happened to you at work, with your partner, with your family. Whatever you have on your mind and that worries you will be insignificant when you explain it to a narcissistic friend. Not only will it minimize what happened, but it will undervalue what happened. Whatever you can explain, he or she has also experienced it (and if he or she hasn’t, he or she will make it up).

With this, he shifts the attention away from your person… to put the focus on himself. He boycotts you and with this, he manages to be once again the protagonist in the theater of life.

They will not rejoice in your successes, they will not share your happiness

Narcissistic friends generally have low self-esteem and self-concept.. Something like this implies something that can be very destructive in the long run: they will always prefer us at or below their height. That is, they will tune in more to us if we are unhappy, if our ability to achieve is minimal, if we are insecure, if we are permanent tenants in our comfort zone.

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However, When successes arrive, when we achieve goals and feel happy, they will once again minimize each achievement.. And they will do it for a very simple reason: they are envious. They are incapable of controlling that state, that harmful and dangerous emotion, with which they can do us a lot of harm if we do not put up containment barriers.

What can we do with narcissistic friends?

Narcissistic friends are not good traveling companions on life’s adventure. They put brakes on us, they cloud the landscape, they don’t let us see and they even take us down the wrong paths. Therefore, we could say that the best thing would undoubtedly be to leave them at the nearest station and thus travel lighter, freer and in better health.

However, as we noted at the beginning, narcissism falls within a continuum. There will be people, friends who do deserve second chances. Hence It is essential that they understand the effect (and consequences) of their actions and behaviors. On the other hand, there will be profiles that do not respond to our suggestions and warnings.

In those cases where the will to change is zero, and where there is a clear refusal to seek expert help, The most reasonable thing is undoubtedly to take more drastic measures and consistent with what is most important: maintaining our own health and well-being.