My problem is waiting for others to act as I would.

The origin of many of our disappointments is waiting for others to act as we ourselves would do.. We expect the same sincerity, the same altruism and reciprocity, but, nevertheless, the values ​​that define our hearts are not the same ones that inhabit other people’s minds.

William James, philosopher, founder of functional psychology and, in turn, older brother of Henry James, commented in his theories that a very simple way to find happiness lies in minimizing our expectations. The less you expect, the more you can receive or find. This is somewhat controversial reasoning, however, it is not without its logic.

We are all very clear that When it comes to our relationships, it is inevitable to have no expectations. We expect certain behaviors and long for things like being loved, defended, and valued. Now, that does not mean that, sometimes, these forecasts fail us.

Those who expect too much from others usually end up hurt in some detail, in some nuance, hence it is worth taking a series of aspects into account. We analyze them.

We all get frustrated when the world doesn’t fit what we had planned.

When we expect others to act according to our expectations

There are many fathers and mothers who expect their children to act in a certain way. Couples also expect everything from their romantic partners, just as our friends expect us to support them in everything they do. Although this sometimes means going against our own interests and even values.

All of these very common situations are clear examples of what is known as “the curse of expectations.” Sometimes, There are those who assume that what he or she thinks, feels and judges is something almost “normative.” It sets such a high bar when it comes to the concept of friendship, love or family, that no one manages to reach these heights and, therefore, disappointment falls on both parties.

The key, as always, is balance and above all in the need to be realistic. It is clear that There are certain types of expectations that fall within what is expected (non-betrayal, sincerity, respect, fidelity…). All of these are pillars that support positive and healthy relationships.

However, as soon as someone becomes obsessed with the “excellence” of the bond, whether in emotional, parent-child or friendship matters, frustration, resentment or even anger appears. It is worth taking into account.

How to stop expecting too much from others

No one is naive for always needing to see the good side of people. We have the right to see it, to search for it and even to promote it, but with a certain caution, with a certain prudence. Because disappointment is the sister of great expectations, so it will always be more appropriate to “not be dazzled” ahead of time and use the glasses of objectivity and the most serene realism.

We can expect a lot from those around us, however, the most appropriate thing will always be to expect even more from ourselves. People are sometimes as complex as they are unpredictable, therefore, Just as those around us can let us down, we can let others down too. Hence, it is appropriate to reflect on these dimensions that, without a doubt, will be helpful to us.

Keys that will help us stop expecting too much from people

It is one thing to harbor expectations that are too high and unrealistic and another to have a positive but adjusted view of relationships. That is the key and that is the point where balance is found. Studies like those carried out at the University of Maryland, for example, tell us something interesting. Couples who have positive and more confident expectations about their relationship are happier.

That is to say, it will always be appropriate to maintain a hopeful vision of human relationships, but without leading to that blindness or naivety with which we attribute to others virtues that not even we have. Let’s now reflect on some aspects that will be helpful to us:

Nobody is perfect, not even ourselves. If we had to please the expectations others have of us and vice versa, we would fall into a dynamic that is as stressful as it is unhappy. It is impossible, no one is an example of perfection, nor of absolute virtue. It is enough to respect each other and exercise reciprocity in the most humble way possible.Learn to differentiate between expectations and dependency. Sometimes we hold other people responsible for our own happiness. We build high expectations toward someone in particular because we are dependent on what they offer us and, therefore, we demand—need—that they act the way we want because it is the only way to feel good. Although this causes great suffering to the other person.Accept that you don’t always have to receive something in return. This is an aspect that characterizes many people: “If I do you a favor, I hope you return it to me.” “If I always show openness and pleasant conversation, I hope that others act in the same way.” Well, whether we like it or not, these things are not always fulfilled and. The fact that this is so is neither good nor bad: it is just about accepting others as they are.

Be careful, too high expectations lead to discouragement

People need to feel that we have most dimensions of life under our control. We assume that whoever tells us they love today will also do it tomorrow. We assume that no one will fail us and that everyone we care about will act just as we would under the same circumstances.

This inflexible mental approach based on excessively high expectations leads us, sooner or later, to frustration.. It is not appropriate, it is not recommended. No one can stand on a pedestal forever without faltering, so let’s avoid placing a friend, partner or family member on that golden summit. We will avoid pressure and us, some disappointment.

The key to happiness, although it is hard to believe, lies in reducing expectations and appreciating the here and now. In enjoying relationships in the present moment, in letting ourselves go, accepting each thing experienced.

For example, research from the University of Chicago highlights how as we age our rate of depression reduces. The reason? We stop expecting too much from others and simply accept them as they are.

Accepting people as they are will prevent us from falling into the constant sting of disappointment

Conclusion

To conclude, perhaps William James, whom we mentioned at the beginning, was absolutely right with his simple proposal: the less we expect from others, the more surprises we can expect. It would simply be about allowing ourselves to be a little more free and less dependent on the behavior of those around us.

We are all fallible, we are all wonderfully imperfect beings trying to live together in a sometimes chaotic world. where disappointments are inevitable, but where sincere loves and everlasting friendships also live.

You might be interested…