My partner doesn’t want to live with me

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If you have proposed to your partner to live together and they have said no, you may be worried. We give you some keys so that you understand what may be happening and what you can do.

My partner doesn’t want to live with me. And that is a problem? How has the field of couple relationships evolved? Do we experience relationships and commitment in the same way as our grandparents? The reality is that no and there are phenomena that prove it.like the so-called LAT (Living Apart Together)which involves living in different homes with our partner even when they are adults.

This situation is great if both parties want the same thing, but what if my partner doesn’t want to live with me? What are the possible causes of this situation? What can we do about it?

It is normal for this situation to generate anxiety or uncertainty, but for this reason, here we bring you some keys to better understand this behavior, as well as possible actions that you can take in such a situation.

My partner doesn’t want to live with me: why?

My partner doesn’t want to live with me. Do you have this thought running through your head? Do not despair, in this article we bring you some keys to understand why it may be happening and what you can do about it.

He is afraid of commitment

A possible cause that explains why your partner does not want to move in with you is the following: he is afraid of commitment. Whether it’s a more solid commitment to the relationship or a more generic commitment to life (committing to maintaining a house).

Let’s not fool ourselves; Moving in as a couple is a step forward in any relationship, and a sign of commitment. Sometimes one simply does not have the desire to do this step, and absolutely nothing happens; Others are that the person is directly afraid of this commitment.

What is behind the fear of commitment?

Paradoxically, we found a study published on AskMen.com, where 77% of the men surveyed claimed to look for girlfriends with “wife material”, 75% claimed to have a soul mate and 69% thought they would never cheat on their partner. Is the fear of commitment as widespread among men as is commonly believed?

Returning to the topic of fear of commitment, did you know that there is a concept used in psychology to define this phenomenon? Although it is not exactly the same, The persistent fear of the marital alliance and family life is known as gamophobia..

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This fear would lead the person to avoid commitments related to the couple and family life (such as moving in together). Finally, add that fear of commitment is not a problem in itself, unless it harms oneself or others.

He doesn’t want to run

Another possible explanation for the following thought “My partner doesn’t want to live with me” is that he simply doesn’t want to run. Maybe it’s fine the way it is, each living in his own house, seeing each other at certain times, each with his own space… And maybe he thinks that You are in a good moment to enjoy and you do not want to “skip” stages.

According to experts, not burning through stages makes it easier to enjoy life according to your age, so this could have great benefits. Although perhaps for you moving in together is not about burning through stages, but about maturing and growing the relationship, which can generate conflicts if your partner does not feel or think the same.

It goes at another speed

In a relationship, each person goes at their own pace, at a particular speed. There are those who want to take things calmly, slowly, and others who want to move forward quickly. In these situations it is better to adapt the times and reach a mutual agreement.

You have other priorities

Another reason that may lead your partner to decide that it is not yet time to move in with you is that he or she has other priorities; Maybe it’s okay where he lives because it’s close to work, he can save to buy “X” thing (for example, an apartment), he has the comfort of living with his parents (come on, he’s “leveraged himself”), etc.

Whatever these priorities are, it is clear that living with you is not one of them, for whatever reasons. If this is the reason that leads your partner to not want to become independent with you, you can try: negotiating with him/her (for example, setting a deadline/temporary “limit” to move in together), accepting the situation or not accepting it. (At the end of the article we will see some key ideas on how to manage this situation).

Disagreements

It may happen that the fact of moving in together is a point of conflict between both of you because you cannot agree on where to live. Maybe you don’t want to move either because this would mean giving up your environment and leaving your comfort zone. This can prevent many people from making the decision to embark on that journey together, because it means giving up too many advantages.

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Doesn’t want to fly from the nest

We already introduced this reason subtly in the previous section; There are people who adapt to their current situation, because in that disposition they take charge of a minimum number of responsibilities. and it is difficult for them to move in as a couple. Furthermore, in their parents’ home they can live a standard of living or enjoy certain comforts that they would have to give up if they decided to live as a couple.

Let’s not forget that assuming new responsibilities is an act of maturity. When and how to do it? It is in our hands to begin to chart that path, although if your partner is clear that he does not want to leave, you have several options: accept it and continue with the relationship, negotiate with the other or not accept it and break up.

He got used to living alone

It may happen that your partner has become accustomed to living alone and to his routine, so living together involves certain sacrifices and negotiations that he or she would not be willing to sacrifice and perhaps that is one of the reasons that is stopping his or her willingness to live with you. .

Has doubts

In these cases the best way out is to talk. Promote good communication through the verbalization of fears, doubts and concerns. It is also essential to make good use of sincerity. If there are doubts, it is necessary that they be exposed so that we can work on them and resolve them.

He is not clear / He is indecisive

He may not be clear about it and that is why he is not going to live with you. Although it may sound obvious, let’s explain this point; As we know, not everything is black or white. Many times we want things that we do not dare to go looking for out of fear, doubts…

That is to say, Just because we really want something doesn’t mean we have it 100% clear.. What makes us decide one thing or another, like life, is full of nuances. Maybe your partner weighs pros and cons when deciding, and the cons win; Or perhaps he is a person who thinks a lot about things before acting and that is why he does not decide to take the step.

“Commitment is an act, not a word.”

-Jean Paul Sartre-

What can I do if my partner doesn’t want to live with me?

As they say, we are not born with an instruction manual under our arms, so There is no magic formula that will solve this conflict.. However, there are some options that we can carry out to unblock this situation and face it as we deserve. We leave you some ideas that can help you:

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Accept reality: As Jung said, “everything you resist, persists».Listen to their reasons: Empathy will allow you to understand their reasons (or not).Give it time: Sometimes we just need a little patience and take pressure off our partner.Trade: Why don’t you try to set an approximate deadline for doing this step?Consider your future: Consider what you really want and if you accept this situation.Look for greater commitment: Talk about it with your partner, express how you feel.Break up the relationship: If for you moving in together is something you don’t want to give up, consider ending the relationship.

“Big changes may not happen immediately, but with effort even the difficult can be simple.”

-Bill Blackman-

Be honest with yourself: what do you want?

As we have seen, when faced with the question of “My partner does not want to live with me”, there are multiple causes that could be behind this behavior. However, it is not so much what your partner decides, but what you really want for your life. So we encourage you to practice this little exercise: Close your eyes, take a few minutes and reflect on what you feel..

Do you feel that your partner’s decision not to live with you is incompatible with your medium and long-term wishes? Are you willing to wait? Or do you need your partner to take action? Whatever you feel, be honest with yourself, because everything you feel, whatever it is, is lawful. Self-honesty is the first step to building healthy self-esteem, because it allows you to be honest with your real self.

Finally, don’t let the insecurities or doubts of others get in the way of your happiness, and if you finally decide to take this path alone, don’t be afraid! As they say, “everything comes and everything goes», both the good times and the bad, they are all part of the journey and help us learn.