My relationship ended: what to do?

In the office and in the doubts I receive through Ask the Psychologist, I always receive questions about ending romantic relationships. This is perhaps one of the most frequently asked questions, along with questions about mental illness, the lack of meaning in life and other questions about relationship difficulties – not just love. Love is a trick question, as they say, in English, “Love is a trick question”…

And what to do when the relationship ends? And worse, what to do when the relationship ends but we don’t want it to end? This is a very specific question and I would like to talk a little with you about what is important in this area, that is, what is the best path to take.

In the text Mourning and Melancholy, by Freud, he says that the end of a relationship is like mourning, like melancholy, like depression. Roughly speaking, we can say that all the libidinal investment, all the psychic energy, which was directed towards a certain person, is now prevented from continuing to flow towards the same object. It is a theoretical explanation for the feeling of loss of meaning in the breakup.

To learn more, read Psychoanalysis: Depression and Melancholy

Questions like “What am I going to do with my life?” and “Now, how am I going to continue?” or “I can’t live without this person” are part of this beginning.

If it turns out that the other person in the relationship is done and you are not, there is still recrimination, regret, guilt, remorse, and especially self-criticism. In this sorry emotional state, many try to start over, continue or try to reconcile. The tendency to fail is very large. And the reason can be seen if we think about the difference of beginning and ending.

In the beginning, there is interest, desire, desire to be together, longing, lack. In the end, if the other person ended it, what the person who ended it is feeling is just the opposite: wanting to stay away, disinterest, maybe even contempt or disgust. If the person who wants to continue the relationship gets into the idea of ​​getting back together, insisting, complaining, calling insistently or sending messages or emails all the time… It’s very big.

So what to do?

Step One: Rational Assessment

A breakup does not mean failure. In NLP we say there are no failures, there are only results. Now, if the relationship ended (with or without return), we can use the experience of the relationship time to rationally evaluate what happened during the period. It doesn’t matter if it’s been months, weeks or years… we can always learn more about ourselves and better understand how we react and how we can improve and develop.

For example, I receive many emails from people who suffer in their relationships because of jealousy. If we think that jealousy is the fear of losing one’s loved one to someone else, we will see how illogical it is to have a lot of jealousy and fights related to jealousy that make the relationship end. In other words, the person doesn’t want the relationship to end, doesn’t want to lose the person to someone else. And what does she do? Acts so jealous that the relationship ends!

Here is another tip – Jealousy – Technique to Decrease

So, the first thing to do is evaluate what happened during the relationship period. Important points to consider: How was the beginning? What were the negatives? And what were the positives? What could you have done differently? What could the other person have done differently?

This whole assessment will help in your self-knowledge process.

Step two: is it better to try to go back or move forward?

This must be considered. Sometimes people remain in a destructive relationship, which destroys their self-esteem, which destroys their dreams, which makes it difficult in other areas, but even so they have a feeling of ownership or fear of being alone, of not finding another person or because of the time they spent together, among other factors.

See also – And when is it better to give up?

“Why don’t couples break up?”

Many couples make the decision to “take a break” to evaluate whether it is better to continue or if it is better to separate. The idea of ​​“taking a break” may not be seen with good eyes by many, but it can be an interesting period, similar to what we are talking about here, in the first and second steps.

People unite for many different reasons. As each person has their individuality, the reasons are extremely varied. Evaluating the reason that made you fall in love or want to start a relationship is fundamental. As in other areas, such as professional or career areas, we also have goals in a relationship. If the goals no longer make sense or if they are not being met, what’s the point in continuing a relationship longer?

For example, someone might start a relationship because they want companionship. In the beginning, there is company, but after 2, 3 years, the encounters become less and less frequent… until you reach a point where there is simply no company. Then, feelings of sadness, anger, resentment begin and sometimes you don’t even realize the real reason: the lack of company…

Evaluating whether there will be more company or not, that is, whether the main objective will be achieved makes it easier to decide which path to follow.

Third step: self-esteem

If we are in a relationship or if we are alone, we must always seek self-knowledge and take care of our self-esteem. Knowing oneself is an ideal that comes from Greek philosophy, from Socrates and is a lifelong task. Many forget that the Athenian philosopher also recommended taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself means cultivating self-esteem.

I love this story – No company for dinner?

Over time, we can end up forgetting that we started a relationship by being attractive to our partner or partner. This also means that a relationship starts and sustains itself from self-esteem…

This video is very interesting on the subject – 7 Mistakes that prevent you from winning your love back

Conclusion

There is no universal rule that establishes how we should behave when a romantic relationship ends. If it was us who broke up or if it was someone else, the reactions can be very different. It also strongly influences whether there is still a desire to continue or not. There is a song, sung by Ney Matogrosso, where he says: “Thank you, you are no longer interested in me”…

What I tried to express in this text were some tips on how to evaluate this process of ending a relationship, starting a new one (with the same person or with someone else). A relationship ending is not the end of the world – although it sometimes sounds that way. We have to know how to assess the extent to which it is worth insisting on the relationship and the extent to which it no longer makes sense.

In any case, the fundamental thing is Caring for Yourself, as Socrates warned us and as the French philosopher Michel Foucault reminded us.

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